Cream of the Crop 22/Cream of the Crop 22.iso/faq/drcl96d.zip/DRCLEAN.DAT

Text File | 1996-09-21 | 149KB | 2,921 lines

%%Opening_screen    2000
%% 2000, 1, 15, 12, 13, Dr. Sickoff's Clean Joke Data Base
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*                                                                        *
*        *******  DR. SICKOFF'S CLEAN JOKE DATA BASE   *******           *
*                    AN HISTORICAL ARCHIVE PROJECT                       *
*                          v96.d  Sept. 1996                             *
*                                                                        *
*  A FEAST OF FUNNY! JOKES:                                              *
*                                                                        *
*               O ALL THE JOKES THAT AREN'T DIRTY/SICK/RUDE/CRUDE        *
*                 ENOUGH FOR DR. SICKOFF'S RED PENCIL DATA BASE!         *
*               O DON'T MISS DR. SICKOFF'S RED PENCIL DATA BASE THOUGH!  *
*                                                                        *
*  ***THE VERSION NUMBER OF THIS DATABASE IS THE DOS DIRECTORY DATE.***  *
*                                                                        *
*  (U) UNCOPYRIGHT FOREVER.  NO RIGHTS RESERVED.  RELEASED AS A PUBLIC   *
*  SERVICE TO MANKIND.  SPECIAL DEDICATION TO BROWN UNIVERSITY <PFFFT!>. *
**************************************************************************
%%Status_line       2001
%%*
%% 2001, 0, 12, Status line
            Dr. Sickoff's Clean Joke Base (U) Uncopyright Forever
%%Default_flags     6
%% 0, 100, Preface
%% 100, 0, Author
MASTERMINDED BY DR. SICKOFF, CURRENTLY IN RESIDENCE IN COLORADO USA.
IF YOU WANT TO LEAVE NEW JOKES FOR THE DOCTOR TO READ, A GOOD PLACE
IS ANY DENVER, COLORADO AREA PUBLIC BBS, PARTICULARLY BIG BOY'S BBS:

                       [phone].

TOTAL JOKES IN THIS DATA BASE: 655

FORMAT:
IT'S ALL IN CAPS BECAUSE IT IS MORE IRRITATING THAT WAY <G>.
THE "=" SIGN IS USED TO START EACH NEW JOKE SO THAT DR. SICKOFF'S
SOFTWARE CAN COUNT THE NUMBER OF JOKES IN EACH SECTION.  ANYBODY
IS FREE TO WRITE UTILITIES THAT PROCESS THIS DATABASE WITH OR WITHOUT
GIVING DR. SICKOFF CREDIT, BUT REMEMBER, DR. SICKOFF DIDN'T GIVE
THE REAL AUTHORS OF THE JOKES ANY CREDIT EITHER <G>.

%% 100, 0, What Was Used To Make This
This Primer is packaged as an .exe file with some nice fancy
features, courtesy of David's Readme Compiler 2.0, a freeware
program written by David Harris, P.O. Box 5451, Dunedin,
New Zealand. If you want, he can be reached by e-mail
as 
[e-mail]
 (or from CompuServe,

>internet:[e-mail]
).  He isn't associated with this
joke effort.

%% 0, 200, The Jokes
%% 200, 0, General Clean Pt. 1
-GENERAL CLEAN PT. 1 (117 JOKES)

=WHY DID THE SIAMESE TWINS MOVE FROM ENGLAND TO AMERICA?
THE OTHER ONE WANTED TO DRIVE FOR A CHANGE.
=HOW FAST DOES A COMPUTER MONITOR FALL?
AT TERMINAL VELOCITY.
=HOW DO YOU TOP A CAR?
TEP ON THE BRAKE TUPID.
=WHAT IS THE SAUSAGE PRINCIPLE?
IF YOU WANT TO RESPECT SAUSAGE OR THE LAW, DON'T EVER WATCH EITHER
OF THEM BEING MADE.
=WHAT DO YOU CALL IT WHEN A COP ENCOUNTERS A ZSA ZSA GABOR
LOOKALIKE WHO SLAPS HIM?
DE-ZSA-VU.
=HOW ARE A SURREALIST AND A CAR THE SAME?
DRAW A BLANK PAGE AND THERE'S YOUR ANSWER.
=WHAT WOULD YOU GET IF YOU CROSSED FEDERAL EXPRESS WITH UPS?
FED UP.
=A MAN HAD JUST PUT A PUZZLE TOGETHER WHEN HIS WIFE ASKED HIM HOW
LONG HE HAD TAKEN.  "TWO HOURS!" BEAMED THE MAN.  "GOOD, HONEY,"
SHE SAID, "IT SAYS HERE ON THE SIDE OF THE BOX, '1 TO 2 YEARS'!"
=HOW DID DR. BOB'S MOTHER KEEP HIM OCCUPIED?
SHE TOLD HIM TO SIT IN THE CORNER OUTSIDE.
="IF YOU'RE A REAL GOOD KID, I'LL GIVE YOU A PIGGYBACK RIDE ON A
BUZZSAW." -- W.C. FIELDS
=A BUM WALKED UP TO A BUSINESSMAN ON THE STREET AND TOOK A $10 BILL
FROM HIS POCKET.  THE BUSINESSMAN ASKED, "WHY DIDN'T YOU ASK ME
FIRST?".  THE BUM REPLIED, "BECAUSE I DON'T TALK TO STRANGERS."
"WHEN WILL YOU PAY ME BACK?" ASKED THE BUSINESSMAN.  "NEXT PAYDAY."
"WHEN'S THAT?"  "YOU OUGHTA KNOW, YOU'RE THE ONE WHO'S EMPLOYED!"
=WHAT DID ONE ORANGE SAY TO THE OTHER ORANGE?
"QUIET, I'M CONCENTRATING!"
=WHAT WAS THE HIGHLIGHT OF THE BULIMIA & ANOREXIA CONVENTION?
A CAKE JUMPING OUT OF A GIRL.
=WHAT DID THE KLINGON SAY TO THE ROMULAN?
"SUQ MOH QABLI OFF SOMWIJ!! NUSOM VAJ SAY', BOCH GHLCHRAJ!" "BLMOHQU'!"
=WHAT CAN YOU HOLD IN YOUR RIGHT HAND BUT NOT YOUR LEFT?
YOUR LEFT ELBOW.
="DOES THIS DOG COME WITH A GOOD PEDIGREE?" ASKED THE RICH MAN.
"IT IT WERE ABLE TO SPEAK IT WOULDN'T TALK TO EITHER ONE OF US!"
=DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE MAN WITH WAVY HAIR?
ONE HAIR WAVES AT THE OTHER.
=WHAT IS A PART-TIME MUSICIAN?
A SEMICONDUCTOR.
=HOW CAN A WOMAN GROW HER OWN DOPE?
PLANT A MAN.
=WHAT DO YOU CALL A DUFFEL BAG FULL OF UNDERWEAR?
A BRIEFCASE.
=WHAT DID THE PAWN SHOP OWNER SAY TO THE CLERK NAMED PATTY BLACK
WHEN SHE PRESENTED AN ITEM FROM KERMIT THE FROG BUT DIDN'T KNOW WHAT
IT WAS?
"IT'S A KNICK-KNACK PATTY BLACK GIVE THE FROG A LOAN!"
=WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN DEATH AND TAXES?
CONGRESS CAN'T MAKE DEATH ANY WORSE THAN IT IS.
=WHAT DO YOU CALL AN ELECTRONICALLY-FILED INCOME TAX FORM?
AN INCOME FAX.
=WHAT IS THE SIMILARITY BETWEEN HEMORRHOIDS AND COWBOY HATS?
SOONER OR LATER, EVERY ASSHOLE HAS ONE.
=WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN IGNORANCE AND APATHY?
"I DON'T KNOW, AND I DON'T CARE."
=HEAR ABOUT THE NEW TELEVISION SHOW ABOUT YUPPIES IN ALASKA?
IT'S CALLED "WD-30SOMETHING"
=HOW CAN YOU TELL IF A KID IS A LOSER?
THE KID IS KIDNAPPED, AND THEY PUT HIS PICTURE ON A MILK DUDS CARTON.
=WHAT DO 40 BATTERED WOMEN HAVE IN COMMON?
THEY DON'T LISTEN.
=WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE PANAMA CANAL AND MISS AMERICA?
THE PANAMA CANAL IS A BUSY DITCH.
=WHY DON'T U.S. CONGRESSMEN EVER USE BOOKMARKS?
THEY LIKE THEIR PAGES BENT.
=WHAT DOES D.A.M. STAND FOR?
MOTHERS AGAINST DYSLEXIA.
=WHAT DOES D.D.A.M. STAND FOR?
DRUNK DRIVERS AGAINST MOTHERS.
=WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN AGGIE CHEERLEADERS AND SHEEP?
IF YOU GET LONELY, YOU CAN ALWAYS FIND A GOOD LOOKING SHEEP.
=WHAT IS "MIAMI MATH?"
"TWO PLUS DOS EQUAL FOE".
=WHAT DO YOU CALL A GREEK GIRL WHO KEEPS RUNNING AWAY FROM HOME?
A VIRGIN.
=WHAT IS THE HOTTEST ITEM IN RUSSIAN DEPARTMENT STORES?
UNDERWEAR LABELED: JANUARY, FEBRUARY, MARCH, APRIL . . . .
=WHAT LANGUAGE DO THE VATICAN POLICE SPEAK?
PIG LATIN.
=WHO WON THE BELGIAN BEAUTY CONTEST?
NOBODY.
=WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN AN ARAB AND A TERRORIST?
AN ARAB WOULD HAVE KEPT THE WHEELCHAIR.
=WHAT'S WORSE THAN BEING HIJACKED BY THE P.L.O.?
BEING RESCUED BY THE EGYPTIANS.
=DID YOU KNOW THAT 85% OF ALL JAPANESE MEN HAVE CATARACTS?
THE REST DRIVE RINCOLNS AND CHEVLORETS.
=WHAT'S IRISH AND STAYS OUT IN THE COLD ALL NIGHT?
PATIO FURNITURE.
=WHAT'S GROSS IGNORANCE?
ONE HUNDRED AND FORTY-FOUR IRISHMEN.
=HOW DO YOU KEEP AN ENGLISHMAN HAPPY IN HIS OLD AGE?
TELL HIM A JOKE WHEN HE'S YOUNG.
=WHAT DO YOU CALL A PRETTY GIRL IN RUSSIA?
A TOURIST.
=WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN CAULIFLOWER AND BOOGERS?
KIDS WON'T EAT CAULIFLOWER.
=POLICEMAN:  "YOU WERE EXCEEDING THE SPEED LIMIT BACK THERE."
DRIVER: :I'M SORRY OFFICER, BUT I DIDN'T NOTICE MY SPEEDOMETER.
I WAS DRINKING AT THE TIME."
=WHY DID YUGO WIN THE 1991 AWARD FOR ENVIRONMENT?
IT BREAKS DOWN IN ANY ENVIRONMENT.
=WHAT KIND OF PANTS DO MOLECULAR BIOLOGISTS WEAR?
DESIGNER GENES.
=WHAT DID COORS SAY AFTER THEY SPILLED OVER 100,000 GALLONS OF BEER
INTO A RIVER IN COLORADO?
"TASTES GREAT, LESS FISHY!"
=WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU SING A COUNTRY SONG BACKWARDS?
YOU GET YOUR HOUSE BACK, YOUR WIFE BACK, YOUR JOB BACK, YOUR DOG
IS RESURRECTED, AND YOU SOBER UP.
=WHAT HAPPENED TO THE BUTCHER?
HE BACKED INTO A MEAT CUTTER AND GOT A LITTLE BEHIND IN HIS WORK.
=WHAT DID THE GIRL FISH SAY TO HER HUSBAND ONE NIGHT?
"NOT TONIGHT, HONEY, I HAVE A HADDOCK!  "WHAT?," HE ASKED, "I AM
HARD OF HERRING!"
=IF YOU ARE AMERICAN IN THE KITCHEN, WHAT ARE YOU IN THE
BATHROOM?
EUROPEAN.
=WHAT LESSON DOES THE JAPANESE SPORT OF SUMO WRESTLING TEACH?
THE SURVIVAL OF THE FATTEST.
=IT WAS THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL AND A NEW STUDENT, THE SON OF A
JAPANESE BUSINESSMAN, ENTERED THE FOURTH GRADE.  THE TEACHER
GREETED THE CLASS AND SAID, "LET'S BEGIN BY REVIEWING SOME
AMERICAN HISTORY.  WHO SAID 'GIVE ME LIBERTY OR GIVE ME DEATH'?"
SHE SAW ONLY A SEA OF BLANK FACES EXCEPT FOR THAT OF TOSHIBA,
WHO HAD HIS HAND UP. "PATRICK HENRY, 1775," SAID THE BOY.
"NOW," SAID THE TEACHER, "WHO SAID 'GOVERNMENT OF THE PEOPLE, BY
THE PEOPLE, FOR THE PEOPLE SHALL NOT PERISH FROM THE EARTH'?"
AGAIN, NO RESPONSE EXCEPT FROM TOSHIBA: "ABRAHAM LINCOLN, 1863."
THE TEACHER SNAPPED AT THE CLASS, "YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED!
TOSHIBA, WHO IS NEW TO OUR COUNTRY, KNOWS MORE ABOUT IT THAN
YOU DO."  AS SHE TURNED TO WRITE SOMETHING ON THE BLACKBOARD,
SHE HEARD A LOUD WHISPER: "DAMNED JAPANESE."
"WHO SAID THAT?" SHE DEMANDED.
TOSHIBA PUT HIS HAND UP. "LEE IACOCCA, 1982," HE SAID.
=WHAT WAS THE RADIOLOGIST'S FAVORITE SONG?
"CAN'T HELP LOVING THAT SCAN OF MINE".
=YOUR DENTIST JUST CALLED.
HE SAID YOUR WISDOM TOOTH TURNED OUT TO BE RETARDED.
="A FAVORITE DISH IN KANSAS IS CREAMED CORN ON A STICK" -- JEFF HARMS.
=WHAT DID THE MAN SAY AFTER HE SLIPPED ON A BANANA PEEL?
"I JUST HOPE THAT WHAT'S SQUIRTING OUT IS BLOOD!"
=WHAT WAS AUNTIE MAME'S THEME SONG?
"I LOVE A CHARADE".
=WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
IT WANTED TO BE PURE POULTRY IN MOTION.
=WHAT DID THE BUMPER STICKER SAY ON THE CAR OF A PAIR OF NEWLYWED
COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS?
"RECENTLY INTERFACED".
=WHY IS A SOLDIER SO TIRED ON APRIL FOOL'S DAY?
BECAUSE HE JUST HAD A 31-DAY MARCH.
=WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A DEVIL WITH A RHINO?
HELLIFINO (DAMNIFINO).
=TWO HUSKY SWEDES WERE GOING ON A TRIP.  ONE OF THEM WAS CALLED
LARS AND THE OTHER WAS CALLED EXTRA LARS.
=WHAT'S THE GREAT COMFORT OF TURNING 49?
YOU ARE NOW TOO OLD TO DIE YOUNG (DICKSON'S RULE OF 49).
=WHY WASN'T ROME BUILT IN A DAY?
BECAUSE IT WAS A GOVERNMENT JOB.
=WHY IS BASEBALL SO POPULAR WITH INTELLECTUALS?
IT IS THE ONLY SPORT SLOW ENOUGH FOR THEM TO UNDERSTAND.
=WHAT DO YOU CALL A WALL STREET BROKER AFTER A STOCK MARKET CRASH?
HEY, CABBY!
=WHEN A PULITZER PRIZE WAS WITHDRAWN FROM A NEWS WRITER AFTER THE
STORY WAS FOUND TO BE FRAUDULENT, WHAT WAS HER HUSBAND ACCUSED OF?
GILT BY ASSOCIATION.
=WHY DID THE GANGSTER GO BROKE?
HE PUT ALL HIS MONEY INTO JUNK BLONDES.
=A WOMAN ORDERED 20 GALLONS OF MILK FOR A MILK BATH.  "WILL THAT BE
PASTEURIZED?" THE MILKMAN ASKED.  "NO", SHE SAID, "ONLY UP TO MY CHIN."
=TWO CONSTRUCTION WORKERS WERE TALKING. "I ALMOST WAS HIT BY A
SWINGING CRANE ONCE," SAID THE FIRST.  "THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN A REAL
CRANE IN THE NECK!" SAID THE SECOND, "AND THAT'S NOTHING, A TRUCK
CARRYING CONCRETE SLABS ALMOST HIT ME ONCE."  "THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN
A SLAB IN THE FACE!" REPLIED THE FIRST.
=TWO VAMPIRES WALKED INTO A BAR AND CALLED FOR THE BARTENDER.
"I'LL HAVE A GLASS OF BLOOD," SAID ONE.  "I'LL HAVE A GLASS OF
PLASMA", SAID THE OTHER. "OKAY," REPLIED THE BARTENDER, "THAT'LL BE
ONE BLOOD AND ONE BLOOD LITE."
=WHAT DO YOU CALL A VAMPIRE WHO IS ALSO A CAR LOT MANAGER?
AUTOEXEC.BAT.
=WHAT DO VAMPIRES SING WHEN THEY ARE CAUGHT IN THE SUN?
"ALL WE ARE IS DUST IN THE WIND".
=COUNT DRACULA GOES TO VENICE, ITALY FOR VACATION.  HE CHECKS INTO
A BEAUTIFUL HOTEL, RIGHT ON A CANAL.  IT IS ALMOST MORNING WHEN
HE CHECKS IN, SO HE GOES STRAIGHT UP TO HIS ROOM.  A COUPLE OF
HOURS LATER, HE STARTS TO GET HUNGRY.  UNABLE TO GO OUT, HE CALLS
UP ROOM SERVICE AND ORDERS.  WHEN THE FOOD ARRIVES, DRACULA
WRESTLES THE WAITER TO THE FLOOR AND DRINKS ALL HIS BLOOD.
NEEDING ZBELOW.
  "AHH," HE THOUGHT, "THE BODY WILL SINK, AND I'LL BE IN THE
CLEAR." SO, HE SHOVES THE CORPSE OUT THE WINDOW.
  MEANWHILE, BELOW, GUIDO IS POLING HIS GONDOLA DOWN THE CANAL.
SUDDENLY, THE BODY LANDS WITH A THUMP IN HIS BOAT.  HE IS
HORRIFIED TO SEE THE PALE, LIFELESS BODY.  THINKING IT WAS A
MAFIA HIT, AND NOT WANTING TO BECOME INVOLVED, HE PUSHED THE BODY
OVERBOARD AND IT SINKS...
  AT LUNCH TIME, THE COUNT IS HUNGRY AGAIN.  HAPPY WITH HIS
PREVIOUS SUCCESS, HE AGAIN ORDERS ROOM SERVICE.  THE WAITER IS A
LITTLE BIGGER, AND PUTS UP A FIGHT, BUT DRACULA WRESTLES HIM TO
THE FLOOR AND DRINKS HIS BLOOD.  AFTERWARD, HE SHOVES THE BODY
OUT THE WINDOW.
  COINCIDENTALLY, GUIDO AGAIN IS FLOATING BY, WHEN WHUMP!, THE
SECOND BODY LANDS IN HIS BOAT.  "ANOTHER MAFIA HIT," HE THOUGHT.
NOT WANTING TO GET INVOLVED, HE DUMPS THE BODY, WHICH SINKS.
  DINNERTIME ROLLS AROUND, AND THE COUNT IS HUNGRY.  HE CALLS
ROOM SERVICE...  THIS TIME, THE WAITER IS HUGE.  HE PUTS UP A
GREAT FIGHT, BUT DRACULA WRESTLES HIM TO THE FLOOR AND DRINKS HIS
BLOOD.  DRAGGING THE BODY TO THE WINDOW, HE SHOVES IT OUT.
  POOR GUIDO JUST HAPPENS TO BE BELOW.  KA-SLAM!, THE BODY HITS
HIS BOAT,BREAKING IT IN HALF.  THE BOAT SINKS,AND GUIDO HAS TO
SWIM FOR SHORE.  THE POLICE HELP FISH HIM OUT, AND ASKED HIM WHAT
HAPPENED.
  GUIDO TELLS THEM,"I'M NOT REALLY SURE...ALL I KNOW IS, DRAINED
WOPS KEEP FALLING ON MY HEAD!!!!"
=WHAT DO YOU CALL A CLERGYMAN WHO DELIVERS HIS SERMONS LIKE A
STAND-UP COMEDIAN?
JOHNNY PARSON.
=WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A GOLF COURSE WITH A STANDUP COMEDIAN?
LAWNY CARSON.
=WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A CHICKEN WITH A STANDUP COMEDIAN?
CHICKEN TONIGHT.
=WHAT DID THE MOTHER SAY ABOUT HER TWIN SONS JUAN AND AMAL?
"WHEN YOU'VE SEEN JUAN, YOU'VE SEEN AMAL!"
=WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU DON'T PAY YOUR EXORCIST?
YOU GET REPOSSESSED.
=RESIDENTS WHO LIVE NEAR INDIANAPOLIS SPEEDWAY ARE FILING SUIT OVER
FOUL-SMELLING EXHAUST FUMES.  THEY ARE SEEKING DAMAGES FOR INDY SCENT
EXPOSURE.
=HOW DID A SWINDLER EXPLAIN TO HIS WIFE THAT HE HAD JUST PAID A KITCHEN
REMODELER WITH FUNNY MONEY?
"AFTER ALL, HONEY, HE'S JUST A COUNTER FITTER!"
=AFTER A DROUGHT, FROZEN FOOD COMPANIES COULDN'T FIND HIGH-QUALITY
VEGGIES FOR PROCESSING: MANY WERE CULLED BUT FEW WERE FROZEN.
=SAID THE STOCKBROKER TO HIS OBESE WIFE, "HONEY, YOU'RE THE ONLY
INVESTMENT I EVER MADE THAT DOUBLED."
=WHAT DID THE MAN SAY AFTER A CAR CRASH CRUSHED HIS LEFT SIDE?
I'M ALL RIGHT.
=WHERE DOES THE LONE RANGER TAKE HIS GARBAGE?
TO THE DUMP, TO THE DUMP, TO THE DUMP DUMP DUMP!
=A MAN WAS TELLING A WOMAN SHE ONLY HAD 6 MONTHS TO LIVE.
"BUT DOCTOR, I DON'T THINK MY INSURANCE COVERS THIS ILLNESS AND I
COULDN'T SCRIMP ENOUGH TO PAY YOU IN THAT TIME!"  "LET'S SAY NINE
MONTHS THEN," HE QUICKLY REPLIED.
=A WOMAN WAS LOOKING AT FROZEN TURKEYS AT THE MARKET.
"DO THEY GET ANY BIGGER?" SHE ASKED A CLERK.
"NO, MAAM, THEY'RE DEAD!"
=A WOMAN WAS SO USED TO HAVING HER OWN WAY THAT SHE WOULD WRITE HER
DIARY A WEEK IN ADVANCE.
=A MAN WAS ON GROUCHO'S TV SHOW EXPLAINING THAT HE HAD 17 KIDS.
"WHY SO MANY KIDS?" ASKED GROUCHO.  "BECAUSE I LIKE KIDS," HE REPLIED.
"WELL, I LIKE CIGARS, BUT I TAKE TAKE THEM OUT OF MY MOUTH ONCE IN
AWHILE."
=AN INSURANCE MAN WAS TAKING INVENTORY AT THE OFFICE OF A REALTOR.
"YOU WANT ALL THE OFFICE FURNITURE INSURED, RIGHT?" HE ASKED.  "ALL
BUT THE CLOCK," THE REALTOR SAID, "EVERYBODY WATCHES THAT".
=MOST PEOPLE FIND IT EASY TO BUY THINGS ON TIME BUT MIGHTY HARD TO
PAY FOR THEM ON TIME.
=FOR A MAN TO BE A SUCCESSFUL SHEEP RANCHER HE MUST BE AS SHARP AS A
RAISER.
=WHAT'S BLACK AND CRISPY AND COMES ON A STICK?
JOAN OF ARC.
=WHY DIDN'T THEY CREMATE COLONEL SANDERS?
THEY COULDN'T AGREE ON REGULAR OR EXTRA-CRISPY.
=I'VE GOT HEART TROUBLE AND DROPSY: EVERY TIME I DROP DOWN I
HAVEN'T GOT THE HEART TO GET UP.
=A LITTLE GIRL CAME TO HER AUNT POLLY ASKING FOR A DOLLAR FOR A POOR MAN
CRYING OUTSIDE.  "YOU ARE SO THOUGHTFUL, DEAR," SAID AUNT POLLY,
"WHAT IS HE CRYING ABOUT?"  "HE'S CRYING, 'ICE CREAM CONES, $1'!"
=WHY IS A BATHING SUIT LIKE A BARBED WIRE FENCE?
BECAUSE IT PROTECTS THE PROPERTY WITHOUT OBSTRUCTING THE VIEW.
=WHAT SONG DID ELTON JOHN SING DURING THE ECLIPSE?
"DON'T LET THE SUN GO DOWN ON ME".
=YOU KNOW IT'S GOING TO BE A BAD DAY WHEN YOU GET TO THE OFFICE AND A 60
MINUTES TEAM IS WAITING FOR YOU.
=WHY IS E THE MOST UNFORTUNATE LETTER IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE?
BECAUSE IT IS NEVER IN CASH, ALWAYS IN DEBT, AND NEVER OUT OF DANGER.
=WHAT CAUSES TREES TO BECOME PETRIFIED?
THE WIND MAKES THEM ROCK.
=WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A HUNTER AND A FISHERMAN?
A HUNTER LIES IN WAIT WHILE A FISHERMAN WAITS AND LIES.
="EVERY TIME I DRINK A CUP OF COFFEE, DOC, I HAVE A STABBING PAIN
IN MY RIGHT EYE.  WHAT SHOULD I DO?"  "TAKE THE SPOON OUT OF YOUR CUP".
=WHAT DO YOU CALL A FILIPINO CONTORTIONIST?
A MANILLA FOLDER.
=HOW DO YOU TELL IF YOUR ACNE IS REALLY BAD?
IF A BLIND MAN HAS TO SPEED READ YOUR FACE.
=WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN AN IRISH WEDDING AND AN IRISH FUNERAL?
ONE LESS DRUNK.
=WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
HE WAS BLESSING IT.
=SIGN SEEN ON A DATSUN PICKUP:  "IF FORD MEANS QUALITY, I'M DOING
MY PART".
=WHAT DO YOU CALL A MIDGET PSYCHIC WHO JUST COMMITTED A CRIME?
A SMALL MEDIUM AT LARGE.
=WHY WAS THE DOMINATING WOMAN A WHEELBARROW IN HER PREVIOUS LIFE?
SHE WAS TIRED OF EVERYONE PUSHING HER AROUND.
=WHAT'S GREEN AND HAS HOLES?
A DRILL PICKLE.
=HOW CAN YOU TELL IF YOU'RE OVERWEIGHT?
IF YOU STEP ON YOUR DOG'S TAIL AND HE DIES.
=A BRIGHT COLLEGE STUDENT WAS ASKED TO WRITE A POEM USING THE
WORDS "ANALYZE" AND "ANATOMY".  HERE IS WHAT HE CAME UP WITH:
     MY ANALYZE OVER THE OCEAN
     MY ANALYZE OVER THE SEA
     OH WHO WILL GO OVER THE OCEAN
     AND BRING BACK MY ANATOMY.

%% 200, 0, General Clean Pt. 2
-GENERAL CLEAN PT. 2 (57 JOKES)
=WHAT DID THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR TO THE MATH CLASS?
AN ALGEBRA.
=WHAT DO YOU CALL AN OBSESSION WITH GOOSE FEATHERS?
DOWN SYNDROME.
=WHAT DO YOU CALL AN OBSESSION WITH FABRIC SOFTENER?
DOWNEY SYNDROME.
=WHAT ROCK CONCERT DID THE SOVIETS STAGE IN THE SUMMER OF 1991?
"2 LIVE COUP".
=WHY WAS THE CLOCK SO SLOW?
YOU WOULD BE TOO IF YOU RAN 24 HOURS A DAY.
="I'VE GOT SOME GOOD NEWS AND SOME BAD NEWS," THE DOCTOR TOLD THE
PATIENT. "THE BAD NEWS IS THAT YOU HAVE A DISEASE THAT IS CURABLE
IN ONLY 1 IN 10 CASES.  THE GOOD NEWS IS THAT THE LAST 9 PATIENTS
I HAD WITH THIS DISEASE DIED."
=MOM & DAD ARE TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT THEIR SON WANTS FOR HIS
15TH BIRTHDAY. THEY CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING SO THEY GO ASK HIM.
HE SAYS HE WANTS A PINK AND PURPLE PING PONG BALL.  THEY CAN'T
FIGURE OUT WHY, BUT THEY GET IT FOR HIM ANYWAY... NEXT YEAR ROLLS
AROUND AND THE SAME THING HAPPENS... THE KID SAYS HE WANTS ANOTHER
PINK AND PURPLE PING PONG BALL.. SO THEY GET IT FOR HIM (WONDERING
WHY HE DIDN'T WANT A CAR), HIS 17TH BDAY COMES AROUND AND AGAIN THE
KID WANTS A PINK AND PURPLE PING PONG BALL AND AGAIN THE PARENTS GET
HIM ONE. NEXT YEAR, 18TH BDAY, HE'S GONNA BE A MAN HIS PARENTS THINK,
HE'LL WANT SOMETHING BIG, SO THEY GO ASK HIM WHAT HE WANTS...
ANOTHER PINK AND PURPLE PING PONG BALL, SO THE GET HIM ANOTHER.
THE NEXT DAY THE KID'S OUT IN THE STREET PLAYING WITH ALL HIS PINK
AND PURPLE PING PONG BALLS AND GETS HIT BY A CAR... THE PARENTS RUN
OUT CRYING HYSTERICALLY BECAUSE THEY'LL NEVER KNOW WHY HE WANTED ALL
THOSE PINK AND PURPLE PING PONG BALLS, THEY RUN UP TO THEIR SON AND
ASK "WHY DID YOU WANT ALL THOSE PINK AND PURPLE PING PONG BALLS?"
.... HE DIES
=PRETEND YOU ARE IN A STEEL BOX 5 FT. THICK .  NO DOORS, NO WINDOWS,
NOT A SINGLE WAY OUT.  ALL YOU HAVE WITH YOU IS A WOOD BOARD AND A
MIRROR.  HOW DO YOU GET OUT?  GIVE UP?  OK, YOU LOOK IN THE MIRROR;
SEE WHAT YOU SAW; TAKE THE SAW, AND  SAW THE BOARD IN HALF; TWO
HALVES MAKE A HOLE; PUT THE HOLE IN THE WALL AND  WALK OUT.
PRETTY GOOD HUH!!!
=FLOYD WAS IN TOWN ONE WEEKEND TO GET HIS HAIR CUT.
AS HE SAT IN THE CHAIR,
THE BARBER TRIED TO START A CONVERSATION:
  "HOW'S THAT RETRIEVER OF YOURS, FLOYD?"
  "AWW," GRUNTED FLOYD, "HAD TO SHOOT HIM."
  THE BARBER PAUSES.  "WHAT IN TARNATION HAPPENED?"
  "HE GOT SPRAYED BY A SKUNK."
  THE BARBER ROLLS HIS EYES.  "FLOYD!  DIDN'T NOBODY NEVER TELL YOU
ABOUT  TOMATO JUICE?  TAKES THAT SKUNK SMELL RIGHT OFF 'EM."
  "HECK YEAH," PROTESTED FLOYD, "I HEARD OF IT.  I TRIED IT, BUT IT
DIDN'T  WORK, SO I HAD TO SHOOT HIM ANYWAYS."
  "WELL WHAT WENT WRONG?" ASKED THE CONCERNED BARBER (HE HAD A
RETRIEVER  TOO).
  "COULDN'T GET HIM TO DRINK IT."  GRUNTED FLOYD, AND WENT BACK TO
READING HIS PAPER.
=A FAITHFUL TEXAN WENT TO VISIT HIS FRIEND IN MAINE.  HIS FRIEND
ENJOYED THE VISIT, BUT GOT RATHER TIRED OF HEARING THE TEXAN ALWAYS
BRAGGING ABOUT HOW MUCH BIGGER EVERYTHING IN TEXAS WAS.  THE STATE IS
BIGGER, THE TREES ARE TALLER, THE WIND IS FASTER, THE STORMS ARE
FIERCER, THE ROADS ARE LONGER, THE PEOPLE ARE FRIENDLIER!  HE COULD
NOT TAKE IT ANYMORE.  ON THE NIGHT BEFORE THE TEXAN WAS TO LEAVE, HE
SNUCK INTO HIS ROOM AND PUT A GIANT MAINE LOBSTER UNDER THE COVERS.
WHEN THE TEXAN HOPPED INTO BED AND FOUND HIMSELF IN THE COMPANY OF
THE LOBSTER, HE SCREAMED, "WHAT THE HECK IS THIS IN MY BED?".  THE
MAINER, WITH A SLIGHT SMILE, REPLIED THAT IT WAS A "MAINE BED-BUG".
THE TEXAN LOOKED ASTOUNDED, THEN RELIEVED AS HE REPLIED, "OH, YOUNG
'UN, AIN'TIT?"
=I TRIED TO GIVE UP COFFEE IN THE MORNING BUT I FAILED.  WHY?
BECAUSE WHEN I WOKE UP IN THE MORNING, THE FIRST THING I NOTICED,
WAS THAT I DIDN'T.
=IF COUNT DRACULA WERE BURNED AT THE STAKE WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE?
TRANSYLVANIAN GHOULASH.
=WHY ARE KLINGONS TERRIBLE BASKETBALL PLAYERS?
BECAUSE THEY HATE TO TRIBBLE.
=DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE MORON WHO BOUGHT SOME NEW SHOES?
HE TRIED ON SOME 10S AND THEY FELT SO GOOD HE BOUGHT 12S!
=WHY DID THE SCHOOL PLAY HAVE A HAPPY ENDING?
BECAUSE EVERYBODY WAS GLAD IT WAS OVER.
=WHO IS BIGGER, MRS. BIGGER OR BABY BIGGER?
BABY BIGGER, BECAUSE HE IS A LITTLE BIGGER.
=WHAT DO YOU CALL A MUSHROOM THAT BUYS DRINKS FOR EVERYBODY IN A BAR?
A FUNGI TO BE WITH.
=WHY DO CHICKEN COUPS ONLY HAVE TWO DOORS?
BECAUSE IF THEY HAD FOUR THEY'D BE SEDANS.
=WHY DID THE MORON CUT A HOLE IN THE CARPET?
TO SEE THE FLOOR SHOW.
=WHAT DID XEROX AND WURLITZER SIGN A JOINT-AGREEMENT TO MAKE?
REPRODUCTIVE ORGANS.
=WHY DID THE DOG TAKE A LEAK ON THE SIGN?
BECAUSE IT SET "WET PAINT".
=WHY AREN'T SKIS LABELLED 'LEFT' AND RIGHT'?
SO BLONDES CAN SKI TOO,
=IF THEY CALL LITTLE ISLAND GIRLS WAIHINIS, WHAT DO THEY CALL LITTLE
ISLAND BOYS?
WAIHENERS.
=WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN DEMOCRAT AND REPUBLICAN PUPPIES?
ONE HAS THEIR EYES OPENED.
=WHAT DO YOU GET IF YOU PUT A MONKEY IN A BLENDER?
RHESUS PIECES.
="DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?" "10 AFTER 10."
"OH, A FORD FOLLOWING A CHEVROLET!" (TIN AFTER TIN)
=WHERE CAN A ROWING CHAMP BUY EQUIPMENT BY MAIL?
FROM SEARS ROWBOOK.
=MOST MODERN WOMEN'S IDEA OF HOUSEWORK?
GIVING THE ROOM A SWEEPING GLANCE.
=WHEN IT SNOWS IN ISRAEL DO THEY USE KOSHER SALT ON THE HIGHWAYS?
=WHY DON'T BEAN BAG CHAIRS MAKE YOU FART?
=WHY DOES 'MONOSYLLABIC' HAVE SO MANY SYLLABLES?
=NAME A HEBREW MONTH THAT HAS 4 LETTERS?
JULY.
=WHY DID THE BOY EAT THE DOLLAR HE BROUGHT TO SCHOOL?
IT WAS HIS LUNCH MONEY.
=TEACHER: "CAN YOU TELL ME WHERE THE ENGLISH CHANNEL IS?"'
STUDENT: "I DON'T KNOW, IT ISN'T ON MY TV!"
=WHAT DID ONE EYE SAY TO THE OTHER?
"MEET YOU ACROSS THE BRIDGE!"
=WHAT DID THE HAT SAY TO THE TIE?
I'LL GO ON AHEAD, YOU GO AROUND.
=WHAT IS THE SLOGAN OF GENETIC ENGINEERS?
"CLONES ARE PEOPLE TWO".
=I WENT TO THE STORE TO GET SOME RAT POISON.  BUT THE
TAMPER-RESISTANT PACKAGING WAS BROKEN.  I DIDN'T KNOW WHETHER
OR NOT TO BUY IT.  I MEAN, WHAT IF SOMEONE PUT SOME TYLENOL IN IT?
=WHAT IS THE BABY PHILOSOPHY:
IF IT STINKS, CHANGE IT.
=WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A DEAD TROMBONE PLAYER IN THE
ROAD AND A DEAD SNAKE IN THE ROAD?
THE SNAKE WAS ON HIS WAY TO A GIG.
=TWO MAIL-CARRIERS WERE STANDING ON THE CORNER WAITING FOR THE BUS
TO RETURN THEM TO THE POST OFFICE AFTER DELIVERING THE DAYS MAIL.
THE FIRST MAIL-CARRIER LOOKED DOWN AND SAW A SNAIL ON THE SIDEWALK,
SO HE REACHED OUT WITH HIS FOOT AND SQUISHED IT AND GROUND IT INTO
THE CEMENT WITH HIS SHOE.  THE SECOND MAIL-CARRIER WATCHED IN HORROR,
AND THE THEN EXCLAIMED..."WHY DID YOU DO THAT?"  THE FIRST
MAIL-CARRIER REPLIED, "WELL, IT HAS BEEN FOLLOWING ME AROUND ALL
DAY LONG!"
=THREE GUYS GETTING READY TO BE EXECUTED. THE WARDEN ASKED THE
WHITE GUY, "DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL REQUEST OR LAST WORDS?".  THE
CON SAID "NO, BUT I WOULD LIKE TO SAY I'M SORRY." THE WARDEN THEN
TOLD HIM "YOU SEE THIS ELECTRIC CHAIR DON'T WORK SO GOOD.  SOMETIMES
IT DO SOMETIMES IT DON'T. IF IT DON'T YOU'RE A FREE MAN."  "OK,"
HE SAID TO THE EXECUTIONER. YANK -- NOTHING HAPPENED.  THE WARDEN
SAID " OK YOU'RE A FREE MAN."  THE NEXT GUY HE ASKED WAS A BLACK MAN.
"ANY LAST REQUEST OR WORD?"  "NOPE, BUT I AM SORRY."  "OK, REMEMBER
WHAT I TOLD THE FIRST GUY MAYBE IT WILL WORK MAYBE IT WON'T".
YANK --  NOTHING HAPPENED AGAIN. "OK FELLA, YOU'RE FREE."  LAST GUY
JUST GOT HERE FROM WARSAW.  WARDEN SAID ANY LAST REQUEST OR ANYTHING
TO SAY?"  JONSKI SAID, "NO REQUEST BUT I DO HAVE A QUESTION.  WHAT
DOES THAT THERE BIG PLUG GO TO?"
=THIS GUY  WALKED INTO A BAR AND SAID "DOES ANYBODY WANT TO HEAR A
GOOD JOKE ABOUT HOW STUPID THE NEBRASKA FOOTBALL TEAM IS?"
THE BARTENDER SAID "SURE BUT LET ME WARN YOU, THAT GUY RIGHT THERE
WEIGHS 270 AND USED TO PLAY FOR NEBRASKA, AND THE FELLOW OVER THERE
WEIGHS 300 AND HE USED TO PLAY FOR NEBRASKA, AND I MYSELF USED TO
PLAY FOR THEM AND I WEIGH AT LEAST 250!  DO YOU STILL WANT TO TELL
THE JOKE?
THE GUY LOOKED AT THE BARTENDER AND SAID "NO WAY MAN!!!!!......I
DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO EXPLAIN IT THREE TIMES!"
=WHY DID THE BOOGER CROSS THE ROAD?!
EVERYBODY WAS PICKEN' ON IT!
=WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN TEXAS AND YOGURT?
ONE IS A LIVING CULTURE.
=HOW MANY REDNECKS DOES IT TAKE TO EAT AN ARMADILLO?
THREE, ONE TO EAT IT AND TWO TO WATCH FOR TRAFFIC.
=HOW DOES EVERY ETHNIC JOKE START?
BY LOOKING OVER YOUR SHOULDER.
=HOW DO AGGIES HAVE SEX?
THEY EXCHANGE UNDERWEAR.
=THREE GUYS WERE DRIVING THROUGH A DESERT AND THEIR CAR
BROKE DOWN.  SO THEY GOT OUT AND SAW A OLD HOUSE, SO THEY
WALKED OVER AND ASKED THE MAN WHO LIVED THERE IF THEY COULD
USE HIS PHONE, SO THE OLD MAN SAYS O.K BUT FIRST YOU ALL HAVE
TO RUN OVER TO THE ORCHARD AND GET A FRUIT, RUN BACK HERE, THEN
STICK IT UP YER BUTT BUT IF YOU LAUGH I'LL BLOW YER HEAD OFF.
SO ALL THE THREE GUY RUN OVER TO THE TREE.  THE FIRST GUY GETS
A BANANA, RUNS BACK, STICKS IT UP HIS BUTT, BUT LAUGHS, SO THE
FARMER PULLS OUT A GUN AND KILLS HIM (HE'S UP IN HEAVEN NOW).
THEN THE 2ND GUY GRABS A PEACH, GOES BACK, STICKS IT UP BUT
LAUGHS SO HE GETS BLOWN AWAY (HE'S IN HEAVEN NOW).  SO THE TWO
GUYS ARE UP IN HEAVEN TALKING NOW AND THE 1ST GUY SAYS TO THE
2ND GUY "WHY DID YOU LAUGH?"  AND THE 2ND GUY SAYS "THE PEACH
FUZZ TICKLED".  THEN THE 2ND GUY SAID TO THE 1ST, "WHY DID YOU
LAUGH?"  AND THE 1ST GUY SAYS "I SAW THE 3RD GUY RUNNING WITH
A WATERMELON!"
=LET ME TELL YOU THE TALE OF A BURGLAR BOLD THAT WENT TO ROB A HOUSE.
HE OPENED THE WINDOW THEN CREPT RIGHT IN AS SILENTLY AS A MOUSE.
HE GOT UNDER THE BED TO SWIPE HIS SWAY.  HE HOPED TO GET IT ALL.
BUT, IF HE WOULD HAVE KNOWN IT WAS AN OLD MAID'S HOUSE
HE WOULDN'T HAVE HAD THE GALL.
BY 9:00 THE OLD MAID CAME IN AND, "I'M VERY TIRED." SHE SAID,
AND THINKING EVERYTHING WAS ALRIGHT, FORGOT TO LOOK UNDER THE BED.
SHE TOOK OUT HER TEETH AND HER BIG GLASS EYE AND THE
WIG FROM THE TOP OF HER HEAD.
HE BURGLAR ALMOST HAD 55 FITS AS HE LOOKED FROM UNDER THE BED.
FROM UNDER THE BED THE BURGLAR CREPT, HE WAS A TOTAL WRECK.
THE OLD MAID WASN'T ASLEEP AT ALL.  SHE GRABBED HIM BY THE NECK.
SHE DIDN'T HOLLAR, YELL OR SCREAM.  SHE WAS AS COOL AS A CLAM.
SHE SILENTLY SAID "THE SAINTS BE PRAISED, AT LAST I'VE FOUND A MAN!"
FROM UNDER THE HER PILLOW A PISTOL SHE TOOK AND TO
THE BURGLAR SAID "YOUNG MAN IF YOU DON'T MARRY ME,
I'LL BLOW OFF YOUR HEAD!"
SHE HELD HIM FIRMLY BY THE NECK, HE NEVER HAD A CHANCE TO SCOOT.
HE LOOKED AT HER TEETH AND HER BIG GLASS EYE AND
SAID, "MADAM FOR HEAVEN'S SAKES SHOOT!"
=THERE WAS A PRIEST WHO NEEDED A BELL RINGER, SO HE PUT UP
SEVERAL ADS AROUND THE PLACE.  AFTER SEARCHING AND TALKING TO
SEVERAL APPLICANTS, HE INTERVIEWED A HUNCHBACK WITH NO ARMS.
 "HOW CAN YOU RING A BELL WITH NO ARMS?", ASKED THE PRIEST.
 "I'LL SHOW YOU", REPLIED THE HUNCHBACK AS THE WENT BACK TO THE
CHURCH BELL.  THE HUNCHBACK MADE A RUNNING START FOR THE BELL, AND
BANGED IT WITH HIS HEAD.
 "YOU'RE HIRED", SAID THE PRIEST.
 SO FOR THE FOUR O'CLOCK MASS THE NEXT DAY, THE HUNCHBACK MADE
HIS ROUND.  HE WENT UP TO THE BELL TOWER, MADE A RUNNING START
AND HIT IT WITH HIS HEAD.  HE BACKED UP, FEELING A BIT HAZED.  HE
RAN AND HIT THE BELL WITH HIS HEAD AGAIN.  HE BACKED UP, FEELING A
BIT OF PAIN. HE RAN UP AND HIT THE BELL WITH HIS HEAD AGAIN. HE
BACKED UP, FEELING VERY DIZZY. HE RAN UP, MISSED THE BELL
COMPLETELY AND PLUMMETED TO A PAINFUL DEATH.
 A CROWD OF PEOPLE CAME UP TO HIM. ONE ASKED, "WHO WAS THAT?"
ANOTHER ANSWERED, "I DUNNO, BUT HIS FACE RINGS A BELL".
THE PRIEST, AFTER THE UNFORTUNATE INCIDENT WITH HIS FIRST
HUNCHBACK, DECIDED THAT HE NEEDED ANOTHER BELL RINGER.  AT THE
FUNERAL, WITH THE FAMILY, THE HUNCHBACK'S BROTHER CAME UP TO THE
PRIEST.
 "CAN I TAKE OVER MY BROTHER'S POSITION?  HE WOULD'VE WANTED IT
 THAT WAY", SAID THE BROTHER.
 "WELL, I DON'T KNOW", SAID THE PRIEST WITH A LOOK OF WORRY, "I
CAN'T TAKE A CHANCE WITH ANOTHER HUNCHBACK WITH NO ARMS".
 "OH, THAT'S OKAY", REPLIED THE BROTHER, "I WON'T RUN AT THE BELL
LIKE MY BROTHER DID".
 "SO WHAT CAN YOU DO?", ASKED THE PRIEST.
 "WELL, I CAN RUN UP THE BELL TOWER, AND SLIDE DOWN THE ROPE WITH
MY TEETH, LIKE THIS...", SAID THE BROTHER AS HE RAN UP THE TOWER,
GRABBED THE ROPE WITH HIS TEETH AND SLID DOWN THE SHAFT, RINGING
THE BELL IN THE PROCESS.
 "YOU'RE HIRED!", SAID THE PRIEST.
 THE NEXT DAY, THE FOUR O'CLOCK MASS CAME AND THE HUNCHBACK CAME
TO DO HIS RUN.  HE RAN UP THE TOWER AND SLID DOWN THE ROPE WITH
HIS TEETH, RINGING THE BELL.  HE RAN UP AGAIN, NOT NOTICING A
SAILOR WALKING BY AS THE SAILOR THREW IN A MATCH THAT HE USED TO
LIGHT HIS PIPE.  THE HUNCHBACK SLID DOWN, RINGING THE BELL. HE RAN
UP, AS THE BELL TOWER WENT INTO FLAMES.
 AT THE FUNERAL, ONE PERSON ASKED, "WHO WAS HE?"
 ANOTHER ANSWERED, "HE WAS A DEAD RINGER TO HIS BROTHER".
=TWO OF NEW ENGLAND'S FINEST UNDERTAKERS, OLD MORT ROGERS AND
HIS BROTHER DICK, ARE ALSO EXPERTS AT RIGGING SAILING SHIPS.  MOST
AGREE THAT ALTHOUGH DICK IS A FINE SHIPBUILDER, HE'S NOT THE RIGGER
MORT IS.
=TWO COLLEGE CLASSMATES WERE FRIENDS BUT ALSO HIGHLY COMPETITIVE,
EACH ALWAYS TRYING TO OUTDO OR HUMBLE THE OTHER.  THEY BOTH DID
WELL IN LIFE...ONE IN THE NAVY...ONE IN THE CHURCH.  THE NAVAL MAN
BECAME AN ADMIRAL, AND WORE HIS MUCH-DECORATED UNIFORM WITH GREAT
PRIDE.  THE CHURCHMAN BECAME A BISHOP AND ALWAYS WORE COLORFUL
ECCLESIASTICAL ROBES.  AFTER THEY HAD NOT SEEN EACH OTHER FOR SOME
YEARS, THEY HAPPENED TO MEET AT THE DOORWAY OF A FANCY HOTEL IN
PHILADELPHIA.  THEY RECOGNIZED EACH OTHER BUT DID NOT LET ON.
INSTEAD, THE BISHOP WALKED OVER TO THE ADMIRAL, TAPPED HIM ON THE
SHOULDER, AND SAID, "PARDON ME, DOORMAN, BUT COULD YOU PLEASE HAIL
ME A TAXI FOR THE STATION?"  THE ADMIRAL TURNED, LOOKED THE BISHOP
UP AND DOWN, AND ANSWERED VERY GRACIOUSLY, "MADAME, IN YOUR
CONDITION, DO YOU THINK YOU SHOULD BE TRAVELING?"
=FARMER VOWS HE INCREASED EGG PRODUCTION BY PUTTING THIS SIGN
IN THE HENHOUSE:
"AN EGG A DAY KEEPS COLONEL SANDERS AWAY".
=THE DEER HUNT
 1:00 AM. ALARM CLOCK RINGS,
 2:00 AM. HUNTING PARTNERS ARRIVE, DRAG YOU OUT OF BED.
 2:30 AM. THROW EVERYTHING EXCEPT THE KITCHEN SINK INTO THE PICKUP.
 3:00 AM. LEAVE FOR THE DEEP WOODS
 3:15 AM. DRIVE BACK HOME TO PICK UP GUN.
 3:30 AM. DRIVE LIKE HELL TO GET TO THE WOODS BEFORE DAYLIGHT.
 4:00 AM. SET UP CAMP. FORGOT THE DAMN TENT.
 4:30 AM. HEAD FOR THE WOODS.
 6:05 AM. SEE EIGHT DEER.
 6:06 AM. TAKE AIM AND SQUEEZE TRIGGER.
 6:07 AM. CLICK
 6:08 AM. LOAD GUN WHILE WATCHING DEER GO OVER HILL.
 8:00 AM. HEAD BACK TO CAMP.
 9:00 AM. STILL LOOKING FOR CAMP
10.00 AM. REALIZE YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE CAMP IS.
 NOON     FIRE YOUR GUN FOR HELP - EAT WILD BERRIES.
 2:15 PM. RUN OUT OF BULLETS - EIGHT DEER COME BACK.
 2:20 PM. STRANGE FEELING IN STOMACH.
 2:30 PM. REALIZE YOU HAVE EATEN POISON BERRIES.
 2:45 PM. RESCUED.
 2:55 PM. RUSHED TO HOSPITAL TO HAVE STOMACH PUMPED.
 3:00 PM. ARRIVE BACK AT CAMP.
 3:30 PM. LEAVE CAMP TO KILL DEER.
 4:00 PM. RETURN TO CAMP FOR BULLETS.
 4:01 PM. LOAD GUN - LEAVE CAMP AGAIN.
 5:00 PM. EMPTY GUN AT SQUIRREL THAT IS BUGGING YOU.
 6:00 PM. ARRIVE AT CAMP - SEE DEER GRAZING IN CAMP.
 6:01 PM. LOAD GUN.
 6:02 PM. FIRE GUN.
 6:03 PM. ONE DEAD PICKUP.
 6:05 PM. HUNTING, PARTNER ARRIVES IN CAMP DRAGGING DEER.
 6:06 PM  REPRESS DESIRE TO SHOOT HUNTING PARTNER.
 6:07 PM. FALL INTO FIRE.
 6:10 PM. CHANGE CLOTHES.
 6:15 PM. TAKE PICKUP. LEAVE HUNTING PARTNER AND HIS DEER IN CAMP.
 6:25 PM. PICKUP BOILS OVER - HOLE SHOT IN BLOCK.
 6:25 PM. START WALKING.
 6:30 PM. STUMBLE AND FALL. DROP GUN IN MUD.
 6:35 PM. MEET BEAR.
 6:36 PM. TAKE AIM.
 6:37 PM. FIRE GUN. BLOW UP BARREL,PLUGGED WITH MUD.
 6:38 PM. MESS PANTS.
 6:39 PM. CLIMB TREE.
 9:00 PM. BEAR LEAVES. WRAP !*?*?!* GUN AROUND TREE.
 MIDNIGHT HOME AT LAST.
 SUNDAY   WATCH FOOTBALL GAME ON TV SLOWLY TEARING HUNTING
          LICENSE INTO SMALL PIECES, PLACE IN ENVELOPE AND MAIL TO
          GAME DEPARTMENT WITH DETAILED INSTRUCTIONS ON WHERE TO
          PLACE IT.
=THERE ONCE WAS GENERAL NAMED LEE
WITH A MIDDLE INITIAL OF E.
BUT WIN WARS, HE CAN'T,
THAT PRIZE WENT TO GRANT,
AND THUS WAS DEFEATED DIXIE.
="HELLO.  WELCOME TO THE PSYCHIATRIC HOTLINE."
"IF YOU ARE OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE, PLEASE PRESS 1
REPEATEDLY."
"IF YOU ARE CO-DEPENDENT, PLEASE ASK SOMEONE TO PRESS
2."
"IF YOU HAVE MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES, PLEASE PRESS 3,
4, 5 AND 6."
"IF YOU ARE PARANOID-DELUSIONAL, WE KNOW WHO YOU ARE
AND WHAT YOU WANT.  JUST STAY ON THE LINE UNTIL WE
CAN TRACE THE CALL."
"IF YOU ARE SCHIZOPHRENIC, LISTEN CAREFULLY AND A LITTLE
VOICE WILL TELL YOU WHAT NUMBER TO PRESS."
"IF YOU ARE DEPRESSED, IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT NUMBER
YOU PRESS.  NO ONE WILL ANSWER."

%% 200, 0, Animals
-ANIMALS (48 JOKES)

=A DUCK GOES INTO A PHARMACY AND SAYS, "GIVE ME SOME CHAP STICK, PUT
IT ON MY BILL!"
=WHAT DO YOU CALL A LINE OF RABBITS JUMPING BACKWARDS?
A RECEDING HAIRLINE.
=WHAT IS GREY, WARM, AND WATERY?
A MELTED PENGUIN.
=WHY DID THE CAT GIVE UP ON CHASING THE MICE?
BECAUSE HE DIDN'T LIKE FAST FOOD.
=WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A CAT AND A PIG?
SAUSAGE LYNX.
=WHAT DO YOU CALL LITTLE BUGS THAT LIVE ON THE MOON?
LUNATICS!
=WHY DID THE GRASSHOPPER GO TO THE DOCTOR?
BECAUSE HE FELT JUMPY.
=A MAN WAS REPORTING THE THEFT OF HIS GRANDFATHER CLOCK TO THE SHERIFF.
"I THOUGHT YOU KEPT YOUR DOG IN THE LIVING ROOM WHERE THE CLOCK IS",
SAID THE SHERIFF. "YES," THE MAN REPLIED, "BUT HE'S ONLY A WATCH DOG!"
=DID YOU HEAR THAT THE CALIFORNIA GRAPES WERE MURDERED?
IT WAS A CEREAL KILLER.
=THE LAST WORDS OF THE ROCK LOBSTER?
TURN IT UP!
=WHAT DID THE MAN DO WHEN HIS CAT GOT RUN OVER BY A STEAMROLLER?
NOTHING, HE JUST SAT THERE WITH A LONG PUSS.
=WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A PIT BULL AND A COLLIE?
A DOG THAT WILL BITE YOU THEN GO FOR HELP.
=WHAT HAS ORANGE HAIR, BIG FEET AND COMES OUT OF A TEST TUBE?
BOZO THE CLONE.
=WHY CAN'T YOU GO TO THE BATHROOM AT A BEATLES CONCERT ANYMORE?
THERE'S NO JOHN.
=WHY IS THERE A HORSE ON THE TEAMSTER'S LOGO?
BECAUSE IT IS AN ANIMAL THAT CAN SLEEP STANDING UP.
=WHAT IS PURPLE AND CONQUERED THE KNOWN WORLD?
ALEXANDER THE GRAPE.
=WHO IS BURIED IN ALEXANDER THE GRAPE'S TOMB?
ALEXANDER THE RAISIN.
=WHAT IS THE OCTUPUS' FAVORITE SONG?
"I WANT TO HOLD YOUR HANDS."
=WHAT DID ONE FLY SAY TO THE OTHER?
"PARDON ME, IS THIS STOOL TAKEN?"
=WHAT WERE THE LAST WORDS OF MR. ED, THE TALKING HORSE?
"A CORPSE IS A CORPSE, OF HORSE, OF HORSE."
=WHAT DO YOU CALL A DEER WITH NO EYES?
NO EYE DEER.
=WHAT DO YOU CALL A DEER WITH NO EYES AND NO LEGS?
STILL NO EYE DEER.
=WHY DO GORILLAS HAVE BIG NOSTRILS?
BECAUSE THEIR FINGERS ARE SO BIG.
=WHY DID THE MONKEY FALL OUT OF THE TREE?
BECAUSE HE WAS DEAD.
=WHAT'S GREEN AND RED AND GOES 1000 MILES AN HOUR?
A FROG IN A BLENDER.
=WHAT DID THE WORM SAY TO THE CATERPILLAR?
"WHAT DID YOU DO TO GET THAT FUR COAT?"
=WHAT DO LITTLE GIRL FISH LIKE TO PLAY WITH?
DOLPHINS.
=WHY DID THE MONKEY FALL OUT OF THE TREE?
BECAUSE HE WAS DEAD.
=WHY DO GORILLAS HAVE BIG NOSTRILS?
BECAUSE THEIR FINGERS ARE SO BIG.
=WHAT'S BLACK AND WHITE AND RED ALL OVER?
A SKUNK WITH A DIAPER RASH.
=WHAT IS BLACK AND WHITE AND RED ALL OVER?
A SUNBURNED ZEBRA.
=TWO COWS WERE STANDING IN A FIELD. THE FIRST COW TURNS TO
THE SECOND AND SAYS, "MOOOOOOOO".
THE SECOND COW TURNS TO THE FIRST AND SAID, "NOW HOW DID I
KNOW YOU WERE GOING TO SAY THAT?"
=MEANWHILE IN A FIELD NOT SO FAR AWAY, TWO OTHER COWS WERE
GRAZING WHEN ONE RAISED ITS HEAD AND SAID, "MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO."
THE SECOND COW REPLIES, "BAAAAAAAAAAA."
OUR FIRST COW SAID WITH SURPRISE, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"
"OH,  I'M PRACTICING A FOREIGN LANGUAGE."
=WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A COW WITH A TEENAGE MUTANT
NINJA TURTLE?
AN ADOLESCENT TEENAGED MUTANT NINJA COW.
=WHAT DO YOU CALL A COW WITH NO LEGS?
GROUND BEEF.
=WHAT DO YOU CALL A COW WITH 3 LEGS?
LEAN BEEF.
=WHAT DO YOU CALL A COW WITH NO HIND LEGS?
AN UDDER DRAG.
=WHAT DO YOU CALL THAT SAME COW JUMPING A BOB-WIRE FENCE?
AN UDDER DISASTER (UDDER DESTRUCTION).
=WHAT DO YOU CALL A COW THAT WON'T GIVE MILK?
UDDERLY USELESS.
=WHAT DO YOU CALL A COW WITH A COLD?
UDDERLY DISCUSTING.
=WHY DID THE ELEPHANT REMEMBER THE FAVOR THE TURTLE DID HIM
25 YEARS EARIER?
HE HAD TURTLE RECALL.
=WHY DID THE ELEPHANT WEAR TENNIES?
BECAUSE NINIES WERE TOO SMALL.
=WHY DID THE ELEPHANT STAND ON THE MARSHMALLOW?
SO HE WOULDN'T FALL IN THE HOT CHOCOLATE.
=WHY DID THE ELEPHANT WEAR TENNIES?
BECAUSE NINIES WERE TOO SMALL.
=VISTOR: "HOW DID YOUR HORSE HAPPEN TO WIN THE RACE?"
JOCKEY: "WELL, I JUST KEPT WHISPERING IN HER EAR, ROSES ARE RED,
VIOLETS ARE BLUE, HORSES THAT LOSE ARE MADE INTO GLUE.'"
=OF ALL DOGS, THE HOT DOG IS MANS BEST FRIEND.  WHY?
BECAUSE ITS THE ONLY DOG THAT FEEDS THE HAND THAT BITES IT!
=THERE WAS THIS TRUCK DRIVER DRIVING DOWN THE ROAD.  HE HAD BEEN
DRIVING FOR 18 HOURS.  IT WAS GETTING DARK OUTSIDE AND HE WAS DOSING
OFF.  HE HEARD "THUMP.. THUMP..THUMP...THUMP".  HE PULLED OVER TO THE
SIDE OF THE ROAD, GOT OUT OF HIS TRUCK AND RAN BACK DOWN THE ROAD.
HE SCREAMED AT THE BLOODY SIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD!!!!!
THERE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD WAS A RABBIT.... OR WHAT USED TO BE
A RABBIT. (THIS GUY IS AN ANIMAL LOVER).  HE RUNS OVER TO THE PANCAKE
SHAPED RABBIT, PICKS IT UP CAREFULLY, AND TAKES IT TO THE SIDE OF THE
ROAD.  HE GENTLY LAYS IT DOWN AND KNEELS BESIDE IT CRYING AND MUMBLING
TO HIMSELF "I KNEW I NEVER SHOULD HAVE PUSHED IT. I KNEW I WAS
DRIVING TO LONG. NOW LOOK WHAT HAPPENED! I KILLED ANOTHER LIVING
THING! I'M DOOMED!"  JUST THEN, A PRIEST WAS DRIVING BY AND NOTICED
THE TRUCK DRIVER KNEELING ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD.  HE THOUGHT HE
MIGHT BE ABLE TO HELP SO HE STOPPED AND GOT OUT OF HIS CAR.  HE
WALKED OVER TO THE TRUCK DRIVER AND SPOKE "WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE
PROBLEM SON?"  "I KILLED THIS RABBIT AND I AM GOING TO BE PUNISHED
FOR IT!"  THE PRIEST KNELT DOWN BESIDE THE TRUCK DRIVER AND THE
RABBIT AND TOLD THE MAN THAT HE COULD HELP.  THE PRIEST FLIPPED THE
RABBIT OVER A FEW TIMES AND SAID THAT IT WOULD BE ALRIGHT.  HE
REACHED INTO HIS JACKET AND PULLED OUT A VILE.  HE OPENED IT AND
POURED THE CONTENTS OVER THE RABBIT.  THEN HE SAID A PRAYER.........
A FEW SECONDS LATER, THE RABBIT STARTED TO PUFF UP.  A FEW MORE
SECONDS AND THE RABBIT WAS FULL SIZE AGAIN.  A FEW MORE SECONDS,
THE RABBIT GOT UP AND HOPPED FOR A BIT, THEN TURNED AROUND AND WAVED
AT THE PRIEST AND THE TRUCK DRIVER.  THE RABBIT HOPPED A LITTLE
FURTHER, THEN TURNED AROUND AND WAVED AGAIN.  THE RABBIT HOPPED UNTIL
HE WAS JUST ABOUT TO GO INTO THE WOODS, TURNED AROUND, AND WAVED ONE
LAST TIME BEFORE DISAPPEARING INTO THE WOODS.  WELL!  THE TRUCK DRIVER
WAS BESIDES HIMSELF!  HE HAD NEVER SEEN A MIRACLE BEFORE. HE ASKED THE
PRIEST IF HE HAD USED "HOLY WATER" ON THE RABBIT.  THE PRIEST REPLIED,
"NO MY SON, THAT WASN'T HOLY WATER. WHAT I USED ON THE RABBIT
WAS A BOTTLE OF "HAIR RESTORER, WITH PERMANENT WAVE."
=A COCKROACH SHOWED UP AT A GUY'S DOOR, PUSHED ITS WAY IN, AND
PROCEEDED TO PUMMEL THE MAN UNTIL HE WAS LYING COVERED IN BRUISES,
GASPING FOR AIR.  THE MAN WENT TO THE EMERGENCY WARD AT HIS LOCAL
HOSPITAL TO BE TREATED. WHEN THE MAN FINALLY GOT IN TO SEE A DOCTOR,
HE WILDLY GESTURED TO SPEAK AND WAS INTERRUPTED BY THE DOCTOR.
"YEAH, I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GONNA SAY.  THERE'S A NASTY BUG GOING
AROUND."

%% 200, 0, Religion/Priests/Nuns
-RELIGION/PRIESTS/NUNS (13 JOKES)

=WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A JEHOVAH'S WITNESS WITH AN
ATHEIST?
SOMEONE WHO RINGS YOUR DOORBELL FOR ABSOLUTELY NO REASON AT ALL!
=WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS AN INSOMNIAC, AN AGNOSTIC, AND A
DYSLEXIC?
A PERSON WHO LIES AWAKE AT NIGHT WONDERING IF THERE IS REALLY A DOG.
=HOW COME NO ONE EVER CAME UP WITH ANY JOKES ABOUT THE JONESTOWN
INCIDENT?
THE PUNCH LINES WERE TOO LONG.
=WHY DIDN'T JESUS GET INTO COLLEGE?
HE GOT HUNG UP ON HIS BOARDS.
=WHAT DID THE BUDDHIST SAY TO THE HOT DOG VENDOR?
"MAKE ME ONE WITH EVERYTHING!"
=WHAT DO YOU CALL A NUN WITH A SEX CHANGE?
A TRANSISTER.
=WHAT DID SALLY FIELD SAY AT THE CASTING COUCH TO GET THE PART OF
THE FLYING NUN?
"NUN FOR ME, GOTTA FLY!"
=WHAT'S BLACK AND WHITE AND HAS A HARD TIME GETTING THROUGH A
REVOLVING DOOR?
A NUN WITH A SPEAR THROUGH HER HEAD.
=DUCKING INTO CONFESSION WITH A TURKEY IN HIS ARMS, THE MAN SAID,
"FORGIVE ME, FATHER, FOR I HAVE SINNED.  I STOLE THIS TURKEY TO FEED
MY FAMILY.  WOULD YOU TAKE IT AND ASSUAGE MY GUILT?"
"CERTAINLY NOT," SAID THE PRIEST.  "AS PENANCE, YOU MUST RETURN IT
TO THE ONE FROM WHOM YOU STOLE IT."
"I--I TRIED," THE MAN SOBBED, "BUT HE REFUSED.  OH, FATHER, WHAT
SHOULD I DO?"
"IF WHAT YOU SAY IS TRUE, THEN IT IS ALL RIGHT FOR YOU TO KEEP IT
FOR YOUR FAMILY."
THANKING THE PRIEST, THE MAN HURRIED OFF.
WHEN CONFESSION WAS OVER, THE PRIEST RETURNED TO HIS RESIDENCE,
TO FIND THAT SOMEONE HAD STOLEN HIS THANKSGIVING TURKEY.
=A DRUNK CARRYING A FIFTH OF GIN IN A RUMPLED NEWSPAPER WENT INTO
A CHURCH AND TALKED TO A PRIEST.  "WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS, FATHER?"
HE ASKED.  THE PRIEST, INTENDING TO TEACH HIM A MORAL LESSON,
REPLIED, "IT'S CAUSED BY LOOSE LIVING, BEING WITH CHEAP WICKED
WOMEN, TOO MUCH ALCOHOL, AND CONTEMPT FOR YOUR FELLOW MAN."
"WELL," SAID THE MAN, "I WAS JUST ASKING BECAUSE I READ HERE THAT
THE POPE HAS ARTHRITIS AND I DON'T."
=RENE DESCARTES IS SITTING IN A RESTAURANT AFTER HAVING A GOOD MEAL.
THE  WAITER WALKS UP AND ASKS IF HE'D LIKE A CUP OF COFFEE. RENE SAYS
"I THINK NOT" -- AND *POOF* HE DISAPPEARS!
=THERE'S THIS GUY PAINTING A CHURCH.  HE WANTS TO GET IT DONE
IN ONE DAY, AND HE'S GOT THREE SIDES PAINTED WHEN HE REALIZES
THAT HE'S NOT GOING TO HAVE ENOUGH PAINT TO FINISH. HE DOESN'T WANT
TO GO BUY SOME MORE, SO HE PUTS SOME WATER IN THE PAINT AND FINISHES
THE BUILDING.  JUST THEN A HUGE STORM COMES UP AND WASHES ALL THE
PAINT OFF THE CHURCH.  A BIG VOICE COMES OUT FROM THE CLOUDS AND
SAYS, "REPAINT! AND THIN NO MORE!"
=IT WAS THE CUSTOM OF THE SISTERS OF MERCY MISSION TO OFFER A MEAL
AND A POT OF TEA TO EVERY VISITOR.  OF COURSE THE MISSION WAS IN
THE MIDDLE OF THE OUTBACK.
ONE DAY A BAND OF KOALA BEARS DROPPED BY; AND AS CUSTOMARY, THE
SISTERS FED THE BEARS, BUT WHEN IT CAME TO THE POT OF TEA, THE
SISTERS WERE BAFFLED!  KOALAS DON'T DRINK TEA!  FINALLY ONE
SISTER USED EUCALYPTUS LEAVES AND THE KOALAS DRANK THE TEA!
BUT AS SOON AS THE BEARS FINISHED THE TEA, THEY FELL TO THE
GROUND, CLUTCHING THEIR TUMMYS IN PAIN!  THE WORRIED SISTERS
TOOK THE BEARS TO THE NEAREST VET IN THE ROVER.  THE VET HUMMED
& HAWWED, THUMPED & LISTENED; FINALLY HE LOOKED UP AND SAID TO
THE MOTHER SUPERIOR "I SUGGEST THAT THE NEXT TIME YOU FEED TEA
TO KOALAS, YOU STRAIN IT FIRST."
THE MOTHER SUPERIOR STOOD UP WITH FIRE IN HER EYES AND SAID,
"THE KOALA TEA OF MERCY WILL NEVER BE STRAINED!"

%% 200, 0, Elvis
-ELVIS (1 JOKE)

=            COMPARATIVE ANALYSIS:  JESUS VS. ELVIS
             ======================================

  Jesus' entourage, the Apostles, had 12 members.
  Elvis' entourage, the Memphis Mafia, had 12 members.

  Jesus is a Capricorn.  (December 25)
  Elvis is a Capricorn.  (January 8)

  Matthew was one of Jesus' many biographers.
    (The Gospel According to Matthew)
  Neil Matthews was one of Elvis' many biographers.
    (Elvis: A Golden Tribute)

  Jesus said: "Love thy neighbor."  (Matthew 22:39)
  Elvis said: "Don't be cruel." (RCA, 1956)

  Jesus is the Lords's shepherd.
  Elvis dated Cybill Shepherd.

  Jesus was part of the Trinity.
  Elvis' first band was a trio.

  Jesus walked on water. (Matthew 14:25)
  Elvis surfed. (Blue Hawaii, Paramount, 1965)

  Jesus was resurrected.
  Elvis had the famous 1968 "comeback" TV special.

  Jesus said, "If any man thirst, let him come unto me, and
    drink."  (John 7:37)
  Elvis said, "Drinks on me!" (Jailhouse Rock, MGM, 1957)

  Jesus fasted for 40 days and nights.
  Elvis had irregular eating habits.

  Mary, an important woman in Jesus' life, had an Immaculate
    Conception.
  Priscilla, an important woman in Elvis' life, went to Immaculate
    Conception High School.

  Jesus was first and foremost the Son of God.
  Elvis first recorded with Sun Studios, which today are still
    considered to be his foremost recordings.

  Jesus' Father is everywhere.
  Elvis' father was a drifter, and moved around quite a bit.

  Jesus was a carpenter.
  Elvis' favorite high school class was wood shop.

  Jesus wore a crown of thorns.
  Elvis wore Royal Crown hair styler.

  Jesus H. Christ has 12 letters.
  Elvis Presley has 12 letters.

  No one knows what the "H" in "Jesus H. Christ" stood for.
  No one was really sure if Elvis' middle name was "Aron" or
    "Aaron."

  Jesus said: "Man shall not live by bread alone."
  Elvis liked his sandwiches with peanut butter and bananas.

  Jesus lived in state of grace in a Near Eastern land.
  Elvis lived in Graceland in a nearly eastern state.

  "[Jesus] countenance was like lightning, and his raiment
    white as snow."  (Matthew 28:3)
  Elvis wore snow-white jumpsuits with lightning bolts.

  Jesus was the lamb of God.
  Elvis had mutton chop sideburns.

(If you consider this sacrilegious; apologies to Elvis.)

%% 200, 0, NASA
-NASA (11 JOKES)

=WHAT DOES NASA STAND FOR?
NEED ANOTHER SEVEN ASTRONAUTS.
=WHAT WERE CHRISTIE MCAULIFFE'S LAST WORDS?
"WHAT DOES THIS BUTTON DO?"
=WHAT WAS THE LAST COMMUNICATION FROM THE COLUMBIA?
"GIMME A LIGHT...OOPS I MEAN A BUD LI..."
=DID YOU HEAR THAT CHRISTIE MCAULIFFE CHANGED HER SUBJECT?
SHE USED TO TEACH MATH, BUT NOW SHE'S HISTORY.
=WHAT DID THE BUMPER STICKER ON THE WRECKAGE OF THE CHALLENGER SAY
WHEN THEY BROUGHT IT UP?
"IF YOU CAN READ THIS, THANK A TEACHER."
=HOW WAS THE SPACE SHUTTLE LIKE THE NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS?
FOR 72 SECONDS THEY WERE BOTH FLYING HIGH.
=DID YOU KNOW THAT CHRISTIE MCAULIFFE HAD BLUE EYES?
ONE BLEW THIS WAY...ONE BLEW THAT WAY.
=WHAT DID CHRISTIE MCAULIFFE SAY TO HER HUSBAND BEFORE THE LAUNCH?
"YOU FEED THE DOG, I'LL FEED THE FISH".
=WHY IS COKE THE OFFICIAL DRINK OF NASA?
THEY CAN'T GET SEVEN UP.
=WHAT WAS CHRISTIE MCAULIFFE GOING TO BRING BACK FOR HER STUDENTS?
A BLOW-UP POSTER OF THE SHUTTLE.
=WHERE DID CHRISTIE MCAULIFFE SPEND HER WINTER VACATION?
ALL OVER FLORIDA.

%% 200, 0, Chernobyl
-CHERNOBYL (5 JOKES)

=WHAT HAS FEATHERS AND GLOWS IN THE DARK?
CHICKEN KIEV.
=WHAT'S THE MOST POPULAR BRAND OF SUNGLASSES IN SWEDEN AFTER CHERNOBYL?
RAY-BANS.
=DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE CHERNOBYL WORKER WHO GREW 5 PENISES?
NOW HIS PANTS FIT HIM LIKE A GLOVE.
=WHAT DID A RUSSIAN MOTHER SAY TO HER SON AFTER CHERNOBYL?
"STOP PICKING YOUR NOSES!"
=HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THE NEXT GENERATION OF SCANDINAVIANS AFTER
THE CHERNOBYL ACCIDENT?
BLOND EYES AND BLUE HAIR.

%% 200, 0, Ethiopian
-ETHIOPIAN (6 JOKES)

=WHO MANY ETHIOPIANS DOES IT TAKE TO FILL A SHOWER?
NONE, THEY KEEP SLIPPING DOWN THE DRAIN.
=HOW ARE AN ETHIOPIAN AND A PAIR OF JEANS DIFFERENT?
A PAIR OF JEANS ONLY HAS ONE FLY ON IT.
=DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE ETHIOPIAN WHO FELL INTO A CROCODILE PIT?
BEFORE THEY COULD PULL HIM OUT HE ATE THREE OF THEM.
=WHAT DO YOU CALL AN ETHIOPIAN WITH A SESAME SEED ON HIS HEAD?
A QUARTER POUNDER.
=WHAT'S THE FASTEST ANIMAL IN THE WORLD?
AN ETHIOPIAN CHICKEN.
=HOW MANY ETHIOPIANS CAN YOU FIT IN A VW?
ALL OF THEM.

%% 200, 0, Salesman
-SALESMAN (4 JOKES)

=NOTHING GIVES A USED CAR MORE MILES PER GALLON THAN A SALESMAN.
(BOSWELL'S RULE)
=HOW DO YOU GET A CAR SALESMAN OUT OF A TREE? WAVE AT HIM.
=DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE SALESMAN WITH 2 RED EARS?
HE WAS IRONING A SHIRT WHEN THE PHONE RANG, AND PICKED UP THE
IRON AND PUT IT TO HIS EAR.  LATER, THE PARTY CALLED BACK.
=A COMPUTER SALESMAN DIES AND MEETS ST. PETER AT THE PEARLY GATES.
ST. PETER TELLS THE SALESMAN THAT HE CAN CHOOSE BETWEEN HEAVEN AND
HELL.  FIRST HE SHOWS THE MAN HEAVEN, WHERE PEOPLE IN WHITE ROBES
PLAY HARPS AND FLOAT AROUND. "DULL," SAYS THE SALESMAN.
NEXT, ST. PETER SHOWS HIM HELL: TOGA PARTIES, GOOD FOOD AND WINE, PEOPLE
LOOKING AS THOUGH THEY'RE HAVING A FINE TIME. "I'LL TAKE HELL!" HE SAYS.
HE ENTERS THE GATES OF HELL AND IS IMMEDIATELY SET UPON BY A DOZEN DEMONS,
WHO POKE HIM WITH PITCHFORKS. "HEY," THE SALESMAN DEMANDS AS SATAN WALKS
PAST, "WHAT HAPPENED TO THE PARTY I SAW GOING ON?"
"AHH," SATAN REPLIES. "YOU MUST HAVE SEEN OUR DEMO."

%% 200, 0, Light Bulb
-LIGHT BULB (62 JOKES)

=HOW MANY DONALD TRUMPS DOES IT TAKE TO SCREW IN A LIGHT BULB?
ONE, THE WHOLE WORLD REVOLVES AROUND HIM.
=HOW MANY JUGGLERS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
ONE, BUT HE HAS TO HAVE AT LEAST 3 BULBS.
=HOW MANY GORILLAS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
ONE, BUT HE HAS TO HAVE A TRUCKLOAD OF BULBS.
=HOW MANY PSYCHIATRISTS DOES IT TAKE TO SCREW IN A LIGHT BULB?
ONE, BUT THE LIGHT BULB MUST NEED TO BE SCREWED IN FIRST.
=HOW MANY MCDONALD'S EMPLOYEES DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
"NO HABLA INGLES".
=HOW MANY SURGEONS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?
"WHY DON'T YOU JUST LET US REMOVE THE ENTIRE SOCKET - YOU DON'T
NEED IT, AND IT'LL JUST GIVE YOU TROUBLE LATER."
=HOW MANY DATA BASE PEOPLE DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
THREE:
   ONE TO WRITE THE LIGHT BULB REMOVAL PROGRAM,
   ONE TO WRITE THE LIGHT BULB INSERTION PROGRAM, AND
   ONE TO ACT AS A LIGHT BULB ADMINISTRATOR TO MAKE SURE THAT
   NOBODY ELSE TRIES TO CHANGE THE BULB AT THE SAME TIME.
=HOW MANY VALLEY GIRLS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
TWO.  ONE TO OPEN THE DIET PEPSI, THE 2ND TO CALL DADDY.
=HOW MANY JEWISH MOTHERS-IN-LAW DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
"OY VEY, MY SON DOESN'T LOVE ME, HE HAS ME LIVING IN THE DARK."
=HOW MANY SOUTHERN CALIFORNIANS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
ELEVEN.  ONE TO CHANGE THE BULB, 5 TO SHARE THE EXPERIENCE, AND FIVE
TO FILE THE ENVIRONMENTAL IMPACT STATEMENT.
=HOW MANY KLINGONS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
ONE TO CHANGE THE BULB, AND ONE TO KILL HIM AND TAKE THE CREDIT.
=HOW MANY REAL MEN DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
REAL MEN AREN'T AFRAID OF THE DARK.
=HOW MANY COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
SORRY, THAT'S A HARDWARE PROBLEM.
=HOW MANY COMPUTER HARDWARE TECHNICIANS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A
LIGHT BULB?
NONE, IT'S GOTTA BE A SOFTWARE PROBLEM.
1. GEE, I NEVER SAW THIS MODEL BEFORE.
2. HARDWARE TECH'S DON'T CHANGE LIGHT BULBS, THEY INSTALL LED'S.
3. SORRY, I DON'T HAVE THAT PART ON THE TRUCK, WE'LL HAVE TO ORDER
   IT FROM THE FACTORY - IT'LL TAKE 4 WEEKS AS THEY'RE ON STRIKE.
=HOW MANY WHITE HOUSE STAFFERS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
NONE.  THEY LIKE TO KEEP RONNIE IN THE DARK.
=HOW MANY NEW YORKERS DOES IT TAKE TO SCREW IN A LIGHT BULB?
"NONE OF YOUR %@$!^# BUSINESS!"
=HOW MANY PSYCHOLOGISTS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
NONE, THE BULB WILL CHANGE ITSELF WHEN IT IS READY.
=HOW MANY PROGRAMMERS DOES IT TAKE TO REPLACE A LIGHT BULB?
NONE, THAT'S OBVIOUSLY A HARDWARE PROBLEM.
=HOW MANY POLES DOES IT TAKE TO SCREW IN A LIGHT BULB?
FIVE, ONE TO HOLD THE BULB, AND FOUR TO TURN THE LADDER.
=HOW MANY CALIFORNIANS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
SIX.  ONE TO TURN THE BULB, ONE FOR SUPPORT, AND FOUR TO
RELATE TO THE EXPERIENCE.
=HOW MANY OREGONIANS DOES IT TAKE TO SCREW IN A LIGHT BULB?
FIVE.  ONE TO CHANGE THE BULB AND FOUR MORE TO CHASE OFF THE
CALIFORNIANS WHO HAVE COME UP TO RELATE TO THE EXPERIENCE.
=HOW MANY W.A.S.P.S DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
TWO.  ONE TO CALL THE ELECTRICIAN AND ONE TO MIX THE MARTINIS.
=HOW MANY `REAL MEN' DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
NONE:  `REAL MEN' AREN'T AFRAID OF THE DARK.
=HOW MANY `REAL WOMEN' DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
NONE:  A 'REAL WOMAN' WOULD HAVE PLENTY OF REAL MEN AROUND TO DO IT.
=HOW MANY JEWISH MOTHERS DOES IT TAKE TO SCREW IN A LIGHT BULB?
NONE.  ("THAT'S ALL RIGHT...I'LL JUST SIT HERE IN THE DARK...")
=HOW MANY POLLOCKS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
JUST ONE, BUT YOU NEED 6000 RUSSIAN TROOPS IN CASE HE GOES ON STRIKE!
=HOW MANY MARXISTS DOES IT TAKE TO SCREW IN A LIGHT BULB?
NONE:  THE LIGHT BULB CONTAINS THE SEEDS OF ITS OWN REVOLUTION.
=HOW MANY STRAIGHT SAN FRANCISCANS DOES IT TAKE TO SCREW IN A
LIGHT BULB?
BOTH OF THEM.
=HOW MANY CARL SAGANS DOES IT TAKE TO SCREW IN A LIGHT BULB?
BILLIONS AND BILLIONS.
=HOW MANY SURREALISTS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
TWO, ONE TO HOLD THE GIRAFFE, AND THE OTHER TO FILL THE BATHTUB
WITH BRIGHTLY COLORED MACHINE TOOLS.
=HOW MANY ZEN MONKS DOES IT TAKE TO SCREW IN A LIGHTBULB?
A TREE IN A GOLDEN FOREST!
=HOW MANY SURREALISTS DOES IT TAKE TO SCREW IN A LIGHTBULB?
FISH -- POTATO.
=HOW MANY PANCAKES DOES IT TAKE TO COVER A DOG?
FIFTEEN, BECAUSE FISH DON'T HAVE BONES!
=HOW MANY GAYS DOES IT TAKE TO SCREW IN A LIGHT BULB?
TWO.  ONE TO SCREW IT IN AND THE OTHER TO SAY "FABULOUS."
=HOW MANY PROFESSORS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
ONLY ONE, BUT THEY GET THREE TECH. REPORTS OUT OF IT.
=HOW MANY PEOPLE FROM NEW JERSEY DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
THREE.  ONE TO CHANGE THE LIGHT BULB, ONE TO BE A WITNESS, AND THE
THIRD TO SHOOT THE WITNESS.
=HOW MANY COPS DOES IT TAKE TO SCREW IN A LIGHT BULB?
NONE.  IT TURNED ITSELF IN.
=HOW MANY NUCLEAR ENGINEERS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
SEVEN.  ONE TO INSTALL THE NEW BULB AND SIX TO FIGURE OUT WHAT TO
DO WITH THE OLD ONE FOR THE NEXT 10,000 YEARS.
=HOW MANY FOOTBALL PLAYERS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
THE ENTIRE TEAM!  AND THEY ALL GET A SEMESTER'S CREDIT FOR IT!
=HOW MANY BREWERS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
ONE THIRD LESS THAN FOR A REGULAR BULB.
=HOW MANY HARVARD STUDENTS DOES IT TAKE TO SCREW IN A LIGHT BULB?
JUST ONE. HE HOLDS THE LIGHT BULB AND THE UNIVERSE REVOLVES AROUND HIM.
=HOW MANY EFFICIENCY EXPERTS DOES IT TAKE TO REPLACE A LIGHT BULB?
NONE.  EFFICIENCY EXPERTS REPLACE ONLY DARK BULBS.
=HOW MANY NECROPHILIACS DOES IT TAKE TO SCREW IN A LIGHT BULB?
NONE, NECROPHILIACS PREFER DEAD BULBS.
=HOW MANY GRADUATE STUDENTS DOES IT TAKE TO SCREW IN A LIGHT BULB?
ONLY ONE, BUT IT MAY TAKE UPWARDS OF FIVE YEARS FOR HIM TO GET IT DONE.
=HOW MANY CHRISTIANS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
THREE, BUT THEY'RE REALLY ONLY ONE.
=HOW MANY JUGGLERS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
ONE, BUT IT TAKES AT LEAST THREE LIGHT BULBS.
=HOW MANY FEMINISTS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
THAT'S NOT FUNNY!!!
THREE: ONE TO CHANGE IT,
ONE TO SUPPORT HER BY HOLDING THE LADDER,
ONE TO WRITE AN INDIGNANT ESSAY CONDEMNING THE USE OF THE WORD "SCREW".
=HOW MANY SUPPLY-SIDERS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
NONE.  THE DARKNESS WILL CAUSE THE LIGHT BULB TO CHANGE BY ITSELF.
=HOW MANY SUPPLY-SIDE ECONOMISTS DOES IT TAKE TO SCREW IN A LIGHT
BULB?
NONE. IF THE GOVERNMENT WOULD JUST LEAVE IT ALONE, IT WOULD SCREW
ITSELF IN.
=HOW MANY ZEN MASTERS DOES IT TAKE TO SCREW IN A LIGHT BULB?
TWO: ONE TO CHANGE THE BULB AND ONE NOT TO CHANGE IT.
=HOW MANY FOLK SINGERS DOES IT TAKE TO SCREW IN A LIGHT BULB?
TWO. ONE TO CHANGE THE BULB, AND ONE TO WRITE A SONG ABOUT HOW
GOOD THE OLD LIGHT BULB WAS.
=HOW MANY IBM TYPES DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
100. TEN TO DO IT, AND 90 TO WRITE DOCUMENT NUMBER GC7500439-0001,
MULTITASKING INCANDESCENT SOURCE SYSTEM FACILITY, OF WHICH 10% OF
THE PAGES STATE ONLY "THIS PAGE INTENTIONALLY LEFT BLANK", AND 20%
OF THE DEFINITIONS ARE OF THE FORM "A ...... CONSISTS OF SEQUENCES
OF NON-BLANK CHARACTERS SEPARATED BY BLANKS".
=HOW MANY THOUGHT POLICE DOES IT TAKE TO SCREW IN A LIGHT BULB?
NONE.  THERE NEVER *WAS* ANY LIGHT BULB.
=HOW MANY ACCOUNTANTS DOES IT TAKE TO SCREW IN A LIGHT BULB?
WHAT KIND OF ANSWER DID YOU HAVE IN MIND?
=HOW MANY BUREAUCRATS DOES IT TAKE TO SCREW IN A LIGHT BULB?
TWO.  ONE TO ASSURE THE EVERYTHING POSSIBLE IS BEING DONE WHILE
THE OTHER SCREWS THE BULB INTO THE WATER FAUCET.
=HOW MANY VULCANS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
"APPROXIMATELY 1.00000000000000000000000"
=HOW MANY ACTORS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
ONLY ONE. THEY DON'T LIKE TO SHARE THE SPOTLIGHT.
=HOW MANY CHRISTIAN SCIENTISTS DOES IT TAKE TO SCREW IN A LIGHT BULB?
NONE, BUT IT TAKES AT LEAST ONE TO SIT AND PRAY FOR THE OLD ONE TO GO
BACK ON.
=HOW MANY CHINESE RED GUARDS DOES IT TAKE TO SCREW IN A LIGHT BULB?
10,0000  - TO GIVE THE BULB A CULTURAL REVOLUTION.
=HOW MANY ROMAN CATHOLICS DOES IT TAKE TO SCREW IN A LIGHT BULB?
TWO, ONE TO SCREW IT IN, AND ANOTHER TO REPENT.
=HOW MANY SURVIVORS OF A NUCLEAR WAR DOES IT TAKE TO SCREW IN A
LIGHT BULB?
NONE; PEOPLE WHO GLOW IN THE DARK DON'T NEED LIGHT BULBS.
=HOW MANY LAWYERS DOES IT TAKE TO SCREW IN A LIGHT BULB?
HOW MANY CAN YOU AFFORD?

%% 200, 0, Politicians/Celebs
-POLITICIANS/CELEBS (33 JOKES)

=WHY IT IT UNLIKELY THAT RONALD REAGAN EVER SMOKED POT?
IT WOULD HAVE AFFECTED HIS MEMORY.
=WHAT IS RONALD REAGAN'S FAVORITE VEGETABLE?
JAMES BRADY.
=WHAT DID JAMES BRADY SAY ABOUT HIS JOB?
"I MUST HAVE HAD A HOLE IN MY HEAD TO TAKE IT, AND IF I HAD HALF
A BRAIN I'D LEAVE".
=WHY IS A POLITICIAN LIKE BULL SPERM?
ONLY ONE IN A THOUSAND WORKS.
=WHY SHOULD EVERY POLITICIAN HAVE A PIMP FOR A BROTHER?
SO HE HAS SOMEONE HE CAN LOOK UP TO.
=WHY ARE THEY SERVING PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY IN LITTLE ROCK THIS
THANKSGIVING?
BECAUSE THEY SENT THEIR TURKEY TO WASHINGTON!
=WHAT DID CLINTON SAY WHEN ASKED IF HE USED AN IBM PC OR A MACINTOSH?
"I USED MS-DOS ONCE... BUT I DIDN'T INHALE!"
=BUSH, CLINTON, AND PEROT RENTED A LIMO AND DROVE TO THE DEBATE.
ON THE WAY THE LIMO BROKE DOWN. THE DRIVER SAID "WHAT DO WE DO?"
PEROT SAID "LET'S FIX IT!"  BUSH SAID "BUT THERE IS NOTHING WRONG
WITH IT." AND CLINTON SAID "HECK, LET'S BUY A NEW ONE."
=DOES ANYONE KNOW WHY ROSS PEROT'S WIFE DOESN'T WANT HIM TO WIN THE
ELECTION?
SHE SAID THAT SHE DOESN'T RELISH THE IDEA OF HAVING TO MOVE INTO A
SMALLER HOUSE.
=WHY DOES DAN QUAYLE WAFFLE ON THE ABORTION ISSUE?
HE THINKS ROE VS. WADE ARE THE 2 WAYS TO CROSS THE POTOMAC.
=GEORGE BUSH AND DAN QUAYLE DECIDE TO TAKE A BREAK FROM THE CAMPAIGN
TRAIL TO GO FISHING.  SO THEY GET TOGETHER IN SECRET AND DRIVE OUT TO A
SECLUDED SPOT IN THE COUNTRY, RENT A RICKETY WOODEN BOAT FROM AN OLD
FISHERMAN WHO LIVES ON THE SHORE, AND ROW OUT TO THE MIDDLE OF THE LAKE.
IT DOESN'T TAKE LONG FOR THE TWO TO START FEELING TUGS AND NIBBLES AT
THE ENDS OF THEIR LINES AND BEFORE LONG THE DYNAMIC DUO ARE PULLING IN
LITERALLY DOZENS OF FISH.  "HOLY COW," GEORGE SAYS INCREDULOUSLY, "THIS
IS FISH CITY! DAN! BE SURE YOU REMEMBER WHERE THIS SPOT IS SO WE CAN
COME BACK AFTER THINGS SLOW DOWN IN NOVEMBER!"
DAN, ALWAYS THE QUICK WIT, FINDS A CAN OF SPRAY PAINT AMONG THE
SUPPLIES IN THE BOAT AND PAINTS A BID RED 'X' ACROSS THE WOODEN PLANKS
OF THE BOAT FLOOR.  GEORGE IS SO CAUGHT UP IN HIS OWN GOOD LUCK THAT HE
DOESN'T NOTICE AND JUST KEEPS ON REELING IN THE TROUT AND CATFISH.
MUCH LATER, WHEN THE TWO HAVE ALL THE FISH THEY CAN EAT UNTIL THE END
OF THE CAMPAIGN SEASON, THEY ROW BACK TO SHORE. GEORGE GETS OUT OF THE
BOAT, LOOKS DOWN AT DAN'S HANDIWORK, SLAPS HIS FOREHEAD AND SHAKES HIS
HEAD. "DAN, YOU IDIOT!  HOW DO YOU KNOW IF WE'LL GET THE SAME BOAT NEXT
TIME!?!?"
=WHERE DO CANTALOUPES GO FOR THE SUMMER?
JOHN COUGAR'S MELLENCAMP.
=WHAT DID ROBERT WAGNER SAY TO NATALIE WOOD THE NIGHT SHE DIED?
"OK HONEY, YOU CAN HAVE A DRINK, BUT DON'T GO OVERBOARD!"
=WHAT DO THE L.A. DODGERS HAVE IN COMMON WITH MICHAEL JACKSON?
THEY WEAR A GLOVE ON ONE HAND FOR NO APPARENT REASON.
=WHAT DO BILLY GRAHAM AND THE HOUSTON OILERS HAVE IN COMMON?
THEY BOTH CAN FILL UP THE ASTRODOME, AND IN FIFTEEN MINUTES, THEY
BOTH CAN HAVE THE CROWD YELLING JESUS CHRIST!
=WHAT WAS JOHN LENNON'S LAST HIT?
THE PAVEMENT.
=WHAT WAS GARY HART'S BIGGEST MISTAKE?
NOT HAVING TED KENNEDY DRIVE DONNA RICE HOME.
=WHAT WOULD JOHN F. KENNEDY BE DOING IF HE WERE ALIVE TODAY?
SCRATCHING ON THE LID OF HIS CASKET.
=HOW DID CAPT. HOOK DIE?
JOCK ITCH.
=WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN DAN QUAYLE AND JANE FONDA?
FONDA SPENT MORE TIME IN 'NAM.
=WHAT DID DAN QUAYLE SAY WHEN MARILYN QUAYLE BLEW IN HIS EAR?
THANKS FOR THE REFILL, HONEY!
=WHAT DOES BARBARA BUSH DO WITH HER OLD CLOTHES?
WEARS THEM.
=WHY DID GEORGE BUSH WIN THE ELECTION?
BECAUSE BARBARA'S PICTURE IS ON THE $1 BILL.
=WHY DID YOKO ONO CALL THE EXTERMINATOR?
SHE FOUND A DEAD BEATLE ON HER DOORSTEP.
=WHY DID MARIA SCHRIVER MARRY ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER?
THEY'RE TRYING TO BREED A BULLET-PROOF KENNEDY.
=YOU'VE HEARD OF ALZHEIMER'S DISEASE BUT DO YOU KNOW WHAT
WALDHEIMER'S DISEASE IS?
YOU FORGET THAT YOU USED TO BE A NAZI.
=DID YOU HEAR WHAT MICKEY MOUSE GOT FOR HIS 60TH BIRTHDAY?
A DAN QUAYLE WATCH.
=WHAT'S BIG, SAVAGE, AND GOES "SHHHHHHHHHHHHH".
CONAN THE LIBRARIAN.
=DID YOU HEAR THAT PRINCESS GRACE WAS ON THE RADIO?
...AND ON THE DASH BOARD, THE STEERING WHEEL, ETC.
=ON JESSE JACKSON'S RETURN TRIP, AS HE BROUGHT BACK ROBERT GOODMAN,
THE REPORTERS ASKED THE REV. HOW HE LIKED BEIRUT?  HE ANSWERED,
"WELL, OK, BUT I LIKE HANK AARON BETTER".
=AS YOU ALL KNOW, (I HOPE) FRANK LLOYD WRIGHT IS KNOWN FOR BEING
ONE OF AMERICA'S MOST A FAMOUS ARCHITECTS.
WHENEVER HE WAS ASKED WHAT HE DID FOR A LIVING, HE ALWAYS REPLIED
SOMETHING VERY MODEST, SUCH AS "I DESIGN BUILDINGS".  IT WAS HIS
BELIEF THAT THE TITLE ARCHITECT WAS A TITLE THAT YOU COULD NOT GIVE
YOURSELF.  OTHERS HAD TO SEE YOUR WORK AND APPRECIATE IT, AND IF THEY
BESTOWED THE TITLE OF ARCHITECT UPON YOU, WELL THAT WAS A GREAT HONOR.
MR. WRIGHT MADE AN APPEARANCE IN COURT ONE DAY AS AN EXPERT WITNESS.
THE LEAD COUNSEL ASKED HIM TO STATE HIS OCCUPATION.  HE SAID "I AM THE
MOST FAMOUS ARCHITECT IN THE UNITED STATES."
AFTER COURT THAT DAY AN ONLOOKER AND FAN APPROCHED MR. WRIGHT AND SAID,
"I  WAS VERY SURPRISED WHEN YOU SAID YOU WERE THE MOST FAMOUS ARCHITECT
IN THE UNITED STATES."
MR. WRIGHT REPLIED, "I WAS UNDER OATH!"
=RON REAGAN, GEORGE BUSH, AND SLICK WILLY WERE ALL GOING HUNTING
TOGETHER.  AFTER THEY SET UP CAMP REAGAN SAID,"I'M GOING OUT TO GET
A DEER." IN A LITTLE WHILE HE CAME BACK WITH A PRETTY NICE BUCK. THE
SLICK ONE ASK, "DUHHH, HOW DID YOU GET THAT?" RON SAID, "WELL I SAW
SOME TRACKS.  I FOLLOWED THE TRACKS.  I LOOKED AROUND AND SHOT THE
DEER." BUSH SAID, "I GUESS IT'S MY TURN." HE WENT OUT AND IN A LITTLE
WHILE HE RETURNED WITH A DOE. SLICKSTER ASKED, "HOW DID YOU GET THAT?"
BUSH SAID, "I SAW SOME TRACKS. I FOLLOWED THE TRACKS. I LOOKED AROUND
AND SHOT THE DOE." BILL PROUDLY PROCLAIMED THAT IT WAS NOW HIS TURN AND
HE WALKED OUT INTO THE WOODS. HE RETURNED SOME TIME LATER  DRAGGING
HIMSELF ALONG THE GROUND. HE WAS BANGED AND BRUISED AND IN PRETTY BAD
SHAPE. THE TWO FORMER PRESIDENTS RUSHED TO HIS AID AND ASKED WHAT HAD
HAPPENED TO HIM. HIS REPLY WAS, "WELL I DID LIKE YA'ALL AND I SAW SOME
TRACKS. I FOLLOWED THOSE TRACKS. I LOOKED AROUND AND THEN I GOT RUN
OVER BY THE TRAIN."

%% 200, 0, Mother-In-Law
=THE DEFINITION OF MIXED EMOTIONS?
WHEN YOU SEE YOUR MOTHER-IN-LAW BACKING OFF A CLIFF IN YOUR
BRAND-NEW MERCEDES.

%% 200, 0, Lawyer - Pt. 1
-LAWYER PT. 1 (27 JOKES)

=IN ALL THE WORLD THERE ARE ONLY FOUR LAWYER JOKES.
ALL THE REST OF THEM ARE NO JOKE: THEY'RE TRUE.
=WHEN THERE IS ONLY ONE LAWYER IN TOWN, HE STARVES.  WHEN THERE ARE TWO
LAWYERS IN TOWN, BOTH MAKE A GOOD LIVING. (HERBERGER'S LAW OF LAWYERS)
=WHEN A CASE IS WON THE LAWYER TELLS HIS CLIENT "WE HAVE WON".  WHEN A
CASE IS LOST HE TELLS THE CLIENT "YOU HAVE LOST".
=WHAT'S BLACK AND BROWN AND LOOKS GOOD ON A LAWYER?
A DOBERMAN PINSCHER.
=WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A DEAD LAWYER ON THE HIGHWAY AND A
DEAD SNAKE ON THE HIGHWAY?
THERE ARE SKID MARKS IN FRONT OF THE SNAKE.
=WHY DID A LAWYER CROSS A RIVER FULL OF PIRANHAS AND NOT GET BITTEN?
PROFESSIONAL COURTESY.
=WHY WON'T A RATTLESNAKE BITE A LAWYER?
DITTO.
=WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A LAWYER AND A BARRACUDA?
A BARRACUDA CAN'T GET HIS FIN IN YOUR POCKET.
=WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A LAWYER AND A TRAMPOLINE?
YOU HAVE TO TAKE YOUR SHOES OFF TO JUMP ON THE TRAMPOLINE.
=WHAT DO YOU CALL 6 LAWYERS BURIED UP TO THEIR NECKS IN QUICKSAND?
HALF-COVERED.
=A GRAVEDIGGER WAS PASSING A GRAVE MARKED "HERE LIES A LAWYER AND AN
HONEST MAN".  "TOO BAD I RAN OUT OF GRAVES," HE THOUGHT TO HIMSELF.
=WHY DO THEY BURY LAWYERS 10 FT. INSTEAD OF 6 FT. DEEP?
BECAUSE DEEP DOWN THEY ARE NICE.
=AT A BBQ HELD AT THE HOME OF A RICH ATTORNEY FOR HIS LAWYER FRIENDS,
THE WAITER ANNOUNCED, "COUNSELORS, YOU MAY APPROACH THE BEANS!"
=HOW MANY LAWYERS DOES IT TAKE TO SCREW IN A LIGHTBULB?
HOW MANY CAN YOU AFFORD?
=WHY IS IT THAT SO MANY LAWYERS HAVE BROKEN NOSES?
FROM CHASING PARKED AMBULANCES.
=WHERE CAN YOU FIND A GOOD LAWYER?
IN THE CEMETERY.
=WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A LAWYER AND A GIGOLO?
A GIGOLO ONLY SCREWS ONE PERSON AT A TIME.
=WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A LAWYER AND A VAMPIRE?
THE VAMPIRE ONLY SUCKS BLOOD AT NIGHT, AND ONLY WHEN HE NEEDS IT.
=WHY DID JOHNNY TELL HIS TEACHER THAT HIS DADDY PLAYED PIANO IN
A WHOREHOUSE?
HIS DAD COULDN'T BRING HIMSELF TO TELL HIM HE WAS A LAWYER.
=WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN AN ANGRY ROOSTER AND A LAWYER?
IN THE MORNING A ROOSTER GETS UP AND CLUCKS DEFIANCE.
=WHY DOES A LAWYER GET BETTER ACCOMODATIONS IN HEAVEN THEN A POPE?
BECAUSE THERE'S A LOT OF POPES IN HEAVEN, BUT ONLY ONE LAWYER.
=HOW DO YOU SAVE A DROWNING LAWYER?
THROW HIM A ROCK.
=A LAWYER WAS HUNTING WITH A CZECH FRIEND WHEN THE CZECH WAS
SUDDENLY EATEN BY A BEAR.  HE RAN AND RETURNED WITH THE SHERIFF.
NOW THE BEAR HAD A MATE, AND THE SHERIFF ASKED HIM WHICH OF THE
BEARS ATE HIS FRIEND.  "THAT ONE!" SAID THE LAWYER, POINTING TO
THE MALE BEAR.  THE SHERIFF THEN QUIETLY TOOK AIM AT
THE FEMALE BEAR AND SHOT HER.  "WHY DID YOU DO THAT?" YELLED THE
ANGRY LAWYER.
"WOULD YOU BELIEVE A LAWYER WHO SAID THE CZECH WAS IN THE MALE?"
=WHY DIDN'T SAINT PETER SUE LUCIFER WHEN THE FENCE BETWEEN HEAVEN AND
HELL WAS IN DISREPAIR?
BECAUSE HE COULDN'T FIND A LAWYER.
="I'LL NEVER DISCUSS MY LAWYER'S CHARACTER IN HIS ABSENCE, SO
LET'S DISCUSS HIS ABSENCE OF CHARACTER!" -- MICHAEL LARA
=ONE DAY A LAWYER WAS DUCK HUNTING AND SHOT A DUCK WHICH FELL IN A
FARMER'S FIELD.  AS THE LAWYER CAME TO GET THE DUCK THE FARMER
INTERCEPTED HIM AND CLAIMED IT OUGHT TO BE HIS BECAUSE IT LANDED
ON HIS PROPERTY.  "I'LL TELL YOU WHAT," SAID THE LAWYER, "WE'LL TAKE
TURNS KICKING EACH OTHER IN THE GROIN TO SEE WHO KEEPS THE DUCK."
THE FARMER AGREED, AND WENT FIRST, KICKING THE LAWYER SO HARD IT
TOOK HIM TEN MINUTES TO RECOVER FROM THE AGONY. THEN THE FARMER TOLD
THE LAWYER, "GO AHEAD, YOU KEEP THE DUCK."
=THERE WAS A LAWYER ON TRIAL FOR NECROPHILIA, OR MAKING AMOROUS MOVES
ON A DEAD BODY.  THE LAWYER'S DEFENSE WAS THAT HE THOUGHT SHE WAS A
LAWYER TOO.

%% 200, 0, Lawyer - Pt. 2
-LAWYER PT. 2 (34 JOKES)

=A MAN WENT INTO A STORE AND BOUGHT A BRASS RAT.  AS HE LEFT THE STORE
A HERD OF REAL RATS BEGAN FOLLOWING HIM, ALL THE WAY TO THE DOCKS,
WHERE HE THREW IT IN THE WATER AND ALL THE RATS FOLLOWED, DROWNING.
RETURNING TO THE STORE HE INFORMED THE OWNER OF THE STRANGE OCCURRENCE.
"I NEED A BRASS LAWYER", THE STORE OWNER TOLD HIM.
=A DRUNK WAS SITTING AT A BAR EXAMINING SOMETHING HELD IN HIS FINGERS.
A LAWYER WAS SITTING NEXT TO HIM, AND GOT CURIOUS ENOUGH TO ASK WHAT IT
WAS. "WELL," SAID THE DRUNK, "IT LOOKS LIKE PLASTIC AND FEELS LIKE
RUBBER."  "LET ME HAVE IT," SAID THE LAWYER.  TAKING IT, HE BEGAN TO
ROLL IT BETWEEN HIS THUMB AND FOREFINGER, EXAMINING IT CLOSELY.
"YES," HE FINALLY SAID, "IT DOES LOOK LIKE PLASTIC AND FEEL LIKE
RUBBER, BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS.  WHERE DID YOU GET IT?"  "FROM
MY NOSE," THE DRUNK REPLIED.
=WHY DO LAWYERS WEAR TIES?
TO KEEP THE FORESKIN FROM SLIPPING UP!
=WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A LAWYER AND A DUCK AND A GOOSE?
YOU CAN'T STICK A DUCK'S BILL UP ITS REAR END (A GOOSE CAN).
=A LAWYER AND A DOCTOR WERE SITTING IN A BAR WHEN A GOOD-LOOKING
WOMAN WALKED BY.  "I'D REALLY LIKE TO SCREW HER" SAID THE DOCTOR.
"OUT OF WHAT?" THE LAWYER ASKED.
=WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN LAWYERS AND VULTURES?
LAWYERS ACCUMULATE FREQUENT-FLIER POINTS.
=DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE SCIENTIST WHO WAS EXPERIMENTING WITH RATS?
HE SWITCHED TO LAWYERS SO HE WOULDN'T FORM AN EMOTIONAL ATTACHMENT.
=HOW CAN YOU TELL WHEN A LAWYER IS LYING?
HIS LIPS ARE MOVING.
=HOW DO YOU SAVE A LAWYER FROM DROWNING?
WHO WOULD WANT TO?
=THE PREDOMINANT METHOD OF BIRTH CONTROL USED BY FEMALE LAWYERS?
THEIR PERSONALITY.
=AN ENGINEER, A PHYSICIST, AND A LAWYER WERE BEING INTERVIEWED FOR
A POSITION AS CHIEF EXECUTIVE OFFICER OF A LARGE CORPORATION.  THE
ENGINEER WAS INTERVIEWED FIRST, AND WAS ASKED A LONG LIST OF
QUESTIONS, ENDING WITH  "HOW MUCH IS TWO PLUS TWO?"  THE ENGINEER
EXCUSED HIMSELF, AND MADE A SERIES OF MEASUREMENTS AND CALCULATIONS
BEFORE RETURNING TO THE BOARD ROOM AND ANNOUNCING, "FOUR".  THE
PHYSICIST WAS NEXT INTERVIEWED, AND WAS ASKED THE SAME QUESTIONS.
BEFORE ANSWERING THE LAST QUESTION, HE EXCUSED HIMSELF, MADE FOR
THE LIBRARY, AND DID A GREAT DEAL OF RESEARCH. AFTER A CONSULTATION
WITH THE UNITED STATES BUREAU OF STANDARDS AND MANY CALCULATIONS,
HE ALSO ANNOUNCED FOUR.  THE LAWYER WAS INTERVIEWED LAST, AND WAS
ASKED THE SAME QUESTIONS. AT THE END OF HIS INTERVIEW, BEFORE
ANSWERING THE LAST QUESTION, HE DREW ALL THE SHADES IN THE ROOM,
LOOKED OUTSIDE THE DOOR TO SEE IF ANYONE WAS THERE, CHECKED THE
TELEPHONE FOR LISTENING DEVICES, AND ASKED, "HOW MUCH DO YOU WANT
IT TO BE?
"FOLLOWING A DISTINGUISHED LEGAL CAREER, A MAN ARRIVED AT THE GATES
OF HEAVEN, ACCOMPANIED BY THE POPE, WHO HAD THE MISFORTUNE TO EXPIRE
ON THE SAME DAY.  THE POPE WAS GREETED FIRST BY ST. PETER, WHO ESCORTED
HIM TO HIS QUARTERS. THE ROOM WAS SOMEWHAT SHABBY AND SMALL, SIMILAR
TO THAT FOUND IN A LOW-GRADE MOTEL 6 TYPE ESTABLISHMENT. THE LAWYER WAS
THEN TAKEN TO HIS ROOM, WHICH WAS A PALATIAL SUITE INCLUDING A PRIVATE
SWIMMING POOL, A GARDEN, AND A TERRACE OVERLOOKING THE GATES. THE
ATTORNEY WAS SOMEWHAT TAKEN ABACK, AND TOLD ST. PETER, "I'M REALLY
QUITE SURPRISED AT THESE ROOMS, SEEING AS HOW THE POPE WAS GIVEN
SUCH SMALL ACCOMMODATIONS."  ST. PETER REPLIED,  "WE HAVE OVER A
HUNDRED POPES HERE, AND WE'RE REALLY VERY BORED WITH THEM. WE'VE
NEVER HAD A LAWYER."
=HOW DO YOU SAVE FIVE DROWNING LAWYERS?
SILENCE.
=WHAT DO YOU GET IF YOU SEND THE GODFATHER TO LAW SCHOOL?
AN OFFER YOU CAN'T UNDERSTAND.
=HOW DO YOU GET AN ATTORNEY OUT OF A TREE?
CUT THE ROPE.
=AS MR. SMITH WAS ON HIS DEATH BED, HE ATTEMPTED TO FORMULATE A PLAN
THAT WOULD ALLOW HIM TO TAKE AT LEAST SOME OF HIS CONSIDERABLE WEALTH
WITH HIM. HE CALLED FOR THE THREE MEN HE TRUSTED MOST - HIS LAWYER,
HIS DOCTOR, AND HIS CLERGYMAN. HE TOLD THEM, "I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU
EACH $30,000 IN CASH BEFORE I DIE.  AT MY FUNERAL, I WANT YOU TO
PLACE THE MONEY IN MY COFFIN SO THAT I CAN TRY TO TAKE IT WITH ME."
ALL THREE AGREED TO DO THIS AND WERE GIVEN THE MONEY. AT THE FUNERAL,
EACH APPROACHED THE COFFIN IN TURN AND PLACED AN ENVELOPE INSIDE.
WHILE RIDING IN THE LIMOUSINE TO THE CEMETERY, THE CLERGYMAN SAID
"I HAVE TO CONFESS SOMETHING TO YOU FELLOWS.  BROTHER SMITH WAS A
GOOD CHURCHMAN ALL HIS LIFE, AND I KNOW HE WOULD HAVE WANTED ME TO
DO THIS. THE CHURCH NEEDED A NEW BAPTISTERY VERY BADLY, AND I TOOK
$10,000 OF THE MONEY HE GAVE ME AND BOUGHT ONE. I ONLY PUT $20,000
IN THE COFFIN."  THE PHYSICIAN THEN SAID, "WELL, SINCE WE'RE
CONFIDING IN ONE ANOTHER, I MIGHT AS WELL TELL YOU THAT I DIDN'T
PUT THE FULL $30,000 IN THE COFFIN EITHER.  SMITH HAD A DISEASE THAT
COULD HAVE BEEN DIAGNOSED SOONER IF I HAD THIS VERY NEW MACHINE, BUT
THE MACHINE COST $20,000 AND I COULDN'T AFFORD IT THEN.  I USED
$20,000 OF THE MONEY TO BUY THE MACHINE SO THAT I MIGHT BE ABLE TO
SAVE ANOTHER PATIENT. I KNOW THAT SMITH WOULD HAVE WANTED ME TO DO
THAT."  THE LAWYER THEN SAID, "I'M ASHAMED OF BOTH OF YOU.  WHEN I
PUT MY ENVELOPE INTO THAT COFFIN, IT HELD MY PERSONAL CHECK FOR THE
FULL $30,000."
=A MAN WOKE UP IN A HOSPITAL BED AND CALLED FOR HIS DOCTOR. HE
ASKED, "GIVE IT TO ME STRAIGHT.  HOW LONG HAVE I GOT?"  THE
PHYSICIAN REPLIED THAT HE DOUBTED THAT HIS PATIENT WOULD SURVIVE
THE NIGHT. THE MAN THEN SAID "CALL FOR MY LAWYER."  WHEN THE
LAWYER ARRIVED, THE MAN ASKED FOR HIS PHYSICIAN TO STAND ON ONE
SIDE OF THE BED, WHILE THE LAWYER STOOD ON THE OTHER. THE MAN THEN
LAID BACK AND CLOSED HIS EYES.  WHEN HE REMAINED SILENT FOR SEVERAL
MINUTES, THE PHYSICIAN ASKED WHAT HE HAD IN MIND. THE MAN REPLIED,
"JESUS DIED WITH A THIEF ON EITHER SIDE, AND I THOUGHT I'D CHECK
OUT THE SAME WAY."
= WHAT DO YOU GET IF YOU SEND A PROSTITUTE TO LAW SCHOOL?
A F***ING KNOW-IT-ALL.
=WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A PORCUPINE AND TWO LAWYERS IN A
PORSCHE?
THE PORCUPINE HAS THE PRICKS ON THE OUTSIDE.
=WHY IS BEING A LAWYER THE OPPOSITE OF HAVING SEX?
BECAUSE IT'S ALL BAD AND SOME IS WORSE.
=A DOCTOR, AN ARCHITECT, AND AN ATTORNEY WERE DINING AT THE COUNTRY
CLUB ONE DAY, AND THE CONVERSATION TURNED TO THE SUBJECT OF THEIR
RESPECTIVE DOGS, WHICH WERE APPARENTLY QUITE EXTRAORDINARY.  A WAGER
WAS PLACED ON WHO HAD THE MOST INTELLIGENT DOG. THE PHYSICIAN OFFERED
TO SHOW HIS DOG FIRST, AND CALLED TO THE PARKING LOT, "HIPPOCRATES,
COME!"  HIPPOCRATES RAN IN, AND WAS TOLD BY THE DOCTOR TO DO HIS
STUFF.  HIPPOCRATES RAN TO THE GOLF COURSE AND DUG FOR A WHILE,
PRODUCING A NUMBER OF BONES. HE DRAGGED THE BONES INTO THE COUNTRY
CLUB, AND ASSEMBLED THEM INTO A COMPLETE, FULLY ARTICULATED HUMAN
SKELETON. THE PHYSICIAN PATTED HIPPOCRATES ON THE HEAD, AND GAVE
HIM A COOKIE FOR HIS EFFORTS. THE ARCHITECT WAS ONLY MARGINALLY
IMPRESSED, AND CALLED FOR HIS DOG, "SLIDE RULE, COME!"  SLIDE RULE
RAN IN, AND WAS TOLD TO DO HIS STUFF. THE DOG IMMEDIATELY CHEWED
THE SKELETON TO RUBBLE, BUT REASSEMBLED THE FRAGMENTS INTO A SCALE
MODEL OF THE TAJ MAHAL.  THE ARCHITECT PATTED HIS DOG AND GAVE HIM
A COOKIE. THE ATTORNEY WATCHED THE OTHER TWO DOGS, AND CALLED,
"BULLSHIT, COME!"  BULLSHIT ENTERED AND WAS TOLD TO DO HIS STUFF.
BULLSHIT IMMEDIATELY SODOMIZED THE OTHER TWO DOGS, STOLE THEIR
COOKIES, AUCTIONED THE TAJ MAHAL REPLICA TO THE OTHER CLUB MEMBERS
FOR HIS FEE, AND WENT OUTSIDE TO PLAY GOLF.
=A BUSLOAD OF LAWYERS RAN OFF A CLIFF. THE BUS WAS DESTROYED AND
THERE WERE NO SURVIVORS. BAD NEWS: THERE WERE THREE EMPTY SEATS.
=WHEN A PERSON ASSISTS A CRIMINAL IN BREAKING THE LAW BEFORE THE
CRIMINAL GETS ARRESTED, WE CALL HIM AN ACCOMPLICE.  WHEN A PERSON
ASSISTS A CRIMINAL IN BREAKING THE LAW AFTER THE CRIMINAL GETS
ARRESTED, WE CALL HIM A DEFENSE LAWYER.
=A PROMINENT YOUNG ATTORNEY WAS ON HIS WAY TO COURT TO BEGIN ARGUMENTS
ON A COMPLEX LAWSUIT WHEN HE SUDDENLY FOUND HIMSELF AT THE GATES OF
HEAVEN.  ST. PETER STARTED TO ESCORT HIM INSIDE, WHEN HE BEGAN TO
PROTEST THAT HIS UNTIMELY DEATH HAD TO BE SOME SORT OF MISTAKE.
"I'M MUCH TOO YOUNG TO DIE! I'M ONLY 35!"  ST. PETER AGREED THAT 35
DID SEEM TO BE A BIT YOUNG TO BE ENTERING THE PEARLY GATES, AND AGREED
TO CHECK ON HIS CASE. WHEN ST. PETER RETURNED, HE TOLD THE ATTORNEY,
"I'M AFRAID THAT THE MISTAKE MUST BE YOURS, MY SON. WE VERIFIED YOUR
AGE ON THE BASIS OF THE NUMBER OF HOURS YOU'VE BILLED TO YOUR CLIENTS,
AND YOU'RE AT LEAST 108."
=A SNAKE AND A RABBIT WERE RACING ALONG A PAIR OF INTERSECTING
FOREST PATHWAYS ONE DAY, WHEN THEY COLLIDED AT THE POINT WHERE THE
PATHWAYS MEET. THEY IMMEDIATELY BEGAN TO ARGUE WITH ONE ANOTHER AS
TO WHO WAS AT FAULT FOR THE MISHAP. WHEN THE SNAKE REMARKED THAT HE
HAD BEEN BLIND SINCE BIRTH, AND THUS SHOULD BE GIVEN ADDITIONAL LEEWAY,
THE RABBIT SAID THAT HE, TOO, HAD BEEN BLIND SINCE BIRTH. THE TWO
ANIMALS THEN FORGOT ABOUT THE COLLISION AND BEGAN COMMISERATING
CONCERNING THE PROBLEMS OF BEING BLIND. THE SNAKE SAID THAT HIS
GREATEST REGRET WAS THE LOSS OF HIS IDENTITY. HE HAD NEVER BEEN ABLE
TO SEE HIS REFLECTION IN WATER, AND FOR THAT REASON DID NOT KNOW
EXACTLY WHAT HE LOOKED LIKE, OR EVEN WHAT HE WAS. THE RABBIT DECLARED
THAT HE HAD THE SAME PROBLEM.  SEEING A WAY THAT THEY COULD HELP EACH
OTHER, THE RABBIT PROPOSED THAT ONE FEEL THE OTHER FROM HEAD TO TOE,
AND THEN TRY TO DESCRIBE WHAT THE OTHER ANIMAL WAS. THE SNAKE AGREED,
AND STARTED BY WINDING HIMSELF AROUND THE RABBIT. AFTER A FEW MOMENTS,
HE ANNOUNCED, "YOU'VE GOT VERY SOFT, FUZZY FUR, LONG EARS, BIG REAR
FEET, AND A LITTLE FUZZY BALL FOR A TAIL. I THINK THAT YOU MUST BE A
BUNNY RABBIT!" THE RABBIT WAS MUCH RELIEVED TO FIND HIS IDENTITY, AND
PROCEEDED TO RETURN THE FAVOR TO THE SNAKE. AFTER FEELING ABOUT THE
SNAKE'S BODY FOR A FEW MINUTES, HE ASSERTED, "WELL, YOU'RE SCALY,
YOU'RE SLIMY, YOU'VE GOT BEADY LITTLE EYES, YOU SQUIRM AND SLITHER
ALL THE TIME, AND YOU'VE GOT A FORKED TONGUE. I THINK YOU'RE A LAWYER!"
=A MAN WENT INTO THE CHAMBER OF COMMERCE OF A SMALL TOWN, OBVIOUSLY
DESPERATE. HE ASKED THE MAN AT THE COUNTER, "IS THERE A CRIMINAL
ATTORNEY IN TOWN?"  THE MAN REPLIED, "YES, BUT WE CAN'T PROVE IT YET."
=A POLICE CHIEF, A FIRE CHIEF, AND A CITY ATTORNEY WERE TRAVELING
TOGETHER BY CAR TO A MUNICIPAL MANAGEMENT CONFERENCE IN A DISTANT
CITY. THEIR CAR BROKE DOWN IN A RURAL AREA, AND THEY WERE FORCED
TO SEEK SHELTER FOR THE NIGHT AT A NEARBY FARMHOUSE. THE FARMER
WELCOMED THEM IN, BUT CAUTIONED THEM THAT THERE WERE ONLY TWO SPARE
BEDS, AND THAT ONE OF THEM WOULD HAVE TO SLEEP IN THE BARN WITH THE
FARM ANIMALS. AFTER A SHORT CONFERENCE, THE POLICE CHIEF AGREED TO
TAKE THE BARN. SHORTLY AFTER RETIRING, A KNOCK WAS HEARD ON THE DOOR
OF THE FARMHOUSE. THE PARTY INSIDE ANSWERED TO FIND THE POLICE CHIEF
STANDING THERE, COMPLAINING THAT HE COULD NOT SLEEP. THERE WERE PIGS
IN THE BARN, HE SAID, AND HE WAS REMINDED OF THE DAYS WHEN EVERYONE
CALLED HIM A PIG. THE FIRE CHIEF THEN VOLUNTEERED TO EXCHANGE WITH
THE POLICE CHIEF. A SHORT TIME LATER, ANOTHER KNOCK WAS HEARD AT THE
DOOR. THE FIRE CHIEF COMPLAINED THAT THE COWS IN THE BARN REMINDED
HIM OF MRS. O'LEARY'S COW THAT STARTED THE CHICAGO FIRE, AND THAT
EVERY TIME HE STARTED TO GO TO SLEEP, HE STARTED TO HAVE A FIREMAN'S
WORST NIGHTMARE, THAT OF BURNING TO DEATH. THE CITY ATTORNEY, IN
DESPERATION FOR SLEEP, THEN AGREED TO SLEEP IN THE BARN. THIS SEEMED
LIKE A GOOD IDEA UNTIL A FEW MINUTES LATER, WHEN ANOTHER KNOCK WAS
HEARD AT THE DOOR. WHEN THE OCCUPANTS ANSWERED THE DOOR, THERE STOOD
THE VERY INDIGNANT COWS AND PIGS.
=A WOMAN WENT TO HER DOCTOR FOR ADVICE. SHE TOLD THE PHYSICIAN THAT
HER HUSBAND HAD DEVELOPED A PENCHANT FOR ANAL SEX, AND SHE WAS NOT
SURE THAT IT WAS SUCH A GOOD IDEA. THE DOCTOR ASKED, "DO YOU ENJOY
IT?"  SHE SAID THAT SHE DID. HE ASKED, "DOES IT HURT YOU?"  SHE SAID
THAT IT DIDN'T. THE DOCTOR THEN TOLD HER, "WELL, THEN, THERE'S NO
REASON THAT YOU SHOULDN'T PRACTICE ANAL SEX, IF THAT'S WHAT YOU LIKE,
SO LONG AS YOU TAKE CARE NOT TO GET PREGNANT."  THE WOMAN WAS
MYSTIFIED. SHE ASKED "YOU CAN GET PREGNANT FROM ANAL SEX?" THE
DOCTOR REPLIED, "OF COURSE.  WHERE DO YOU THINK ATTORNEYS COME FROM?"
=AN ATTORNEY WAS SITTING IN HIS OFFICE LATE ONE NIGHT, WHEN SATAN
APPEARED BEFORE HIM. THE DEVIL TOLD THE LAWYER, "I HAVE A
PROPOSITION FOR YOU. YOU CAN WIN EVERY CASE YOU TRY, FOR THE REST
OF YOUR LIFE. YOUR CLIENTS WILL ADORE YOU, YOUR COLLEAGUES WILL
STAND IN AWE OF YOU, AND YOU WILL MAKE EMBARRASSING SUMS OF MONEY.
ALL I WANT IN EXCHANGE IS YOUR SOUL, YOUR WIFE'S SOUL, YOUR
CHILDREN'S SOULS, THE SOULS OF YOUR PARENTS, GRANDPARENTS, AND
PARENTS-IN-LAW, AND THE SOULS OF ALL YOUR FRIENDS AND LAW PARTNERS".
THE LAWYER THOUGHT ABOUT THIS FOR A MOMENT, THEN ASKED, "SO,
WHAT'S THE CATCH?"
=IT WAS SO COLD LAST WEEK THAT I SAW SEVERAL ATTORNEYS WITH THEIR
HANDS IN THEIR OWN POCKETS.
=WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN FEMALE PROSECUTORS AND TERRORISTS?
YOU CAN NEGOTIATE WITH TERRORISTS.
=A WOMAN WROTE TO DEAR ABBY: I HAVE A DILEMMA. I AM ABOUT TO GET
MARRIED, BUT I HAVEN'T BEEN TOTALLY HONEST WITH MY FIANCE. MY
MOTHER IS A WELL-KNOWN MADAM, MY FATHER IS A CONVICT, AND MY
BROTHER IS A LAWYER.  MY SISTER SELLS HEROIN TO THE CHILDREN AT THE
SCHOOL DOWN THE STREET.  SHE STARTED DOING THAT AFTER MY FATHER GOT
SENT TO PRISON FOR MOLESTING HER.  I ALSO HAVE A PROBLEM: I'M
WANTED IN THREE STATES FOR EMBEZZLEMENT.  TAKING ALL THAT INTO
CONSIDERATION, THIS IS MY QUESTION: HOW DO I TELL MY FIANCE ABOUT
MY BROTHER THE LAWYER?"
=A HITCHHIKER IS STANDING ON THE ROADSIDE NEAR THE LAW SCHOOL WITH
HIS THUMB OUT. A MOTORIST STOPS, AND ASKS, "ARE YOU A LAWYER?"
HE TELLS HIM THAT HE IS NOT.  THE MOTORIST DRIVES OFF.  A SECOND
MOTORIST STOPS AND ASKS, "ARE YOU A LAWYER?" HE AGAIN REPLIES
THAT HE IS NOT.  THE MOTORIST DRIVES OFF.  A THIRD MOTORIST, THIS
TIME A STRIKING, VOLUPTUOUS BLONDE, STOPS, AND ASKS, "ARE YOU A
LAWYER?"  THE HITCHHIKER SAYS THAT HE IS.  THE GIRL TELLS HIM TO
GET IN, AND OFF THEY GO. AFTER A FEW MINUTES OF ADMIRING THE
DRIVER, THE HITCHHIKER EXCLAIMS, "THIS IS REALLY SOMETHING.  I'VE
ONLY BEEN A LAWYER FOR FIVE MINUTES, AND ALREADY I'M THINKING ABOUT
SCREWING SOMEBODY!"
=WHY DOES CALIFORNIA HAVE THE MOST LAWYERS, AND NEW JERSEY THE
MOST TOXIC WASTE DUMPS?
NEW JERSEY GOT FIRST PICK.
=IT SEEMED THAT THE SON OF A SPANISH LAWYER GRADUATED FROM
COLLEGE AND WAS CONSIDERING THE FUTURE. HE WENT TO HIS FATHER,
WHO HAD A VERY LARGE OFFICE, AND ASKED IF HE MIGHT BE GIVEN A
DESK IN THE CORNER WHERE HE COULD OBSERVE HIS FATHER'S
ACTIVITIES. HE COULD BE INTRODUCED TO HIS FATHER'S CLIENTS AS A
CLERK. THIS WAY, HE COULD DECIDE ON WHETHER OR NOT TO BECOME A
LAWYER. HIS FATHER THOUGHT THIS TO BE A SPLENDID IDEA, AND THIS
ARRANGEMENT WAS SET UP IMMEDIATELY. ON HIS SON'S FIRST DAY AT WORK,
THE FIRST CLIENT IN THE MORNING WAS A ROUGH-HEWN MAN WITH CALLOUSED
HANDS, IN WORKMAN'S ATTIRE, WHO BEGAN THE CONVERSATION AS FOLLOWS:
"MR. LAWYER, I WORK FOR SOME PEOPLE NAMED GONZALES WHO HAVE A RANCH
ON THE EAST SIDE OF TOWN. FOR MANY YEARS I HAVE TENDED THEIR CROPS
AND ANIMALS, INCLUDING SOME COWS. I HAVE RAISED, THE COWS, TENDED
THEM, FED THEM, AND IT HAS ALWAYS BEEN MY UNDERSTANDING AND BELIEF
THAT I WAS THE OWNER OF THE COWS. MR. GONZALES DIED AND HIS SON HAS
INHERITED THE FARM, AND HE BELIEVES THAT SINCE THE COWS WERE RAISED
ON HIS RANCH AND FED ON HIS HAY, THE COWS ARE HIS. IN SHORT, WE HAVE
A DISPUTE AS TO THE OWNERSHIP OF THE COWS."  THE LAWYER SAID, "I
HAVE HEARD ENOUGH. I WILL TAKE YOUR CASE. DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE COWS!"
AFTER THE TENANT FARMER LEFT, THE NEXT CLIENT CAME IN. A YOUNG,
WELL-DRESSED MAN, CLEARLY A MEMBER OF THE LANDED CLASS. "MY NAME IS
GONZALES. I OWN A FARM ON THE EAST SIDE OF THE TOWN," HE SAID.
"FOR MANY YEARS, A TENANT FARMER HAS WORKED FOR MY FAMILY TENDING
THE CROPS AND ANIMALS, INCLUDING SOME COWS. THE COWS HAVE BEEN RAISED
ON MY LAND AND FED ON MY HAY, AND I BELIEVE THAT THEY BELONG TO ME,
BUT THE TENANT FARMER BELIEVES THAT SINCE HE RAISED THEM AND CARED
FOR THEM, THEY ARE HIS.  IN SHORT, WE HAVE A DISPUTE OVER OWNERSHIP
OF THE COWS."  "I HEARD ENOUGH. I'LL TAKE YOUR CASE. DON'T WORRY
ABOUT THE COWS!"  AFTER THE CLIENT LEFT, THE SON CAME OVER TO HIS
FATHER WITH A LOOK OF CONCERN.  "MY FATHER, I KNOW NOTHING OF THE
LAW, BUT IT SEEMS TO ME THAT WE HAVE A SERIOUS PROBLEM REGARDING
THESE COWS."  "DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE COWS!"  SAID THE LAWYER.
"THE COWS WILL BE OURS!"

%% 200, 0, Lawyer - Pt. 3
-LAWYER PT. 3 (33 JOKES)

=WHY DON'T LAWYERS LIKE TO GO TO THE BEACH?
BECAUSE CATS KEEP TRYING TO BURY THEM.
=UPON SEEING AN ELDERLY LADY FOR THE DRAFTING OF HER WILL, THE
ATTORNEY CHARGED HER $100.  SHE GAVE HIM A $100 BILL, NOT
NOTICING THAT IT WAS STUCK TO ANOTHER $100 BILL.  ON SEEING THE
TWO BILLS STUCK TOGETHER, THE ETHICAL QUESTION CAME TO THE
ATTORNEY'S MIND: "DO I TELL MY PARTNER?"
=A LAWYER HAD A JURY TRIAL IN A VERY DIFFICULT BUSINESS CASE. THE
CLIENT WHO HAD ATTENDED THE TRIAL WAS OUT OF TOWN WHEN THE JURY
CAME BACK WITH ITS DECISION, WHICH WAS FOR THE LAWYER AND HIS CLIENT.
THE LAWYER IMMEDIATELY SENT A TELEGRAM TO HIS CLIENT, READING
"JUSTICE HAS TRIUMPHED!" THE CLIENT WIRED BACK, "APPEAL AT ONCE!"
=A MAN WAS SENT TO HELL FOR HIS SINS. AS HE WAS BEING TAKEN TO HIS
PLACE OF ETERNAL TORMENT, HE SAW A LAWYER MAKING PASSIONATE LOVE
TO A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN. "WHAT A RIPOFF," THE MAN MUTTERED.  "I HAVE
TO ROAST FOR ALL ETERNITY, AND THAT LAWYER GETS TO SPEND IT WITH A
BEAUTIFUL WOMAN."  JABBING THE MAN WITH HIS PITCHFORK, THE ESCORTING
DEMON SNARLED, "WHO ARE YOU TO QUESTION THAT WOMAN'S PUNISHMENT?"
=A LAWYER WAS ASKED IF HE WOULD LIKE TO BECOME A JEHOVAH'S
WITNESS.  HE DECLINED, AS HE HADN'T SEEN THE ACCIDENT, BUT
WOULD STILL BE INTERESTED IN TAKING THE CASE IF ANYBODY HAD
INSURANCE.
=THE REASON THAT THERE IS A PENALTY FOR LAUGHING IN COURT IS
THAT OTHERWISE THE JURY WOULD NEVER BE ABLE TO HEAR THE EVIDENCE.
=A JURY IS A COLLECTION OF PEOPLE BANDED TOGETHER TO DECIDE WHO
HIRED THE BETTER LAWYER.
=APPLYING FOR A JOB, A NEW LAWYER WAS ASKED IF PAYING BACK HIS
LAW SCHOOL TUITION WOULD BE ANY SPECIAL PROBLEM.  HE REPLIED THAT
HE PAID IT BACK RIGHT AFTER HIS FIRST CASE.  WHEN ASKED HOW HE
MANAGED THAT, HE SAID, "WELL, MY DAD SUED ME FOR IT AND WON."
=A MAN TOOK A TRIP OUT WEST AFTER A HARROWING DIVORCE PROCEEDING.
HE STOPPED IN A BAR, AND AFTER A FEW DRINKS, STATED TO NO ONE IN
PARTICULAR, "LAWYERS ARE HORSES' ASSES."  ONE OF THE LOCALS SPOKE
UP ON HEARING THIS: "MISTER, WATCH WHAT YOU SAY. YOU'RE IN HORSE
COUNTRY."
=THE LAWYER WANDERED HOME AT 3 AM. HIS WIFE BECAME VERY UPSET,
TELLING HIM, "YOU'RE LATE! YOU SAID YOU'D BE HOME BY 11:45!"
THE LAWYER REPLIED, "I'M RIGHT ON TIME. I SAID I'D BE HOME BY
A QUARTER OF TWELVE."
=DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE LAWYER WHO STEPPED IN COW DUNG, AND THOUGHT
THAT HE WAS MELTING?
=A PHYSICIAN, AN ENGINEER, AND AN ATTORNEY WERE DISCUSSING WHO
AMONG THEM BELONGED TO THE OLDEST OF THE THREE PROFESSIONS
REPRESENTED. THE PHYSICIAN SAID, "REMEMBER THAT, ON THE SIXTH
DAY, GOD TOOK A RIB FROM ADAM AND FASHIONED EVE, MAKING HIM THE
FIRST SURGEON. THEREFORE, MEDICINE IS THE OLDEST PROFESSION."
THE ENGINEER REPLIED, "BUT, BEFORE THAT, GOD CREATED THE HEAVENS
AND EARTH FROM CHAOS AND CONFUSION, AND THUS HE WAS THE FIRST
ENGINEER. THEREFORE, ENGINEERING IS AN OLDER PROFESSION THAN
MEDICINE." THEN, THE LAWYER SPOKE UP, "YES, BUT WHO DO YOU THINK
CREATED ALL OF THE CHAOS AND CONFUSION?"
=LORENZO DOW, AN EVANGELIST OF THE LAST CENTURY, WAS ON A
PREACHING TOUR WHEN HE CAME TO A SMALL TOWN ONE COLD WINTER'S
NIGHT.  HE ENTERED THE LOCAL GENERAL STORE TO GET SOME WARMTH,
AND SAW THE TOWN'S LAWYERS GATHERED AROUND THE POT-BELLIED STOVE,
DISCUSSING THE TOWN'S BUSINESS.  NOT ONE OFFERED TO ALLOW DOW INTO
THE CIRCLE.  DOW TOLD THE MEN WHO HE WAS, AND THAT HE HAD
RECENTLY HAD A VISION WHERE HE HAD BEEN GIVEN A TOUR OF HELL,
MUCH LIKE THE TRAVELER IN DANTE'S INFERNO.  WHEN ONE OF THE LAWYERS
ASKED HIM WHAT HE HAD SEEN, HE REPLIED, "VERY MUCH WHAT I SEE HERE:
ALL OF THE LAWYERS, GATHERED IN THE HOTTEST PLACE."
=A YOUNG LAWYER, STARTING UP HIS PRIVATE PRACTICE, WAS VERY
ANXIOUS TO IMPRESS POTENTIAL CLIENTS. WHEN HE SAW THE FIRST VISITOR
TO HIS OFFICE COME THROUGH THE DOOR, HE IMMEDIATELY PICKED UP HIS
PHONE AND SPOKE INTO IT, "I'M SORRY, BUT MY CASELOAD IS SO
TREMENDOUS THAT I'M NOT GOING TO BE ABLE TO LOOK INTO YOUR PROBLEM
FOR AT LEAST A MONTH.  I'LL HAVE TO GET BACK TO YOU THEN."  HE THEN
TURNED TO THE MAN WHO HAD JUST WALKED IN, AND SAID, "NOW, WHAT CAN
I DO FOR YOU?"  "NOTHING," REPLIED THE MAN. "I'M HERE TO HOOK UP
YOUR PHONE."
=LAWYERS ARE SAFE FROM THE THREAT OF AUTOMATION TAKING OVER THEIR
PROFESSIONS.  NO ONE WOULD BUILD A ROBOT TO DO NOTHING.
=THE TOOTH FAIRY, AN HONEST LAWYER, AND AN EXPENSIVE, DISHONEST
LAWYER ARE IN THE SAME ROOM.  THERE IS A $500 BILL ON A TABLE IN
THE ROOM.  WHEN THEY LEAVE, THE MONEY IS GONE.  WHO TOOK IT?
SINCE THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS THE TOOTH FAIRY OR AN HONEST
LAWYER, THE ANSWER IS OBVIOUS.
=A DOCTOR AND A LAWYER WERE ATTENDING A COCKTAIL PARTY WHEN THE
DOCTOR WAS APPROACHED BY A MAN WHO ASKED ADVICE ON HOW TO HANDLE
HIS ULCER.  THE DOCTOR MUMBLED SOME MEDICAL ADVICE, THEN TURNED TO
THE LAWYER AND REMARKED, "I NEVER KNOW HOW TO HANDLE THE SITUATION
WHEN I'M ASKED FOR MEDICAL ADVICE DURING A SOCIAL FUNCTION. IS IT
ACCEPTABLE TO SEND A BILL FOR SUCH ADVICE?  THE LAWYER REPLIED THAT
IT WAS CERTAINLY ACCEPTABLE TO DO SO.  SO, THE NEXT DAY, THE DOCTOR
SENT THE ULCER-STRICKEN MAN A BILL.  THE LAWYER ALSO SENT ONE TO
THE DOCTOR.
= WHAT DO YOU CALL PARACHUTING LAWYERS?
SKEET.
=TWO LAWYERS WERE WALKING ALONG THE BEACH, WHEN THEY SAW TWO
GORGEOUS GIRLS LYING IN THE SAND. ONE LAWYER SAID TO THE OTHER,
"HEY, LET'S GO OVER THERE AND SCREW THOSE TWO GIRLS."  THE OTHER
LAWYER REPLIED, "SURE. OUT OF WHAT?"
=WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN LAWYERS AND VULTURES?
ANSWER 1: VULTURES CAN'T TAKE THEIR WING TIPS OFF.
ANSWER 2: THE VULTURE EVENTUALLY LETS GO.
=WHAT SEPARATES POLICE OFFICERS FROM THE LOWEST FORM OF LIFE ON
THE EARTH?
IN THE COURTROOM, IT'S THE PARTITIONS AROUND THE WITNESS STAND.
=HOW DO YOU GREET A LAWYER WITH AN IQ OF 50?
"GOOD MORNING, YOUR HONOR."
=WHAT DO LAWYERS USE FOR BIRTH CONTROL?
THEIR PERSONALITIES.
=WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A LAWYER AND A BOXING REFEREE?
A BOXING REFEREE DOESN'T GET PAID MORE FOR A LONGER FIGHT.
=A LAWYER WAS DRIVING HIS BIG BMW DOWN THE HIGHWAY, SINGING TO
HIMSELF, "I LOVE MY BMW, I LOVE MY BMW."  FOCUSING ON HIS CAR,
NOT HIS DRIVING, HE SMASHED INTO A TREE.  HE MIRACULOUSLY SURVIVED,
BUT HIS CAR WAS TOTALED.  "MY BMW! MY BMW!" HE SOBBED. A GOOD
SAMARITAN DROVE BY AND CRIED OUT, "SIR, SIR, YOU'RE BLEEDING --
MY GOD, YOUR LEFT ARM IS GONE!" THE LAWYER, HORRIFIED, SCREAMED,
"MY ROLEX! MY ROLEX!"
=A MAN SAT DOWN AT A BAR, LOOKED INTO HIS SHIRT POCKET, AND
ORDERED A DOUBLE SCOTCH.  A FEW MINUTES LATER, THE MAN AGAIN
PEEKED INTO HIS POCKET AND ORDERED ANOTHER DOUBLE.  THIS
ROUTINE WAS FOLLOWED FOR SOME TIME, UNTIL AFTER LOOKING INTO
HIS POCKET, HE TOLD THE BARTENDER THAT HE'S HAD ENOUGH. THE
BARTENDER SAID, "I'VE GOT TO ASK YOU -- WHAT'S WITH THE POCKET
BUSINESS?"  THE MAN REPLIED, "I HAVE MY LAWYER'S PICTURE IN
THERE. WHEN HE STARTS TO LOOK HONEST, I'VE HAD ENOUGH."
=HOW WAS COPPER WIRE INVENTED?
TWO LAWYERS ARGUING OVER A PENNY.
=A BAR ASSOCIATION CHARTER FLIGHT WAS HIJACKED BY TERRORISTS.
WHEN THE TERRORISTS MADE THEIR PRESS RELEASE, THEY SAID THAT,
UNTIL THEIR DEMANDS WERE MET, THEY WOULD RELEASE ONE LAWYER PER HOUR.
=A MAN WANTED VERY BADLY TO SEE A BROADWAY PLAY, BUT IT TOOK
A YEAR TO GET TICKETS.  HE PUT IN HIS ORDER AND WAITED. FINALLY,
THE BIG DAY CAME AND HE WENT OFF TO THE THEATRE.  WHEN HE SAT
DOWN, HE SAW A MAN IN THE SEAT IN FRONT OF HIM, WITH AN EMPTY
SEAT ADJACENT.  IN CONVERSATION, HE LEARNED THAT THE MAN WAS AN
ATTORNEY, AND THAT HE HAD PURCHASED THE OTHER SEAT FOR HIS WIFE,
WHO WAS UNABLE TO COME AT THE LAST MOMENT.  THE ASTONISHED MAN
ASKED THE LAWYER WHY HE WOULD LET SUCH A VALUABLE COMMODITY GO
TO WASTE, NOT GIVING IT TO A FRIEND OR RELATIVE WHO WANTED TO COME
TO THE PLAY.  THE LAWYER REPLIED, "YES, SEVERAL OF THOSE WANTED TO
COME, BUT THEY'RE ALL AT MY WIFE'S FUNERAL."
=LAWYER: SOMEONE WHO MAKES SURE THAT HE GETS WHAT'S COMING TO YOU.
=WHAT DO YOU GET IF YOU BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF A LAWYER?
AN EMPTY SUIT.
=THERE'S AN INTERESTING NEW NOVEL ABOUT TWO EX-CONVICTS.
ONE OF THEM STUDIES TO BECOME A LAWYER, THE OTHER DECIDES
TO GO STRAIGHT.
=FOUR OUT OF FIVE DOCTORS SAY THAT IF THEY WERE STRANDED ON
A DESERTED ISLAND WITH NO LAWYERS, THEY WOULDN'T NEED ANY ASPIRIN.

%% 200, 0, Lawyer - Pt. 4
-LAWYER PT. 4 (33 JOKES)

=A LAWYER DISCUSSING TRIAL STRATEGY WITH HIS PARTNER SAID,
"WHEN I ADDRESS THE JURY, I'LL PLEAD FOR CLEMENCY."  "NOTHING
DOING!" SHOUTED HIS PARTNER.  "LET CLEMENCY GET HIS OWN LAWYER!"
=WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A POISONOUS SNAKE AND A LAWYER?
YOU CAN MAKE A PET OUT OF THE SNAKE.
=WHAT DO LAWYERS AND BULLFROGS HAVE IN COMMON?
BOTH HAVE A BIG HEAD THAT CONSISTS MOSTLY OF MOUTH.
=WHY SHOULD LAWYERS ALWAYS BE BURIED FACE DOWN?
IF THEY WAKE UP, THEY'LL START DIGGING.
=WHILE DRIVING DOWN A DESERT HIGHWAY, YOU SEE SADDAM HUSSEIN ON
ONE SIDE OF THE ROAD, AND A LAWYER ON THE OTHER. WHICH DO YOU HIT
FIRST?
HUSSEIN. BUSINESS BEFORE PLEASURE.
=THE TWO PARTNERS IN A LAW FIRM WERE HAVING LUNCH WHEN SUDDENLY ONE
OF THEM JUMPED UP AND SAID, "I HAVE TO GO BACK TO THE OFFICE -- I
FORGOT TO LOCK THE SAFE!"  THE OTHER PARTNER REPLIED, "WHAT ARE YOU
WORRIED ABOUT?  WE'RE BOTH HERE."
=WHY IS IT DANGEROUS FOR LAWYERS TO WALK ONTO A CONSTRUCTION SITE
WHEN PLUMBERS ARE WORKING?
THE PLUMBERS MIGHT CONNECT THE DRAIN LINE TO THE WRONG SUER.
=A MAN WENT TO A BRAIN SURGEON TO REQUEST A BRAIN TRANSPLANT.
HE NOTED PRICES WERE DIFFERENT FOR BRAINS AVAILABLE FROM VARIOUS
DONORS.  A DOCTOR'S BRAIN WAS $500, A BANKER'S BRAIN WAS $1500,
AND A SCIENTIST'S BRAIN WAS $2500.  THEN, HE NOTICED IN A FAR
RECESS OF THE SHELF, A JAR MARKED WITH A PRICE TAG OF $50,000.
WHEN HE INQUIRED ABOUT THE UNUSUALLY HIGH PRICE, HE WAS TOLD,
"OH, THAT'S A LAWYER'S BRAIN -- IT'S NEVER BEEN USED.  BESIDES,
DO YOU REALIZE HOW MANY LAWYERS IT TAKES TO MAKE A WHOLE BRAIN?"
=TWO BOYS WERE WALKING IN THE WOODS WHEN ONE BOY SPIED A NUT ON
THE GROUND.  WHEN THE OTHER BOY PICKED IT UP, THEY STARTED TO
ARGUE.  ONE BOY SAID, "THE NUT IS MINE, I SAW IT FIRST."  THE
OTHER BOY SAID, "THE NUT IS MINE, I HAVE IT IN MY POSSESSION."
THEY WERE JUST ABOUT TO FIGHT WHEN, LUCKILY, ALONG CAME A LAWYER.
THE BOYS APPEALED TO THE LAWYER TO ADJUDICATE THEIR DISPUTE. THE
LAWYER THANKED THE BOYS FOR THE OPPORTUNITY AND SAID, "I WILL
SETTLE YOUR DISPUTE THIS WAY.  BECAUSE YOU SAW THE NUT FIRST,
I WILL GIVE YOU THIS HALF.  BECAUSE YOU HAD THE NUT IN YOUR
POSSESSION, I WILL GIVE YOU THIS HALF.  AND, FOR MY FEE, I'LL KEEP
THE MEAT."
=A MAN WENT TO A LAWYER FOR A DEFENSE AFTER HE HAD BEEN CAUGHT
EMBEZZLING MILLIONS FROM HIS EMPLOYER.  HE WAS CONCERNED ABOUT
GOING TO JAIL, BUT WAS TOLD BY THE ATTORNEY, "DON'T WORRY  --
YOU'LL NEVER GO TO JAIL WITH ALL THAT MONEY."  THE LAWYER WAS
RIGHT.  WHEN THE MAN WENT TO PRISON, HE DIDN'T HAVE A DIME.
=WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A LAWYER AND A FOOTBALL?
YOU GET ONLY THREE POINTS FOR KICKING A FOOTBALL BETWEEN THE UPRIGHTS.
=TWO TIGERS ARE WALKING ALONG A JUNGLE TRAIL IN SINGLE FILE.
THE REARMOST TIGER WANDERS OFF THE TRAIL FOR A FEW MINUTES, THEN
REAPPEARS SHORTLY THEREAFTER.   A FEW MOMENTS LATER, THE FRONT
TIGER FEELS WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE OTHER TIGER'S TONGUE, APPLIED
JUST BELOW HIS TAIL.  THE TIGER DISAPPROVES OF THIS ACTION, BUT
DOESN'T WANT TO START ANYTHING BY BRINGING IT UP.  THEN, THE
TIGER AGAIN FEELS THE TONGUE, AGAIN IN THE SAME PLACE.  HE
DECIDES TO CONFRONT THE AFTER TIGER, AND ASKS HIM, "DID YOU JUST
LICK ME TWICE IN THE BUTT?"  THE OTHER TIGER REPLIED: "YEAH,
SORRY ABOUT THAT.  I JUST ATE A LAWYER AND I WAS TRYING TO
GET THE TASTE OUT OF MY MOUTH."
=WHY ARE THERE SO MANY LAWYERS?
NO ONE WOULD STAND IN LINE TO SEE ONE.
=THREE SURGEONS WERE DISCUSSING THEIR FAVORITE TYPE OF PATIENTS.
THE FIRST SAID: "I LIKE ARTISTS.  WHEN YOU CUT THEM OPEN, THEY
ARE AWASH WITH COLOR INSIDE."  THE SECOND DOCTOR SAID, "I MUCH
PREFER ENGINEERS.  WHEN YOU CUT THEM OPEN, EVERYTHING IS ORDERLY
AND NUMBERED."  "NONSENSE," SAID THE THIRD DOCTOR.  "THE EASIEST
ARE ATTORNEYS.  THEY HAVE ONLY TWO PARTS -- THEIR MOUTHS AND THEIR
REARS --AND THOSE ARE INTERCHANGEABLE."
=WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BASEBALL AND LAW?
IN BASEBALL, IF YOU'RE CAUGHT STEALING, YOU'RE OUT.
="YOU'RE A CHEAT! SHOUTED THE LAWYER'S CLIENT.  "YOU'RE A
SCOUNDREL!  YOU'VE KEPT ME HANGING FOR MONTHS AND GOT RICH
ON MY CASE ALONE!"  "THAT'S GRATITUDE," SAID THE OFFENDED LAWYER.
"AND RIGHT AFTER I NAMED MY NEW YACHT AFTER YOU."
=WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A LAWYER AND A LEECH?
A LEECH WILL DROP OFF WHEN ITS VICTIM DIES.
=AFTER YEARS OF HARD WORK, JOE TOOK HIS FIRST VACATION ON A
LUXURY CRUISE SHIP. IN A DECK CHAIR, HE RECOGNIZED A FORMER
HIGH SCHOOL CLASSMATE, A LONG-LOST FRIEND FROM HIS OLD HOMETOWN.
HE CROSSED THE DECK, SEIZED HIS FRIEND'S HAND, AND SAID, "HELLO,
PETE.  I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU IN YEARS.  WHAT ARE YOU DOING THESE
DAYS?"  "I'M PRACTICING LAW," WHISPERED PETE.  "BUT DON'T TELL
MY MOTHER.  SHE THINKS I'M STILL A PIMP."
=WHAT DO YOU GET IF YOU CROSS A LAWYER WITH A DRUNK PIG?
NOTHING. THERE ARE SOME THINGS EVEN A DRUNK PIG WON'T DO.
=HAVE YOU HEARD OF THE CAR THAT RUNS ON METHANE GAS FROM CHICKEN
SHIT?  THEY HAVE MADE IT INTO A PERPETUAL MOTION MACHINE BY
GIVING FREE RIDES TO LAWYERS.
=A FARMER HAD JUST BOUGHT THE BEST USED CAR HE COULD AFFORD,
AND HE WAS DRIVING IT HOME.  ONE OF THE TOWN'S LAWYERS WAS
HITCHING A RIDE BY THE SIDE OF THE ROAD WHERE HIS BMW HAD
BROKEN DOWN.  THE FARMER PICKED HIM UP.  BEING HIS USUAL
DEGRADING SELF, THE LAWYER ASKED THE FARMER, "HOW DO YOU LIKE
THIS NEW MANURE SPREADER YOU GOT HERE?"  THE FARMER REPLIED,
"DON'T KNOW YET. YOU'RE THE FIRST LOAD I'VE HAULED."
=IF BUILDERS BUILT BUILDINGS THE WAY LAWYERS WRITE LAWS, THE
FIRST WOODPECKER TO COME ALONG WOULD DESTROY CIVILIZATION.
=WHAT DO LAWYERS AND SPERM HAVE IN COMMON?
THEY'RE BOTH SQUIRMY, BOTH LIVE IN SLIME, AND ONLY ONE IN
250 MILLION ACCOMPLISHES ANYTHING WORTHWHILE.
=TWO DOCTORS WERE DISCUSSING A CASE IN THE PSYCH WARD.  THE
FIRST DOC ASKED WHAT HAD TRIGGERED SUCH A PROFOUND DEPRESSIVE
PSYCHOSIS IN THE PATIENT.  THE SECOND ONE ANSWERED, "HE'S A
LAWYER.  ONE DAY AT HOME, HE STARTED TO THINK ABOUT HOW MUCH
MONEY HE'D SCREWED HIS PARTNERS AND CLIENTS OUT OF OVER THE LAST
FEW YEARS.  HE LAUGHED SO HARD HE DEFECATED IN HIS PANTS.  WHEN
HE SMELLED THE FOUL ODOR HE HAD CREATED, HE CHECKED FOR THE SOURCE.
FINDING HIS TROUSERS FULL OF THE STUFF, HE THOUGHT HE WAS LEAKING.
THIS CAUSED HIM TO GO INTO SHOCK AND FAINT.  WHEN HE WOKE UP, HE
FOUND HE HAD FALLEN ON HIS ARM, BREAKING IT."  THE FIRST DOC
ASKED, "HE WENT MAD BECAUSE HE BROKE AN ARM?"  THE SECOND MEDICO
ANSWERED, "NO, HE WENT MAD BECAUSE HE COULDN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO
SUE HIMSELF!"
=WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A FLEA AND A LAWYER?
ONE IS A PARASITE THAT SUCKS THE LIVING BLOOD OUT OF YOU AND
IS LINKED WITH THE BLACK DEATH.  THE OTHER IS A SMALL INSECT.
=A FELLOW WALKS INTO A BAR WITH A TEN-INCH, SCOWLING MAN ON HIS
SHOULDER.  HE ORDERS A DRINK. THE LITTLE MAN JUMPS OFF THE
SHOULDER, DRINKS A THIRD OF THE DRINK AND CLIMBS BACK UP. THE
FELLOW THEN ORDERS A SANDWICH. THE LITTLE MAN LIKEWISE DEVOURS A THIRD
OF THE SANDWICH.  AFTER THIS GOES ON FOR TWO MORE DRINKS, THE
BARTENDER SAYS, "HEY BUDDY, I DON'T USUALLY PRY INTO CUSTOMERS'
PRIVATE AFFAIRS, BUT WHAT THE HECK IS IT WITH THAT LITTLE GUY?"
THE CUSTOMER REPLIES, WELL, I FOUND A BOTTLE ON THE BEACH.  WHEN I
UNCORKED IT, OUT POPPED A GENIE.  HE GAVE ME ONE WISH. I ASKED
FOR A 10-INCH PRICK, AND THE GENIE SHRUNK MY LAWYER!"
=HOW DOES A PREGNANT WOMAN KNOW THAT SHE IS CARRYING A FUTURE
LAWYER?
SHE HAS AN EXTREME CRAVING FOR BALONEY.
=WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A LIBRARIAN WITH A LAWYER?
ALL THE INFORMATION YOU NEED -- BUT YOU CAN'T UNDERSTAND A WORD OF IT.
=DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE NEW SUSHI BAR THAT CATERS EXCLUSIVELY
TO LAWYERS?
IT'S CALLED SOSUMI.
=A DOCTOR WAS VACATIONING AT THE SEASHORE WITH HIS FAMILY.
SUDDENLY, HE SPOTTED A FIN STICKING UP IN THE WATER AND FAINTED.
"DARLING, IT WAS JUST A SHARK," ASSURED HIS WIFE WHEN HE CAME TO.
"YOU'VE GOT TO STOP IMAGINING THAT THERE ARE LAWYERS EVERYWHERE."
=A QUOTE ATTRIBUTED TO ONE OF AMERICA'S FOUNDERS, JOHN ADAMS, IN
THE PLAY 1776: "I HAVE COME TO THE CONCLUSION THAT ONE USELESS MAN
IS CALLED A DISGRACE, TWO MEN ARE CALLED A LAW FIRM, AND THREE OR
MORE BECOME A CONGRESS."
="THESE TWO GUYS, GEORGE AND HARRY, SET OUT IN A HOT AIR BALLOON TO
CROSS THE ATLANTIC OCEAN.  AFTER 37 HOURS IN THE AIR, GEORGE SAYS,
"HARRY, WE BETTER LOSE SOME ALTITUDE SO WE CAN SEE WHERE WE ARE".
HARRY LETS OUT SOME OF THE HOT AIR IN THE BALLOON, AND THE BALLOON
DESCENDS TO BELOW THE CLOUD COVER.  GEORGE SAYS, "I STILL CAN'T TELL
WHERE WE ARE, LETS ASK THAT GUY ON THE GROUND".  SO, HARRY YELLS DOWN
TO THE MAN "HEY, COULD YOU TELL US WHERE WE ARE?"  AND THE MAN ON THE
GROUND YELLS BACK "YOU'RE IN A BALLOON, 100 FEET UP IN THE AIR".
GEORGE TURNS TO HARRY AND SAYS "THAT MAN MUST BE A LAWYER."  HARRY
SAYS, "HOW CAN YOU TELL?".  GEORGE SAYS, "BECAUSE THE ADVICE HE GAVE
US IS 100% ACCURATE, AND TOTALLY USELESS".
="FOR THREE YEARS, THE YOUNG ATTORNEY HAD BEEN TAKING HIS BRIEF
VACATIONS AT THIS COUNTRY INN.  THE LAST TIME HE'D FINALLY MANAGED
AN AFFAIR WITH THE INNKEEPER'S DAUGHTER.  LOOKING FORWARD TO AN
EXCITING FEW DAYS, HE DRAGGED HIS SUITCASE UP THE STAIRS OF THE
INN, THEN STOPPED SHORT.  THERE SAT HIS LOVER WITH AN INFANT ON
HER LAP!  "HELEN, WHY DIDN'T YOU WRITE WHEN YOU LEARNED YOU WERE
PREGNANT?" HE CRIED.  "I WOULD HAVE RUSHED UP HERE, WE COULD HAVE
GOTTEN MARRIED, AND THE BABY WOULD HAVE MY NAME!"  "WELL," SHE
SAID, "WHEN MY FOLKS FOUND OUT ABOUT MY CONDITION, WE SAT UP ALL
NIGHT TALKIN' AND TALKIN' AND DECIDED IT WOULD BE BETTER TO HAVE AN
ILLEGITIMATE GRANDCHILD IN THE FAMILY THAN A LAWYER."

%% 200, 0, Lawyer - Pt. 5
-LAWYER PT. 5 (30 JOKES)

=WHY DO LAWYERS DISPLAY A COPY OF THEIR BAR ASSOCIATION CARDS
ON THEIR DASHBOARDS?
SO THEY CAN PARK IN HANDICAPPED ZONES.
=A CERTAIN LAWYER WAS QUITE WEALTHY AND HAD A SUMMER HOUSE IN
THE COUNTRY, TO WHICH HE RETREATED FOR SEVERAL WEEKS OF THE YEAR.
EACH SUMMER, THE LAWYER WOULD INVITE A DIFFERENT FRIEND OF HIS TO
SPEND A WEEK OR TWO UP AT THIS PLACE, WHICH HAPPENED TO BE IN
A BACKWOODS SECTION OF MAINE.  ON ONE PARTICULAR OCCASION, HE
INVITED A CZECHOSLOVAKIAN FRIEND TO STAY WITH HIM.  THE FRIEND,
EAGER TO GET A FREEBIE OFF A LAWYER, AGREED.  WELL, THEY HAD A
SPLENDID TIME IN THE COUNTRY, RISING EARLY AND LIVING IN THE GREAT
OUTDOORS.  EARLY ONE MORNING, THE LAWYER AND HIS CZECHOSLOVAKIAN
COMPANION WENT OUT TO PICK BERRIES FOR THEIR MORNING BREAKFAST.
AS THEY WENT AROUND THE BERRY PATCH, GATHERING BLUEBERRIES AND
RASPBERRIES IN TREMENDOUS QUANTITIES, ALONG CAME TWO HUGE BEARS,
A MALE AND A FEMALE.  WELL, THE LAWYER, SEEING THE TWO BEARS,
IMMEDIATELY DASHED FOR COVER.  HIS FRIEND, THOUGH, WASN'T SO
LUCKY, AND THE MALE BEAR REACHED HIM AND SWALLOWED HIM WHOLE.
THE LAWYER RAN BACK TO HIS MERCEDES, TORE INTO TOWN AS FAST HAS HE
COULD, AND GOT THE LOCAL BACKWOODS SHERIFF.  THE SHERIFF GRABBED
HIS SHOTGUN AND DASHED BACK TO THE BERRY PATCH WITH THE LAWYER.
SURE ENOUGH, THE TWO BEARS WERE STILL THERE.  "HE'S IN THAT ONE!"
CRIED THE LAWYER, POINTING TO THE MALE, WHILE VISIONS OF LAWSUITS
FROM HIS FRIEND'S FAMILY DANCED IN HIS HEAD.  HE JUST HAD TO SAVE
HIS FRIEND.  THE SHERIFF LOOKED AT THE BEARS, AND WITHOUT BATTING
AN EYE, LEVELED HIS GUN, TOOK CAREFUL AIM, AND SHOT THE FEMALE.
"WHATDYA DO THAT FOR!" EXCLAIMED THE LAWYER, "I SAID HE WAS IN
THE OTHER!"  "EXACTLY," REPLIED THE SHERIFF, "AND WOULD YOU BELIEVE
A LAWYER WHO TOLD YOU THAT THE CZECH WAS IN THE MALE?"
="A RUSSIAN, A CUBAN, AN AMERICAN AND A LAWYER ARE IN A TRAIN.
THE RUSSIAN TAKES A BOTTLE OF THE BEST VODKA OUT OF HIS PACK,
POURS SOME INTO A GLASS, DRINKS IT, AND SAYS: "IN USSR, WE HAVE
THE BEST VODKA OF THE WORLD -- NOWHERE IN THE WORLD YOU CAN FIND
VODKA AS GOOD AS THE ONE WE PRODUCE IN THE UKRAINE.  AND WE HAVE
SO MUCH OF IT, THAT WE CAN JUST THROW IT AWAY..." SAYING THAT,
HE OPENS THE WINDOW AND THROWS THE REST OF THE BOTTLE THROUGH IT.
ALL THE OTHERS ARE QUITE IMPRESSED.  THE CUBAN TAKES A PACK OF
HAVANAS, TAKES ONE OF THEM, LIGHTS IT, AND BEGINS TO SMOKE IT,
SAYING: "IN CUBA, WE HAVE THE BEST CIGARS OF THE WORLD: HAVANAS,
NOWHERE IN THE WORLD THERE IS SO MANY AND SO GOOD CIGARS AND WE
HAVE SO MUCH OF THEM, THAT WE CAN JUST THROW THEM AWAY..."
SAYING THAT, HE THROWS THE PACK OF HAVANAS THROUGH THE WINDOW.
ONE MORE TIME, EVERYBODY IS QUITE IMPRESSED.  AT THIS TIME, THE
AMERICAN JUST STANDS UP, OPENS THE WINDOW, AND THROWS THE LAWYER
THROUGH IT.
=A LAWYER'S DOG, RUNNING ABOUT UNLEASHED, BEELINES FOR A
BUTCHER SHOP AND STEALS A ROAST.  THE BUTCHER GOES TO THE
LAWYER'S OFFICE AND ASKS, "IF A DOG RUNNING UNLEASHED STEALS
A PIECE OF MEAT FROM MY STORE, DO I HAVE A RIGHT TO DEMAND
PAYMENT FOR THE MEAT FROM THE DOG'S OWNER?" THE LAWYER ANSWERS,
"ABSOLUTELY."  "THEN YOU OWE ME $8.50.  YOUR DOG WAS LOOSE AND
STOLE A ROAST FROM ME TODAY."  THE LAWYER, WITHOUT A WORD,
WRITES THE BUTCHER A CHECK FOR $8.50.  SEVERAL PERIODS OF TIME
LATER (IT COULD BE THE NEXT DAY BUT THAT WOULD BE UNREALISTIC) THE
BUTCHER OPENS THE MAIL AND FINDS AN ENVELOPE FROM THE LAWYER: $200
DUE FOR A CONSULTATION.
=AN ELDERLY AND SOMEWHAT HARD-OF-HEARING MAN WAS SITTING IN
HIS ATTORNEY'S OFFICE AS HE WENT OVER HIS NEW WILL.  "YOUR
ESTATE IS VERY COMPLEX," SAID THE LAWYER, "BUT I'VE MADE SURE
THAT ALL OF YOUR WISHES WILL BE EXECUTED.  BECAUSE OF THE
COMPLEXITY OF YOUR CASE, MY FEE WILL BE $4500."  AT THAT POINT,
THE PHONE RANG AND THE LAWYER GOT INVOLVED WITH A LONG CALL.
THE CLIENT, THINKING THAT THE LAWYER HAD SAID "$500," WROTE OUT
A CHECK FOR THAT AMOUNT AND LEFT.  WHEN THE LAWYER SAW THE CHECK,
HE RAN OUT OF THE BUILDING, ONLY TO SEE THE CLIENT'S CAR
DISAPPEARING IN TRAFFIC.  "OH, WELL," THOUGHT THE LAWYER, "$500
FOR ONE HOUR'S WORK ISN'T BAD."
=SOME AMERICAN ACADEMICS, DISCUSSING THE SIX DAY WAR WITH AN
ISRAELI GENERAL, WERE EAGER TO KNOW HOW IT HAD ENDED SO QUICKLY.
THE GENERAL TOLD THEM, "WE HAD A CRACK REGIMENT AT THE MOST
SENSITIVE FRONT.  IT WAS MADE ENTIRELY OF LAWYERS AND ACCOUNTANTS.
WHEN THE TIME CAME TO CHARGE, BOY, DID THEY KNOW HOW TO CHARGE!"
=A LAWYER WAS FILLING OUT A JOB APPLICATION WHEN HE CAME TO THE
QUESTION, "HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ARRESTED?" HE ANSWERED, "NO."  THE
NEXT QUESTION, INTENDED FOR PEOPLE WHO HAD ANSWERED IN THE
AFFIRMATIVE TO THE LAST ONE, WAS "WHY?" THE LAWYER ANSWERED IT
ANYWAY: "NEVER GOT CAUGHT."
=TWO ATTORNEYS TOOK A LONG SAFARI VACATION IN THE AFRICAN BUSH.
ONE DAY, THEY TOOK A REST, REMOVED THEIR PACKS, AND LEANED
THEIR RIFLES AGAINST A TREE.  THEY WERE STARTLED WHEN A LARGE,
HUNGRY-LOOKING LION EMERGED FROM THE JUNGLE AND BEGAN EYEING
THEM WITH ANTICIPATION.  IT WAS CLEAR THAT THE ATTORNEYS'
RIFLES WERE TOO FAR AWAY TO DO THEM ANY GOOD.  ONE ATTORNEY
BEGAN TO REMOVE HIS SHOES, AND WAS ASKED BY THE OTHER WHY HE
WAS DOING THAT.  THE MAN REPLIED, "BECAUSE I CAN RUN FASTER
WITHOUT THEM."  THE FIRST LAWYER TOLD HIM, "I DON'T CARE HOW
FAST YOU CAN RUN, YOU'LL NEVER OUTRACE THAT LION."  THE
NOW-BAREFOOT ATTORNEY TOLD HIM, "I DON'T HAVE TO OUTRUN THE
LION. I JUST HAVE TO OUTRUN YOU."
=ONE MORNING AT THE LAW OFFICE, ONE ATTORNEY LOOKED AT THE
OTHER AND SAID, "WOW, YOU LOOK REALLY TERRIBLE THIS MORNING."
THE OTHER LAWYER REPLIED, "YEAH, I WOKE UP WITH A HEADACHE
THIS MORNING AND, NO MATTER WHAT I TRY, I CAN'T SEEM TO GET
RID OF IT."  THE FIRST LAWYER TOLD HIM, "WHENEVER I GET A
HEADACHE LIKE THAT, I TAKE A FEW HOURS OFF DURING THE DAY,
GO HOME, AND MAKE LOVE TO MY WIFE.  WORKS EVERY TIME FOR ME."
LATER THAT AFTERNOON, THE TWO LAWYERS MET AGAIN. THE FIRST
TOLD THE SECOND, "YOU KNOW, YOU LOOK 100% BETTER."  THE
SECOND REPLIED, "YEAH, THAT WAS GREAT ADVICE YOU GAVE ME.
YOU'VE GOT A BEAUTIFUL HOUSE, TOO."
=JACK AND MUGS, TWO SECOND-STORY MEN FROM FLATBUSH, WERE
COMPARING NOTES ON RECENT BURGLARIES.  "DIDJA GET ANYTHING
ON THAT LAST HEIST?" JACK ASKED.  "NUTTIN' AT ALL," MUGS
ADMITTED.  "TOINS OUT THAT THE GUY THAT LIVES THERE'S A
LAWYER."  "JEEZ, AIN'T THAT THE BREAKS," HIS FRIEND
SYMPATHIZED.  "DIDJA LOSE ANYTHING?"
=HAVE YOU SEEN THE CURRENT REMAKE OF THE MOVIE "CAPE FEAR?"
IT'S ABOUT A DERANGED PSYCHOTIC WHO IS SEEKING REVENGE AGAINST
A LAWYER.  THE QUESTION IS, WHILE WATCHING THE MOVIE, WHOM
DO YOU ROOT FOR?
=WHAT DO A BAKER AND AN ATTORNEY HAVE IN COMMON?
THEY BOTH ENJOY CARVING UP THE PIE.
=A DOCTOR TOLD HIS PATIENT THAT HIS TEST RESULTS INDICATED
THAT HE HAD A RARE, INCURABLE DISEASE AND THAT HE HAD ONLY
SIX MONTHS TO LIVE.  "ISN'T THERE ANYTHING I CAN DO?" THE
PATIENT ASKED.  "MARRY A LAWYER," ANSWERED THE DOCTOR.
"IT WILL BE THE LONGEST SIX MONTHS OF YOUR LIFE."
=ETERNITY: ONE LAWYER WAITING FOR THE OTHER.
=THERE IS A FINITE NUMBER OF PHYSICIANS THAT A POPULATION
OF FIXED SIZE WILL SUPPORT.  THE SAME THEORY HOLDS FOR
TEACHERS AND ENGINEERS.  HOWEVER, THIS PRINCIPLE DOES
NOT SEEM TO APPLY TO LAWYERS.  THE MORE YOU HAVE, THE
MORE YOU NEED.
=YOU ARE IN A ROOM WITH MUSSOLINI, HITLER, AND THE
LAWYER OF YOUR CHOICE.  YOU HAVE A GUN, BUT ONLY TWO
BULLETS. WHICH DO YOU SHOOT?
THE LAWYER, TWICE.
=WHAT DID THE POST OFFICE HAVE TO RECALL ITS SERIES OF
STAMPS DEPICTING FAMOUS LAWYERS?
PEOPLE WERE CONFUSED ABOUT WHICH SIDE TO SPIT ON.
=SHE: YOU JUST DON'T CARE ANYMORE!  HE: YOU'RE JUST UPSET.
WHY DON'T I BUY YOU SOMETHING TO MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER?
SHE: LIKE WHAT?  HE: HOW ABOUT A TRIP TO EUROPE?  SHE: NO.
HE: WHAT ABOUT A NEW JAGUAR?  SHE: NO.  HE: WELL, WHAT DO
YOU WANT?  SHE: A DIVORCE.  HE: I WASN'T PLANNING ON
SPENDING THAT MUCH.
=THE REASON THAT LAW SCHOOLS HAVE BEEN DESCRIBED AS
"A PLACE FOR THE ACCUMULATION OF LEARNING" IS THAT
FIRST-YEAR STUDENTS BRING SOME IN, AND THIRD-YEAR STUDENTS
TAKE NONE OUT -- SO KNOWLEDGE ACCUMULATES.
=WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A LAWYER AND AN ONION?
YOU CRY WHEN YOU CUT UP AN ONION.
=NASA WAS INTERVIEWING PROFESSIONALS TO BE SENT TO MARS.
ONLY ONE COULD GO, AND HE COULDN'T RETURN TO EARTH.  THE
FIRST APPLICANT, AN ENGINEER, WAS ASKED HOW MUCH HE WANTED
TO BE PAID FOR GOING.  "A MILLION DOLLARS," HE ANSWERED,
"BECAUSE I WANT TO DONATE IT TO M.I.T."  THE NEXT APPLICANT,
A DOCTOR, WAS ASKED THE SAME QUESTION.  HE ASKED FOR TWO
MILLION DOLLARS.  "I WANT TO GIVE A MILLION TO MY FAMILY,"
HE EXPLAINED, "AND LEAVE THE OTHER MILLION FOR THE ADVANCEMENT
OF MEDICAL RESEARCH."  THE LAST APPLICANT WAS A LAWYER.  WHEN
ASKED HOW MUCH MONEY HE WANTED, HE WHISPERED IN THE
INTERVIEWER'S EAR, "THREE MILLION DOLLARS."  "WHY SO MUCH
MORE THAN THE OTHERS?" THE INTERVIEWER ASKED.  THE LAWYER
REPLIED, "IF YOU GIVE ME $3 MILLION, I'LL GIVE YOU $1 MILLION,
I'LL KEEP $1 MILLION, AND WE'LL SEND THE ENGINEER TO MARS."
=WHAT ARE THE THREE QUESTIONS MOST COMMONLY ASKED BY LAWYERS?
1. HOW MUCH MONEY DO YOU HAVE?  2. WHERE CAN YOU GET MORE?
3. DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING YOU CAN SELL?
=HOW MANY LAWYER JOKES ARE THERE?
ONLY THREE. THE BALANCE ARE DOCUMENTED CASE HISTORIES.
=ONE DAY AT THE PEARLY GATES, ST.PETER MET CHIEF JUSTICE
REHNQUIST, WHO WAS APPLYING FOR ADMISSION.  ST. PETER LOOKED
AT HIS LEDGER, AND THEN LOOKED BACK AT THE CHIEF JUSTICE AND
SAID, "UH, THERE'S A LITTLE PROBLEM.  IT SAYS HERE THAT YOU
WERE CHIEF JUSTICE OF THE UNITED STATES, YET YOU HAD VERY
LITTLE REGARD FOR THE CONSTITUTION."  THE CHIEF JUSTICE
LOOKED POSITIVELY SHOCKED AND HURT, AND PROTESTED, "OH, NO,
ST.PETER, I'VE NEVER HAD ANY PROBLEM WITH THE CONSTITUTION --
JUST THE AMENDMENTS!"
=AN ELEMENTARY-SCHOOL TEACHER HEARD CHILDREN WAILING AND
CRYING AND RUSHED TO THE PLAYGROUND TO SEE WHAT WAS WRONG.
THERE, SHE FOUND MARC, CHUCK, AND LAURA, THE LATTER CRYING
FURIOUSLY.  WHEN SHE ASKED WHAT HAD HAPPENED, MARC TOLD HER,
"CHUCK TOOK LAURA'S ORANGE.  THEN SHE HIT HIM ON THE HEAD
AND CALLED HIM SEVERAL DIRTY NAMES, AND HE KICKED HER IN
THE STOMACH."  THE TEACHER REPLIED, "WELL, THEN, WE'LL ALL
HAVE TO GO TO THE PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE. WHERE IS THE ORANGE
NOW?"  MARC SMILED AND PRODUCED THE ORANGE FROM HIS POCKET.
"I HAVE THE ORANGE. I'M LAURA'S LAWYER."
=A YOUNG ATTORNEY WAS ATTENDING A FUNERAL.  ANOTHER MOURNER
ARRIVED LATE AND ASKED THE LAWYER, "WHERE ARE THEY IN THE
SERVICE?"  THE ATTORNEY GESTURED AT THE MINISTER AND REPLIED,
"HE'S JUST OPENING FOR THE DEFENSE."
=MURPHY, A DISHONEST LAWYER, BRIBED A MAN ON HIS CLIENT'S
JURY TO HOLD OUT FOR A CHARGE OF MANSLAUGHTER, AS OPPOSED
TO THE CHARGE OF MURDER WHICH WAS BROUGHT BY THE STATE.
THE JURY WAS OUT FOR SEVERAL DAYS BEFORE THEY RETURNED WITH
THE MANSLAUGHTER VERDICT.  WHEN MURPHY PAID THE CORRUPT JUROR,
HE ASKED HIM IF HE HAD A VERY DIFFICULT TIME CONVINCING THE
OTHER JURORS TO SEE THINGS HIS WAY.  "SURE DID," THE JUROR
REPLIED, "THE OTHER ELEVEN WANTED TO ACQUIT."
=JOHN AND JOE HAD BEEN LAW PARTNERS FOR MANY YEARS, SHARING
EVERYTHING, MOST ESPECIALLY THE AFFECTIONS OF THEIR
LIBIDINOUS SECRETARY, ROSE.  ONE MORNING, AN AGITATED JOHN
CAME TO JOE WITH THE BAD NEWS, "ROSE IS PREGNANT!  WE'RE GOING
TO BE A FATHER!"  JOE, THE MORE RESERVED OF THE TWO, CALMED
HIS PARTNER AND REMINDED HIM THAT THINGS COULD BE MUCH WORSE.
THEY WERE BOTH WELL-OFF, AND COULD EASILY AFFORD THE COSTS OF
RAISING THE CHILD.  ROSE WOULD HAVE THE BEST CARE AVAILABLE,
HER CHILD WOULD ATTEND ONLY THE FINEST SCHOOLS, AND NEITHER
WOULD WANT FOR ANYTHING.  THE CHILD WOULD HAVE THE BENEFIT
OF HAVING TWO FATHERS, BOTH OF WHICH WERE CARING AND
WELL-EDUCATED.  GRADUALLY, JOHN GOT USED TO THE IDEA OF
FATHERHOOD.  WHEN THE BIG DAY CAME, BOTH WERE AT THE
HOSPITAL AWAITING THE NEWS OF THEIR OFFSPRING'S BIRTH.
FINALLY, JOHN COULD TAKE NO MORE AND WENT OUTSIDE TO TAKE
A WALK.  WHEN HE RETURNED AN HOUR LATER, JOE HAD THE NEWS.
"WE HAD TWINS," SAID JOE, "AND MINE DIED."
=SEVERAL MEN WERE DRINKING IN A LOCAL TAVERN, WHEN ONE
DECIDED THAT HE HAD ENOUGH AND STARTED FOR HOME.  HE
SWAYED VIOLENTLY AS HE WALKED, EVEN THOUGH HE REALLY
HADN'T HAD THAT MUCH TO DRINK.  WHEN ONE OF THE NEWER
PATRONS ASKED WHY THE MAN WALKED THAT WAY, HE WAS TOLD
THAT THE DRINKER HAD BEEN A SAILOR FOR 30 YEARS, AND
STILL WALKED AS IF HE WAS ON A SHIP'S DECK IN HEAVY
WEATHER.  THE MAN THOUGHT THIS TO BE NONSENSE.  HE
STARTED TO MAKE VIOLENT PELVIC THRUSTS AGAINST THE BAR
AS HE TOLD HIS FRIENDS, "I'VE BEEN A LAWYER FOR 35 YEARS,
AND I DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS WHEN I WALK!"
=MR. DEWEY WAS BRIEFING HIS CLIENT, WHO WAS ABOUT TO
TESTIFY IN HIS OWN DEFENSE.  "YOU MUST SWEAR TO TELL THE
COMPLETE TRUTH.  DO YOU UNDERSTAND?"  THE CLIENT REPLIED
THAT HE DID.  THE LAWYER THEN ASKED, "DO YOU KNOW WHAT WILL
HAPPEN IF YOU DON'T TELL THE TRUTH?" THE CLIENT LOOKED BACK
AND SAID, "I IMAGINE THAT OUR SIDE WILL WIN."

%% 200, 0, Lawyer - Pt. 6
-LAWYER PT. 6 (33 JOKES)

=ONE DAY IN CONTRACT LAW CLASS, PROFESSOR JEPSON ASKED
ONE OF HIS BETTER STUDENTS, "NOW IF YOU WERE TO GIVE
SOMEONE AN ORANGE, HOW WOULD YOU GO ABOUT IT?"  THE
STUDENT REPLIED, "HERE'S AN ORANGE."  THE PROFESSOR WAS
LIVID.  "NO! NO! THINK LIKE A LAWYER!" THE STUDENT THEN
RECITED, "OKAY, I'D TELL HIM, 'I HEREBY GIVE AND CONVEY
TO YOU ALL AND SINGULAR, MY ESTATE AND INTERESTS, RIGHTS,
CLAIM, TITLE, CLAIM AND ADVANTAGES OF AND IN, SAID ORANGE,
TOGETHER WITH ALL ITS RIND, JUICE, PULP, AND SEEDS, AND ALL
RIGHTS A ND ADVANTAGES WITH FULL POWER TO BITE, CUT, FREEZE
AND OTHERWISE EAT, THE SAME, OR GIVE THE SAME AWAY WITH AND
WITHOUT THE PULP, JUICE, RIND AND SEEDS, ANYTHING HEREIN
BEFORE OR HEREINAFTER OR IN ANY DEED, OR DEEDS, INSTRUMENTS
OF WHATEVER NATURE OR KIND WHATSOEVER TO THE CONTRARY IN
ANYWISE NOTWITHSTANDING..."
=THE LAWYER WAS IN THE SUMMATION OF HIS CASE: "AND, IF IT
PLEASE THE COURT, IF I AM WRONG IN THIS, I HAVE ANOTHER
ARGUMENT THAT IS EQUALLY CONCLUSIVE."
=TWO SCHOOLGIRLS WERE HAVING AN ARGUMENT.  "MY DAD'S BETTER
THAN YOUR DAD.  HE'S A CARPENTER AND MAKES BUILDINGS."  THE
OTHER GIRL REPLIED, "MY DAD DOES BETTER THAN THAT.  HE'S A
LAWYER, AND MAKES LOOPHOLES."
=A BAPTIST MINISTER HAD THE MISFORTUNE TO BE SEATED NEXT TO
AN ATTORNEY ON HIS FLIGHT HOME.  AFTER THE PLANE WAS AIRBORNE,
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT CAME AROUND FOR DRINK ORDERS.  THE
ATTORNEY ASKED FOR A WHISKEY AND SODA, WHICH WAS BROUGHT
AND PLACED BEFORE HIM.  THE ATTENDANT THEN ASKED THE MINISTER
IF HE WOULD ALSO LIKE A DRINK.  THE MINSITER REPLIED IN DISGUST,
"I'D RATHER SAVAGELY RAPE A BRAZEN WHORE THAN LET LIQUOR TOUCH
THESE LIPS."  THE ATTORNEY THEN HANDED HIS DRINK BACK TO THE
ATTENDANT AND TOLD HER WITH  DELIGHT, "I DIDN'T KNOW THERE WAS A
CHOICE."
=PETE AND JERRY HAD BEEN LAW PARTNERS FOR MANY YEARS.  ONE DAY,
PETE FELL ILL, AND GREW PROGRESSIVELY WORSE.  MEDICAL
SPECIALISTS WERE CALLED IN FROM THE WORLD OVER, BUT NO ONE
COULD DIAGNOSE PETE'S ILLNESS.  THE ONLY THING THAT SEEMED
CERTAIN WAS THAT PETE'S DEATH WAS IMMINENT.  AS PETE LAY IN
HIS LAST HOURS, HE FELT OBLIGATED TO REVEAL A FEW SECRETS
TO JERRY.  "YOU KNOW THAT MILLION DOLLAR SETTLEMENT WE GOT
FROM MORGAN LAST YEAR?  I NEVER TOLD YOU THIS, BUT IT WAS
REALLY THREE MILLION. I KEPT THE OTHER TWO MILLION, AND
EVENTUALLY GAMBLED IT AWAY.  CAN YOU FORGIVE ME?"
JERRY SAID THAT HE WOULD, WITHOUT QUESTION.  PETE THEN
TOLD HIM, "WELL, YOU REMEMBER WHEN YOUR WIFE DIVORCED YOU
AND GOT THE BIG ALIMONY JUDGMENT?  IT WAS ME THAT GAVE HER
THE INSIDE INFORMATION ON YOUR FINANCES.  I HAD BEEN
SCREWING HER FOR YEARS.  HOW CAN YOU FORGIVE ME?"  JERRY
TOLD HIS FRIEND, ONCE AGAIN, THAT IT WAS FORGOTTEN.  AFTER
PETE HAD TOLD OF SEVERAL OTHER TRANSGRESSIONS, ALL OF WHICH
JERRY FORGAVE, PETE BEGAN TO LOOK AT JERRY AS SAINTLY.  "HOW
CAN YOU BE SO FORGIVING, AFTER THE WAY I HAVE CHEATED AND
LIED TO YOU FOR SO MANY YEARS?"  JERRY ANSWERED, "FOR TWO
REASONS, PETE.  FIRST, BECAUSE YOU WILL SOON BE DEAD, AND
THERE'S NO REASON TO HATE YOU IN THE GRAVE.  AND,
SECONDLY, BECAUSE I POISONED YOU."
=TADBURY WAS AN ENTREPRENEUR WITH A REPUTATION FOR DISHONESTY.
ONE DAY HE WENT TO SMYTHE, A NEW BUT TALENTED ATTORNEY.  HE
TOLD SMYTHE THAT HE WOULDN'T PAY ANY FEES UNLESS THERE SEEMED
A CLEAR CAUSE OF LEGAL ACTION.  SMYTHE AGREED TO EVALUATE THE
CASE. AFTER A LENGTHY DISCUSSION, SMYTHE TOLD TADBURY, "YOUR
CASE IS ABSOLUTELY AIRTIGHT.  THE OTHER PARTY IS DEAD WRONG,
AND CANNOT HOPE TO WIN THE CASE.  I WILL BE HAPPY TO REPRESENT
YOU FOR A RETAINER OF $10,000."  TADBURY THEN GOT UP TO LEAVE.
THE ATTORNEY PROTESTED, "BUT I TOLD YOU THAT YOUR CASE WAS GOOD,
AND YOU AGREED TO PAY ME IF YOU HAD A CLAIM!  YOU HAVE TO PAY
ME MY FEE!" TADBURY REPLIED, "ABSOLUTELY NOT.  I'M LEAVING
TOWN. I TOLD YOU THE OTHER GUY'S SIDE."
=BELIEVING IN PREDESTINATION, A NEW FATHER SET OUT THREE
OBJECTS ON THE DINING ROOM TABLE IN PREPARATION FOR HIS
SON'S ARRIVAL HOME FROM SCHOOL.  THE FIRST OBJECT WAS A $100
BILL.  "THAT REPRESENTS HIGH FINANCE. IF HE TAKES THIS, HE'S
GOING INTO BUSINESS."  THE SECOND OBJECT WAS A BIBLE.  "IF
HE TAKES THIS ONE, HE'LL BE A MAN OF THE CLOTH."  THE THIRD
OBJECT WAS A BOTTLE OF CHEAP WHISKEY.  "IF HE GOES FOR THIS
ONE, HE'LL BE A DRUNKARD!"  THE FATHER AND HIS WIFE THEN HID
WHERE THEY COULD SEE THEIR SON'S APPROACH.  SOON THE SON
ENTERED THE ROOM AND EXAMINED EACH ARTICLE BRIEFLY.  HE THEN
CHECKED TO MAKE SURE THAT HE WAS ALONE.  NOT SEEING ANYONE,
HE STUFFED THE MONEY IN HIS POCKET, PUT THE BIBLE UNDER HIS
ARM, AND STROLLED OUT OF THE ROOM DRAINING THE WHISKEY.
THE FATHER LOOKED AT HIS WIFE AND BEAMED,  "HOW ABOUT THAT!
HE'S GOING TO BE A LAWYER!"
=MR. WILSON WAS THE CHAIRMAN OF THE UNITED WAY, WHICH HAD
NEVER RECEIVED A DONATION FROM THE MOST SUCCESSFUL LAWYER
IN TOWN.  HE CALLED ON THE ATTORNEY IN AN ATTEMPT TO MAKE
HIM MEND HIS WAYS.  "OUR RESEARCH SHOWS THAT YOU MADE A
PROFIT OF OVER $600,000 LAST YEAR, AND YET YOU HAVE NOT
GIVEN A DIME TO THE COMMUNITY CHARITIES!  WHAT DO YOU HAVE
TO SAY FOR YOURSELF?" THE LAWYER REPLIED, "DO YOU KNOW THAT
MY MOTHER IS DYING OF A LONG ILLNESS, AND HAS MEDICAL BILLS
THAT ARE SEVERAL TIMES HER ANNUAL INCOME?  DO YOU  KNOW
ABOUT MY BROTHER, THE DISABLED VETERAN, WHO IS BLIND AND
IN A WHEELCHAIR?  DO YOU KNOW ABOUT MY SISTER, WHOSE HUSBAND
DIED IN A TRAFFIC ACCIDENT, LEAVING HER WITH THREE
CHILDREN?"  THE CHARITY SOLICITOR ADMITTED THAT HE HAD NO
KNOWLEDGE OF ANY OF THIS.  "WELL, SINCE I DON'T GIVE ANY
MONEY TO THEM, WHY SHOULD I GIVE ANY TO YOU?"
=AN INDIGENT CLIENT WHO HAD BEEN INJURED IN AN ACCIDENT WENT
LOOKING FOR A LAWYER TO REPRESENT HIM WITHOUT COST.  ONE
LAWYER TOLD HIM THAT HE WOULD TAKE THE CASE ON CONTINGENCY.
WHEN THE CLIENT ASKED WHAT "CONTINGENCY" WAS, THE LAWYER
REPLIED, "IF I DON'T WIN YOUR LAWSUIT, I DON'T GET ANYTHING.
IF I DO WIN YOUR LAWSUIT, YOU DON'T GET ANYTHING."
="SOME PEOPLE THINK ABOUT SEX ALL OF THE TIME, SOME PEOPLE
THINK ABOUT SEX SOME OF THE TIME, AND SOME PEOPLE NEVER THINK
ABOUT SEX: THEY BECOME LAWYERS." --WOODY ALLEN"
=THE DOWN-ON-HIS-LUCK ATTORNEY WAS SITTING IN THE BAR, NURSING
HIS BEER.  "HOW IT GOING?" ASKED A COLLEAGUE.  "TERRIBLE.  I JUST
GOT EVICTED FROM MY OFFICE.  I WROTE UP THE PAPERS MYSELF.  NEVER
WOULD HAVE DONE IT IF I HADN'T NEEDED THE MONEY SO BAD."
=ANN WAS DESPERATE WHEN SHE WALKED INTO THE BANK VAULT WHERE
SHE WORKED, STUFFED $50,000 INTO HER PURSE, AND LEFT THE
BUILDING. SHE COULDN'T GO THROUGH WITH THE CRIME, HOWEVER,
AND CALLED HER ATTORNEY, WHO ADVISED HER TO STEAL $50,000
MORE AND BRING IT TO HIS OFFICE WITH THE REST OF THE MONEY.
BEFUDDLED, SHE DID THIS, THEN MANAGED TO GET AWAY WITH HER
DEED WHEN HER ATTORNEY WROTE THE FOLLOWING LETTER: "ANN,
TERRIBLY PRESSED, STOLE $100,000 FROM YOUR BANK.  HER FAITHFUL
FAMILY, DESPITE THEIR BEST EFFORTS, WAS UNABLE TO RAISE MORE
THAN $50,000, WHICH THEY OFFER TO RETURN IF YOU WILL NOT PROSECUTE."
=FROM THE LAW SCHOOL ADMISSION TEST: A PROSPECTIVE CLIENT COMES
INTO YOUR OFFICE AND ASKS YOU TO REPRESENT HIM IN A CONTRACT
DISPUTE.  AS THE CLIENT RELATES THE FACTS OF THE CASE TO YOU, YOU
REALIZE THAT HE HAS AN EXCELLENT CHANCE OF WINNING. YOU ALSO
REALIZE THAT YOU SYMPATHIZE WITH THE OTHER PARTY, AND INDEED THE
CLIENT'S MOTIVES ARE REPREHENSIBLE.  BUT THE FACT IS, EVERYONE IS
ENTITLED TO COMPETENT REPRESENTATION.  YOUR DECISION ON WHETHER
TO ACCEPT REPRESENTATION OF THIS CLIENT SHOULD BE BASED ON: A) THE
CLIENT'S ABILITY TO PAY YOUR FEE; OR B) THE CLIENT'S ABILITY TO
PAY YOUR FEE; OR C) THE CLIENT'S ABILITY TO PAY YOUR FEE; OR D)
THE CLIENT'S ABILITY TO PAY YOUR FEE."
=A MAN CALLED HIS LAWYER ONE DAY TO ASK A ROUTINE QUESTION
ABOUT AN ONGOING MATTER WITH WHICH BOTH PARTIES WERE FAMILIAR.
THE LAWYER GAVE A QUICK ROUTINE ANSWER, AND THE ENTIRE PHONE
CONVERSATION TOOK NO MORE THAN 60 SECONDS. THE MAN WAS
UNDERSTANDABLY A LITTLE DISMAYED TO FIND A BILL FROM THE LAWYER
IN HIS MAIL A FEW DAYS LATER. THE BILL CHARGED FOR 1/4 HOUR OF
CONSULTATION TIME, THE MINIMUM BILLING INCREMENT, AT THE LAWYER'S
RATE OF $225 PER HOUR. THE CLIENT GRUMBLED CONSIDERABLY AS HE WROTE
OUT THE CHECK FOR MORE THAN $50. TWO WEEKS LATER, WHILE OUT FOR A
WALK, THE CLIENT HAPPENED TO WALK PAST THE LAWYER'S HOUSE. THE
LAWYER WAS OUTSIDE, WATERING HIS LAWN, AND WAVED TO THE CLIENT.
THE CLIENT WALKED OVER AND SAID, "NICE DAY, ISN'T IT?  WAIT A
MINUTE--DON'T ANSWER THAT!!"
=A SEASONED PRO LOSES ON A ROBBERY TRIAL.  HIS CLIENT TURNS TO
HIM AND SAYS, "WELL, WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE?"   THE PRO REPLIES,
"SON, YOU'RE GOING TO PRISON, I'M GOING TO LUNCH!"
=A SCIENTIST AND A LAWYER WERE DISCUSSING THE MARVELS OF
TECHNOLOGY. THE LAWYER IS ASKED TO IDENTIFY AN INVENTION THAT
HE WOULD CLASSIFY AS MIRACULOUS.  HIS ANSWER: THE THERMOS BOTTLE.
"WHY THE THERMOS BOTTLE?"  "WHEN YOU PUT HOT THINGS IN IT, IT KEEPS
THEM HOT, AND WHEN YOU PUT COLD THINGS IN IT, IT KEEPS THEM COLD."
"SO WHAT'S THE MIRACLE?  "HOW DOES IT KNOW?"
=A YOUNG PERSON IS APPROACHED BY THE DEVIL, WHO SHOWS HIM THE
TWO PATHS IN LIFE TO FOLLOW (THE STRAIGHT AND NARROW AND WELL,
YOU KNOW...). HE ALSO SHOWS HIM HELL, TO WHICH, AS WE ALL KNOW,
THE LATTER PATH LEADS. THE YOUNG PERSON OBSERVES MASSES OF PEOPLE
ENJOYING ALL MANNER OF EARTHLY PLEASURES, POSSESSING ALL THE GOODS
THAN ONE MIGHT WANT, AND IN GENERAL, ENJOYING THEMSELVES IMMENSELY.
HE CHOOSES THE DEVIL'S PATH AND BECOMES THE STEREOTYPICAL LAWYER.
YEARS PASS, THE NO-LONGER-YOUNG PERSON DIES, GOES TO HELL, AND IS
GREETED BY THE DEVIL. HE IS ASSIGNED TO A CELL, FROM WHICH HE
OBSERVES PEOPLE BEING SUBJECTED TO ALL MANNER OF HIDEOUS TORTURES.
HE IS TOLD THAT HIS TORTURE WILL START IN THE MORNING. PUZZLED,
THE LAWYER, WHO FOLLOWED THE DEVIL'S PATH TO THE VERY BEST OF HIS
ABILITY ASKS: "BUT WHAT HAPPENED TO WHAT I SAW WHEN YOU SHOWED THIS
PLACE TO ME YEARS AGO WHEN YOU SIGNED ME UP?"  THE DEVIL
RESPONDED, "OH, YOU MUST HAVE BEEN HERE DURING OUR SUMMER
ASSOCIATE PROGRAM."
=HAVING PASSED ON, THE LAWYER FOUND HIMSELF WITH THE DEVIL IN A
ROOM FILLED WITH CLOCKS. EACH CLOCK TURNED AT A DIFFERENT SPEED
AND WAS LABELED WITH THE NAME OF A DIFFERENT OCCUPATION. AFTER
EXAMINING ALL OF THE CLOCKS, THE LAWYER TURNED TO THE DEVIL AND
SAID, "I HAVE TWO QUESTIONS, FIRST WHY DOES EACH CLOCK MOVE AT A
DIFFERENT SPEED?"  THE DEVIL REPLIED, "THEY TURN AT THE RATE AT
WHICH THAT OCCUPATION SINS ON THE EARTH. WHAT IS YOUR SECOND QUESTION?"
THE LAWYER ASKED WHERE THE ATTORNEYS' CLOCK WAS, AS HE COULDN'T
SEEM TO FIND IT. THE DEVIL LOOKED PUZZLED, THEN HIS FACE
BRIGHTENED AND HE REPLIED, "OH, WE KEEP THAT ONE IN THE WORKSHOP.
IT'S USED AS A FAN."
=WHY ARE LAWYERS LIKE NUCLEAR WEAPONS?
IF ONE SIDE HAS ONE, THE OTHER SIDE HAS TO GET ONE.  ONCE
LAUNCHED DURING A CAMPAIGN, THEY CAN RARELY BE RECALLED.  WHEN
THEY LAND, THEY SCREW UP EVERYTHING FOREVER.
=HOW MANY LAWYERS CAN YOU PLACE ON THE POINT OF A NEEDLE?
TEN, IF YOU STAND THEM ON THEIR HEADS.
=LAWYER'S MOTHER: "MY SON IS A BRILLIANT ATTORNEY. HE CAN LOOK AT
A CONTRACT AND INSTANTLY TELL YOU WHETHER IT'S VERBAL OR WRITTEN."
="FOR CERTAIN PEOPLE, AFTER FIFTY, LITIGATION TAKES THE PLACE OF
SEX." --GORE VIDAL"
=THE LAWYER WAS BEGINNING TO GRASP AT STRAWS DURING HIS
CROSS-EXAMINATION. "YOU SAY, MRS. DAWSON, THAT THIS TOOK
EXACTLY FIVE MINUTES?"  THE WITNESS REPLIED THAT SHE WAS SURE.
"I AM GOING TO GIVE YOU A TEST. I WANT YOU TO TELL ME WHEN
EXACTLY FIVE MINUTES HAS PASSED--STARTING NOW."  THE LAWYER WAS
INTENTLY WATCHING A STOPWATCH TAKEN FROM HIS BRIEFCASE. AT FIVE
MINUTES, TO THE SECOND, THE WITNESS GAVE THE SIGNAL.  THE LAWYER
TOLD HER, "THAT'S QUITE REMARKABLE.  HOW DID YOU GAUGE THE TIME SO
ACCURATELY?"  MRS. DAWSON REPLIED, "I WATCHED THE CLOCK ON THE WALL
BEHIND YOU."
=TURNBULL, A WEALTHY NEW YORK CITY ATTORNEY, DECIDED TO TAKE A FEW
DAYS' VACATION AND VISIT HIS POOR COUSIN IN THE APPALACHIANS. AS HE
SAT ON THE RICKETY PORCH OF HIS COUSIN'S SHANTY HOME, HE TOLD HIM,
"YOU KNOW, HENRY, YOU SHOULD HAVE FOLLOWED ME AND STUDIED THE LAW.
NOT A MAN ALIVE COULD ENJOY LIVING IN THIS FILTH.  I MAKE A THOUSAND
DOLLARS A DAY, EASY."  COUSIN HENRY REPLIED, "HONESTLY?"  TURNBULL
REPLIED, "WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?"
=THE WALL STREET ATTORNEY SENT HIS ONLY SON, A NOTORIOUS
NE'ER-DO-WELL, TO HIS ALMA MATER LAW SCHOOL, PROMISING HIM A
GIFT OF $10,000 IF HE WOULD MAKE THE LAW REVIEW IN ONE YEAR.
AT THE END OF THE SON'S FIRST YEAR, THE LAW STUDENT CALLED HIS
FATHER AND TOLD HIM THAT HE HAD WONDERFUL NEWS FOR HIM. "DAD -
I'M SAVING YOU $10.000!"
=LAWYER: ONE SKILLED IN CIRCUMVENTION OF THE LAW.
LIAR: A LAWYER WITH A ROVING COMMISSION. --AMBROSE BIERCE
=WHAT DO YOU HAVE WHEN THERE IS ONLY ONE LAWYER IN TOWN?
TOO LITTLE WORK.  WHAT DO YOU HAVE WHEN THERE ARE TWO LAWYERS IN TOWN?
TOO MUCH WORK.
="A LAWYER IS NEVER ENTIRELY COMFORTABLE WITH A FRIENDLY DIVORCE,
ANYMORE THAN A GOOD MORTICIAN WANTS TO FINISH THE JOB AND THEN HAVE
THE PATIENT SIT UP ON THE TABLE." --JEAN KERR
=THERE WAS A YOUNG LAWYER WHO SHOWED UP AT A REVIVAL MEETING
AND WAS ASKED TO DELIVER A PRAYER.  UNPREPARED, HE GAVE A
PRAYER FROM A LAWYER'S HEART: "STIR UP MUCH STRIFE AMONGST
THY PEOPLE, LORD, LEST THY SERVANT PERISH." --SENATOR SAM ERVIN
=DESPITE HIS BEST EFFORTS, THE LAWYER'S CLIENT WAS CONVICTED OF
MURDER AND SENTENCED TO DIE IN THE ELECTRIC CHAIR. ON THE EVE OF
HIS EXECUTION, THE CONVICT CALLED HIS ATTORNEY FOR LAST-MINUTE
ADVICE. HE WAS TOLD, "DON'T SIT DOWN."
="AN INCOMPETENT ATTORNEY CAN DELAY A LAWSUIT FOR YEARS.  A
COMPETENT ATTORNEY CAN DELAY ONE EVEN LONGER." --EVELLE J. YOUNGER
=A LAWYER IN SCOTLAND WAS A GREAT FAN OF VERY HOT CURRIES
FROM A LOCAL INDIAN RESTAURANT, SO AFTER A TRYING DAY IN COURT
HE HEADED HOME VIA THE LOCAL TAKEAWAY WHERE HE ORDERED HIS USUAL
EXTRA-HOT VINDALOO. HE GOT IT HOME AND POURED IT ONTO A METAL PLATE,
BEING CAREFUL NOT TO SPILL IT ON THE TABLE SO IT WOULDN'T BURN A
HOLE THROUGH IT. HE WENT TO THE FRIDGE FOR A BEER AND RETURNED TO
FIND THAT HIS CAT HAD EATEN THE ENTIRE CURRY MEAL. NORMALLY A
PEACEABLE PERSON, THE LAWYER WAS INCENSED BY THIS, AND HE GRABBED
THE UNFORTUNATE ANIMAL, WHICH HE THREW INTO A SACK AND WEIGHED
IT DOWN WITH VARIOUS LAW BOOKS THAT HE HAD NEVER READ ANYWAY.
HE PUT THE SACK INTO HIS NEW MERCEDES 500SLC (A RECENT ROBBERY
ACQUITTAL) AND DROVE IT OUT TO LOCH NESS, WHERE HE THREW THE SACK
OUT INTO THE LOCH.  HE DROVE HOME VIA THE TAKEAWAY ONLY TO FIND
THAT IT WAS CLOSED FOR THE NIGHT.  HE RETURNED HOME IN A FOUL
TEMPER AND FOUND THAT HE HAD NO FOOD IN THE KITCHEN, ONLY BEER
AND VERY EXPENSIVE WHISKY (A RECENT MURDER ACQUITTAL) AND WAS
HAVING A BEER BY THE FIRESIDE WHEN HE HEARD THE DOORBELL RINGING.
HE OPENED THE DOOR AND SAW THE CAT STANDING ON THE DOORSTEP,
SOAKING WET. THE CAT SAYS, "IS THERE ANY MORE WATER?"
=AN AMISH MAN NAMED SMITH WAS INJURED WHEN HE AND HIS HORSE
WERE STRUCK BY A CAR IN AN INTERSECTION.  SMITH SUED THE DRIVER
OF THE CAR, AND THE DRIVER'S ATTORNEY WAS CROSS-EXAMINING HIM,
TRYING TO IMPEACH HIS TESTIMONY: LAWYER: "MR. SMITH, YOU HAVE TOLD
US ABOUT ALL THESE GRIEVOUS INJURIES YOU SUFFERED IN THIS ALLEGED
ACCIDENT.  ISN'T IT TRUE, THOUGH, THAT YOU TOLD THE INVESTIGATING
OFFICER AT THE SCENE OF THE INCIDENT THAT YOU WERE NOT INJURED
AT ALL?"  SMITH: "PLEASE LET ME EXPLAIN. WHEN THE OFFICER ARRIVED
ON THE SCENE, THE FIRST THING HE DID WAS WALK UP TO MY HORSE.
HE SAID, "LOOKS LIKE THIS ONE HAS A BROKEN LEG," AND THEN HE TOOK OUT
HIS SERVICE REVOLVER AND SHOT THE HORSE.  THEN HE CAME UP TO ME AND
ASKED ME HOW I WAS DOING. OF COURSE I IMMEDIATELY YELLED, "I'M FINE!

%% 200, 0, Judge/IRS
-JUDGE/IRS (19 JOKES)

="A JUDGE IS A LAW STUDENT WHO MARKS HIS OWN TEST PAPERS."--H.L. MENCKEN
=IN THIS RECESSION TIMES ARE TOUGH EVERYWHERE, BUT IN CHICAGO THINGS
ARE SO BAD THE MAFIA HAD TO LAY OFF SEVEN JUDGES.
=A WOMAN WAS BEING QUESTIONED IN A COURT TRIAL INVOLVING
SLANDER.  "PLEASE REPEAT THE SLANDEROUS STATEMENTS YOU HEARD,
EXACTLY AS YOU HEARD THEM," INSTRUCTED THE LAWYER.  THE
WITNESS HESITATED.  "BUT THEY WERE UNFIT FOR ANY RESPECTABLE
PERSON TO HEAR!"  "THEN", SAID THE ATTORNEY, "JUST WHISPER
THEM TO THE JUDGE."
=DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE TWO GAY JUDGES WHO TRIED EACH OTHER?"
=A MAN WAS TELLING THE JUDGE THAT HE WANTED TO BE EXCUSED FROM
JURY DUTY BECAUSE HE COULD ONLY HEAR OUT OF ONE EAR.  "WE HEAR
ONLY ONE SIDE OF A CASE AT A TIME", SAID THE JUDGE, "SO YOU
ARE NOT EXCUSED."
=THERE ARE TWO KINDS OF LAWYERS, THOSE WHO KNOW THE LAW AND THOSE
WHO KNOW THE JUDGE.
=BEFORE NEIL BUSH'S 1990 TRIAL IN THE SILVERADO BANKING SCANDAL,
WHY DID HIS LAWYER ADVISE HIM TO SHAVE HIS HEAD?
BECAUSE THE JUDGE LIKES A SHAVED BUSH.
=WHY DO LAWYERS DREAM OF GOING TO HELL?
BECAUSE THEIR APPEALS WOULD BE HEARD MUCH FASTER THERE (MORE JUDGES).
=A JUDGE ENTERS THE COURTROOM, STRIKES THE GAVEL AND SAYS,
"BEFORE I BEGIN THIS TRIAL, I HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT TO MAKE.  THE
LAWYER FOR THE DEFENSE HAS PAID ME $15,000 TO SWING THE CASE HIS WAY.
THE LAWYER FOR THE PLAINTIFF HAS PAID ME $10,000 TO SWING THE CASE
HER WAY. IN ORDER TO MAKE THIS A FAIR TRIAL, I AM RETURNING $5,000
TO THE DEFENSE."
=CARLSON WAS CHARGED WITH STEALING A MERCEDES BENZ, AND AFTER A
LONG TRIAL, THE JURY ACQUITTED HIM.  LATER THAT DAY CARLSON CAME
BACK TO THE JUDGE WHO HAD PRESIDED AT THE HEARING.  "YOUR HONOR,"
HE SAID, "I WANNA GET OUT A WARRANT FOR THAT DIRTY LAWYER OF MINE."
"WHY?" ASKED THE JUDGE.  "HE WON YOUR ACQUITTAL.  WHY DO YOU WANT
TO HAVE HIM ARRESTED?"  "WELL, YOUR HONOR," REPLIED CARLSON, "I
DIDN'T HAVE THE MONEY TO PAY HIS FEE, SO HE WENT AND TOOK THE CAR
I STOLE."
="NASTY LOOKING CREW YOU GOT TO HANDLE OUT THERE THIS MORNING,
JUDGE," SAID THE COURT OFFICER.  "WHERE DID THE COPS FIND ALL
THOSE CROOKS?" THE JUDGE REPLIED, "THE CROOKS WON'T BE HERE
FOR ANOTHER FIFTEEN MINUTES.  THOSE ARE THE LAWYERS."
=THE DAY AFTER A VERDICT HAD BEEN ENTERED AGAINST HIS CLIENT,
THE ATTORNEY RUSHED TO THE JUDGE'S CHAMBERS, DEMANDING THAT
THE CASE BE REOPENED.  HE SAID THAT HE HAD NEW EVIDENCE THAT
MADE A HUGE DIFFERENCE IN HIS DEFENSE.  "WHAT NEW EVIDENCE COULD
YOU HAVE?" SAID THE JUDGE.  THE ATTORNEY REPLIED, "MY CLIENT HAS
AN EXTRA $10,000, AND I JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT IT!"
=TAYLOR WAS DESPERATE FOR BUSINESS, AND WAS HAPPY TO BE
APPOINTED BY THE COURT TO DEFEND AN INDIGENT DEFENDANT.
THE JUDGE ORDERED TAYLOR, "YOU ARE TO CONFER WITH THE DEFENDANT
IN THE HALLWAY, AND GIVE HIM THE BEST LEGAL ADVICE YOU CAN."
AFTER A TIME, TAYLOR RE-ENTERED THE COURTROOM ALONE.  WHEN THE
JUDGE ASKED WHERE THE DEFENDANT HAD GONE, TAYLOR REPLIED,
"YOU ASKED ME TO GIVE HIM GOOD ADVICE.  I FOUND OUT THAT HE WAS
GUILTY AS HELL, SO I TOLD HIM TO SPLIT."
=HAVING JUST HAD JUDGMENT ENTERED AGAINST HIM, MR. WALTERS
WAS UPSET TO BE HANDED HIS ATTORNEY'S BILL.  "IT SAYS HERE
THAT I HAVE TO PAY YOU $5,000 NOW AND $500 A MONTH FOR THE
NEXT FIVE YEARS!  IT'S LIKE I WAS BUYING A TOP-OF-THE-LINE
MERCEDES!"  THE LAWYER SMILED AND REPLIED, "YOU ARE."
=BILLY, BOBBY AND JOE HAD A SPREE IN THE FRUIT ORCHARD.
THEY TORE ALL THE FRUIT FROM THE TREES, GORGED THEMSELVES,
THEN THREW FRUIT AND GENERALLY VANDALIZED THE PLACE.  WHEN
THE FARMER CAUGHT THEM, HE CALLED THE SHERIFF AND HAD THEM
TAKEN INTO CUSTODY.  WHEN THE BOYS APPEARED BEFORE THE JUDGE
AFTER SPENDING A NIGHT IN JAIL, HE ASKED THEM IF THEY HAD
LEARNED THEIR LESSON.  THE FIRST BOY REPLIED, "YES, SIR.  ALL
THAT FRUIT MADE ME SICK.  MY DAD'S A DOCTOR, AND HE TOLD ME
NEVER TO DO THAT AGAIN!"  THE SECOND BOY WAS FROM A MILITARY
FAMILY, "MY DAD TOLD ME THAT IF I EVER GET IN TROUBLE WITH THE
LAW AGAIN, I CAN KISS WEST POINT GOODBYE!"  THE THIRD BOY TOLD
THE JUDGE, "YOU BET I WON'T DO IT.  MY DAD'S A LAWYER, AND I'M
GONNA SUE THAT FARMER FOR DAMAGES TO MY PANTS THAT GOT TORE
JUMPING HIS FENCE!"
=WHEN THE LAWYER ARRIVED HE ASKED ST. PETER IF A PARTICULAR FRIEND
WAS IN HEAVEN. THE FRIEND HAD BEEN A FEDERAL JUDGE WHO HAD DIED A
FEW MONTHS BEFORE. ST. PETER REPLIED THAT THERE WERE NO FEDERAL
JUDGES IN HEAVEN. THE NEXT DAY THE LAWYER SAW SOMEONE WALKING
ALONG IN LONG BLACK ROBES WITH TWO FEDERAL MARSHALS WITH HIM.
LATER HE ASKED ST. PETER ABOUT THIS.  HE DID NOT WANT TO ROCK THE
BOAT BUT HE THOUGHT HE'D SEEN A FEDERAL JUDGE.  HE DESCRIBED THE
SCENE AND ST. PETER LAUGHED, EXPLAINING, "THAT WASN'T A FEDERAL
JUDGE, THAT WAS GOD.  HE JUST THINKS HE'S A FEDERAL JUDGE."
=A MAN WITH AN ALLIGATOR WALKED INTO A BAR AND ASKED THE BARTENDER,
"DO YOU SERVE IRS AGENTS HERE?"  "YES," HE SAID.  "GOOD, GIVE ME A
BEER, AND MY GATOR'LL HAVE AN IRS AGENT!"
=IF A LAWYER AND AN IRS AGENT WERE BOTH DROWNING, AND YOU COULD
ONLY SAVE ONE OF THEM, WOULD YOU GO TO LUNCH OR READ THE NEWSPAPER?
=A LAWYER AND AN IRS AGENT JUMP OFF THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING
AT THE SAME TIME. WHO WILL HIT FIRST?
ANSWER: WHO CARES?

%% 200, 0, Do-It-Yourself Country & Western Song

                DO-IT-YOURSELF COUNTRY & WESTERN SONG

I met her __________    _____;  I can still recall _________
             (1)        (2)                        (3)

1.                      2.                      3.
on the highway          in September            that purple dress
in Sheboygan            at McDonald's           that little hat
outside Fresno          ridin' shotgun          that burlap bra
at a truck stop         wrestlin' gators        those training pants
on probation            all hunched over        the stolen goods
in a jail cell          poppin' uppers          that plastic nose
in a nightmare          sort of pregnant        the Stassin pin
incognito               with joggers            the neon sign
in the Stone Age        stoned on oatmeal       that creepy smile
in a treehouse          with Merv Griffin       the hearing aid
in a gay bar            dead all over           the boxer shorts


she wore; She was ______  _____,
                    (4)    (5)

4.                                  5
sobbin' at the toll booth           in the twilight
drinkin' Dr. Pepper                 but I loved her
weighted down with Twinkies         by the off-ramp
breakin' out with acne              near Poughkeepsie
crawlin' through the prairie        with her cobra
smellin' kind of funny              when she shot me
crashin' through the guardrail      on her elbows
chewin' on a hangnail               with Led-Zeppelin
talkin' in Swahili                  with Miss Piggy
drownin' in the quicksand           with a wetback
slurpin' up linguini                in her muu-muu


and I knew _______; _______ I'd ______ forever;
             (6)      (7)        (8)

6.                                   7.                    8.
no guy would ever love her more      I promised her        stay with her
that she would be an easy score      I knew deep down      warp her mind
she'd bought her dentures in a store She asked me if       swear off booze
that she would be a crashing bore    I told her shrink     change my sex
I'd never rate her more than "4"     The judge declared    punch her out
they'd hate her guts in Baltimore    My Pooh Bear said     live off her
it was a raven, nothing more         I shrieked in pain    have my rash
we really lost the last World War    The painters knew     stay a dwarf
I'd have to scrape her off the floor A Klingon said        hate her dog
what strong deodorants were for      My hamster thought    pick my nose
that she was rotten to the core      The blood test showed play "Go Fish"
that I would upchuck on the floor    Her rabbi said        salivate


She said to me ____; But who'd have thought she'd _____
                (9)                               (10)

9.                            10.
our love would never die      run off
there was no other guy        wind up
man wasn't meant to fly       boogie
that Nixon didn't lie         yodel
her basset hound was shy      sky dive
that Rolaids made her high    turn green
she'd have a swiss on rye     freak out
she loved my one blue eye     blast off
her brother's name was Hy     make it
she liked "Spy vs. Spy"       black out
that birthdays made her cry   bobsled
she couldn't stand my tie     grovel

___________; _________ goodbye.
   (11)        (12)

11.                       12.
with my best friend       You'd think at least that she'd have said
in my Edsel               I never had the chance to say
on a surfboard            She told her fat friend Grace to say
on "The Gong Show"        I now can kiss my credit cards
with her dentist          I guess I was too smashed to say
on her "Workmate"         I watched her melt away and sobbed
with a robot              She fell beneath the wheels and cried
with no clothes on        She sent a hired thug to say
at her health club        She freaked out on the lawn and screamed
in her Maytag             I pushed her off the bridge and waved
with her guru             But that's the way that pygmies say
while in labor            She sealed me in the vault and smirked

%% 200, 0, Chapter & Worse
-CHAPTER AND WORSE (1 LONG JOKE)
=PROVERBS 26:4
 WILLIAM 10:66
 GINGRICH 69
 HANCOCK 17:76
 COLUMBUS 14:9:2
 SATAN 6:66
 RUTH 7:14
 FRIDAY 7:14
 PHILLIPS 60:6
 PEARLE 20:20
 FAHRENHEIT 4:51
 BOEING 7:47
 CAR 50:4
 DALMATIONS 1:01
 TROMBONES 7:6
 SUNSET STRIP 70:7
 GOLDEN RINGS 5:0
 ARMADA 15:88
 RIGHT PETITION 16:28
 HABEAS CORPUS 16:79
 GLORIOUS REVOLUTION 16:88
 HASTINGS 10:66
 PEPIN 7:51
 CHARLEMAGNE 8:00
 STRASBURG 8:42
 VERDUN 8:43
 OREGON 54:40
 GADSDEN 18:53
 STRINGS 100:1
 CHORD 4:5
 SKIDOO 20:3

%% 200, 0, ValuJet
-VALUJET JOKES (8 JOKES)
=WHEN IT BECAME OBVIOUS THE PLANE WOULD CRASH, THE ATTENDANTS WERE
GIVING LAST MINUTE INSTRUCTIONS. ONE NERVOUS PASSENGER ASKED, "HOW
OFTEN DO THESE AIRCRAFT CRASH?"
THE STEWARDESS REPLIED, "ONLY ONCE."
=DID YOU HEAR VALUJET IS INCREASING PRICES SO THAT THEY CAN UPKEEP
THE PLANES BETTER?
THEY NOW CHARGE AN ARM AND A LEG.
=WHAT DID ONE GATOR SAY TO THE OTHER GATOR, AFTER THE 592 CRASH?
"OH, THAT MUST BE THE NEW MACDONALD-DOUGLAS ADULT VALU-MEAL."
=WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN VALUJET AND THE HIGHER PRICED
AIRLINES?
ON THE FULL-SERVICE AIRLINES YOU GET A MEAL.  ON VALUJET, YOU ARE
THE MEAL.
=WHAT WAS THE SPECIAL MEAL ON FLIGHT 592?
SMOKED SALMON.
=WHAT DOES VALUJET NOW SERVE AS COMPLIMENTARY BEVERAGE ON ITS FLIGHTS?
GATORADE.
=THE DAY AFTER THE CRASH, VALUJET CUSTOMERS REQUESTING A FLIGHT FROM
MIAMI WERE TOLD WHAT?
THAT THEY WERE SWAMPED.
=ONE VALUJET CUSTOMER ASKED THEM HOW MUCH FOR A ONE-WAY FLIGHT FROM
MIAMI TO THE EVERGLADES.

%% 200, 0, Juvenile
-JUVENILE (80 JOKES)

=WHY WAS THE BABY GRAPE CRYING?
HIS MOTHER WAS IN A JAM.
="I'D LIKE TO BUY THAT DOG, BUT HIS LEGS ARE TOO SHORT."
"TOO SHORT?  THEY ALL REACH THE GROUND!"
=WHY DO HUMMINGBIRDS HUM?
BECAUSE THEY DON'T KNOW THE WORDS.
="MAY I TRY ON THAT DRESS IN THE WINDOW?"
"NO, BUT YOU CAN GO TO THE DRESSING ROOM."
=WHAT TYPE OF FLOWERS ARE KISSABLE?
TULIPS.
=WHY DO PEOPLE WEAR SUNGLASSES?
BECAUSE MOONGLASSES ARE TOO DARK.
=HOW HAS THE JET AIRPLANE CHANGED THE WORLD?
THEY HAVE MADE IT PLANE CRAZY.
=WHAT KIND OF PLIERS DO YOU USE IN MATH CLASS?
MULTIPLIERS.
=WHAT DO YOU CALL A FRIGHTENED SKIN DIVER?
A CHICKEN OF THE SEA.
=WHAT DO YOU CALL A WHALE WHO TALKS TOO MUCH?
A BLUBBERMOUTH.
=WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
COLONEL SANDERS WAS CHASING IT.
=WHAT DOES A BEE CALL HIS HIVE?
HUM, SWEET HUM.
=WHAT DID THEY CALL THE LOUSY GYMNAST?
A FLIP FLOP.
=HOW ARE A HORSEBACK RIDER AND A CLOUD ALIKE?
THEY BOTH HOLD THE REINS.
=WHY DIDN'T THEY PLAY CARDS ON NOAH'S ARK?
THEY WERE SITTING ON THE DECK.
=HOW DO FISH TRAVEL TO WORK?
IN CARP POOLS.
=WHY WAS MOZART SO SUCCESSFUL?
HE WAS AN OPERA-TUNIST.
=HOW DID THE TWO HYPOCRITES MEET?
FACE TO FACE TO FACE TO FACE.
=WHY DIDN'T THE COWARDLY DRAGON OBSERVE THE SABBATH?
HE ONLY PREYED ON WEAK KNIGHTS.
=WHAT DID THEY CALL THE MASTER MAGICIAN?
A SUPER DUPER.
=WHAT DID THE VACATIONING BUS DRIVER CALL HIS RIVER RAFT?
RAPIDS TRANSIT.
=ANOTHER NAME FOR A ROD AND REEL ENTHUSIAST?
AFISHIONADO.
=WHAT DID THE DISCOUNT STORE CLERK SAY TO HIS LOVER?
"I ONLY HAVE BUYS FOR YOU".
=WHAT DID THE BEER BREWER SAY TO HIS LOVER?
"YOU FERMENT FOR ME".
=WHAT DID DELAWARE?
NEW JERSEY.
=WHERE DO YOU EAT HAMBURGERS?
ON THE PATTY-O.
=WHY DO SPIDERS GET DIZZY?
THEY'RE ALWAYS SPINNING.
=WHY DID THE MAN PUT THE CLOCK UNDER HIS DESK?
HE WANTED TO WORK OVERTIME.
=WHAT KIND OF GHOST HAUNTS A SCHOOL?
THE SCHOOL SPIRIT.
=WHAT SHOULD YOU SAY TO A 3-HEADED MONSTER?
HELLO, HELLO, HELLO!
=WHY ARE TALL PEOPLE LAZIER THAN SHORT PEOPLE?
THEY ARE LONGER IN BED.
=WHERE DO JOGGERS TAKE BATHS?
IN RUNNING WATER.
=WHY DID THE FARMER USE A STEAMROLLER IN HIS FIELD?
HE WANTED TO GROW MASHED POTATOES.
=HAVE YOU HEARD THE JOKE ABOUT THE PEACH ORCHARD?
IT'S THE PITS.
=WHAT DID THE BOY SAY WHEN HE FOUND A BUTTON IN HIS SALAD?
"I GUESS IT FELL OFF WHEN THE SALAD WAS DRESSING!"
=WHY DO HIPPIES GO BALD MORE SLOWLY THAN MARINES?
BECAUSE THEY WEAR THEIR HEAR LONGER.
=WHAT IS DRACULA'S FAVORITE FRUIT?
NEC-TARINES.
=WHY DID THE MAN EAT A CANDLE?
HE WANTED A LIGHT MEAL.
=WHAT KIND OF GUM DO BEES LIKE?
BUMBLE GUM.
=WHAT'S GREEN AND YELLOW, HAS COOKIE CRUMBS ALL OVER IT, LIES ON
THE SIDE OF THE ROAD AND STINKS?
A DEAD GIRL SCOUT.
=A RABBI WAS WALKING IN LA-LA LAND WITH SOME KIDS AND SOME TRIDS, WHEN
THEY CAME TO A BRIDGE.  SUDDENLY THEY SAW A GIANT TROLL IN THE WAY.
"IF YOU OBEY MY COMMAND I WILL LET YOU PASS ELSE I WILL KILL YOU ALL!"
SAID THE TROLL.  "NOW KICK ONE OF THE MEMBERS OF YOUR PARTY THAT I
LIKE BEST FOR SUNDAY BRUNCH!"  THE RABBI HESITATED, THEN KICKED ONE
OF THE CUTEST LITTLE TENDER KIDS.  THE TROLL THEN GRABBED THEM ALL UP
AND TOOK THEM AWAY, SAYING, "SILLY RABBI, KICKS ARE FOR TRIDS!"
=DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE OPTOMETRIST WHO FELL INTO HIS LENS-GRINDING
MACHINE?
HE MADE A SPECTACLE OF HIMSELF.
=WHY DOES AN INDIAN WEAR FEATHERS ON HIS HEAD?
TO KEEP HIS WIG-WAM.
=WHY DID THE BURGLAR TAKE A BATH?
TO MAKE A CLEAN GETAWAY.
=WHAT KIND OF EGGS DOES A POSSESSED CHICKEN LAY?
DEVILLED EGGS.
=WHAT WAS THE VAMPIRE'S FAVORITE SONG?
"FANGS FOR THE MEMORIES".
=HEAR ABOUT THE NEW MOVIE ABOUT LOOKING FOR YOUR POPCORN?
ITS CALLED "THE HUNT FOR RED-ENBACHER".
=HOW DO YOU COMMUNICATE WITH A FISH?
YOU DROP HIM A LINE.
=WHAT DID THEY AWARD THE MAN THAT INVENTED THE DOOR KNOCKER?
THE NO-BELL PRIZE.
=WHY IS THE RINGLING BROTHERS CIRCUS SO MIND BOGGLING?
BECAUSE IT'S IN TENTS!
=WHY COULDN'T THE BIKE MAKE IT UP THE HILL?
BECAUSE IT WAS "TWO" TIRED!
=WHY DIDN'T THE 2 SNAKES TAKE NOAH'S ADVICE AND BE FRUITFUL AND
MULTIPLY?
THEY WERE ADDERS, SO THEY WERE WAITING FOR NOAH TO BUILD THEM A
LOG TABLE.
=WHY DO BABY DUCKS WALK SOFTLY?
BECAUSE BABY DUCKS CAN'T WALK, HARDLY.
=DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE RESTAURANT ON THE MOON?
GREAT FOOD, NO ATMOSPHERE.
=WHAT IS AT THE END OF EVERYTHING?
THE LETTER G, STUPID.
=WHAT DO GHOSTS EAT FOR BREAKFAST?
SPOOKGHETTI.
=WHAT DID ONE ELEVATOR SAY TO THE OTHER ELEVATOR?
"I THINK I'M COMING DOWN WITH SOMETHING!"
=WHAT DID THE POLICE DO WHEN THEY HEARD ABOUT THE KIDNAPPING?
WOKE HIM UP.
=WHAT DID THE TERMITE SAY WHEN HE WALKED INTO THE BAR?
WHERE IS THE BAR TENDER?
=WHAT KIND OF SAW DANCES?
A JIGSAW.
=WHAT KIND OF DOG TICKS?
A WATCHDOG.
=WHAT DID THE GRAPES SAY TO EACH OTHER AT CHRISTMAS TIME?
"'TIS THE SEASON TO BE JELLY!"
=WHY WERE THE STUDENT'S GRADES UNDERWATER?
BECAUSE THEY WERE ALL BELOW C LEVEL.
=WHAT DO YOU CALL A FROG WHO FALLS OFF A LILY PAD?
A SOGGY FROGGY.
=WHAT DID ONE POTATO CHIP SAY TO THE OTHER?
"LET'S GO FOR A DIP!"
=WHAT DID ONE MAGNET SAY TO THE OTHER?
"GEE, YOU'RE ATTRACTIVE!"
=WHAT DID ONE BABY FIRECRACKER SAY TO THE OTHER?
"MY POP'S BIGGER THAN YOURS!"
=WHERE DO FISH WASH?
IN THE RIVER BASIN.
=WHAT DO YOU CALL A BABY WHALE THAT CRIES?
A LITTLE BLUBBER.
=WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A PIT BULL AND A COLLIE?
A DOG THAT WILL BITE YOU, THEN GO FOR HELP.
=WHAT DO YOU CALL A CRIME FIGHTER WHO DRESSES UP AS A MINNOW?
BAITMAN.
=WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A CAT AND A COMMA?
ONE HAS CLAWS AT THE END OF ITS PAWS.
=WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS COCONUT AND RUBBER TREES?
BASKETBALLS YOU CAN EAT.
=DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE SHY PEANUT?
HE NEVER CAME OUT OF HIS SHELL.
=WHAT DO YOU CALL A BABY WHALE THAT CRIES?
A LITTLE BLUBBER.
=WHAT IS A WHALE'S FAVORITE CANDY?
BLUBBER GUM.
=HOW DO FROGS GET TO OZ?
THEY FOLLOW THE YELLOW BRICK TOAD.
=WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A GHOST AND A RAIN CLOUD?
THUNDER AND FRIGHTENING.
=WHY DO COWS WEAR BELLS?
BECAUSE THEIR HORNS DON'T WORK.
=WHAT HAPPENED WHEN FRANKENSTEIN MET MRS. FRANKENSTEIN?
LOVE AT FIRST FRIGHT.

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